people get held back by the voice inside them
-from “in the beginning” by knaan
these last few months are like a final exam in life for what i think i've learned in korea. last week it took everything in me to avoid yelling at someone and getting on the next plane out of here. between the hellish months of january and february, schedule changes at the beginning of this month, a new head teacher coming in and making unnecessary changes, and the fact that i've been teaching and living here for almost a year...i'm exhausted, i'm jaded, and i hate it.
which brings me to the feeling of taking this massive, real-life test for which i haven't had time to study. i just have to hope that i've absorbed all i need to know throughout the year. subject: how to do better than just survive in korea.
that feeling of being exhausted and jaded has been hard to deal with, and has been made especially hard by a look back at some of my posted writings and photos from when i first arrived. one thing i re-read was the first blog i wrote after arriving here. i titled it “first impressions” and i talked about everything from teaching to seoul to kimchi...ah, i was so excited to learn everything then! it was all new and there was so much to explore and experience. it wasn't all great for the first few months—far from it—but that was more than balanced out by the feeling of being alive that living in a brand-new place brings.
a week ago i had found that kind of feeling again, that feeling of being alive and of wanting to get the most out of my time here that i could. i wrote this in my journal:
“down to less than three months left now. what a weird feeling. it's been such a journey, too...where i was a year ago seems so distant that to be honest, i'm having trouble remembering it. i'm such a different person now than i was twelve months ago...the growth i've gone through is astounding in how much it's defined me. and it has not been a perfect year. far from it. but it's been a good year. a year that god, i needed. the great thing, too, is that i feel like i'm coming full circle, although it's like full circle with a twist. i'm arriving again at this point where i'm excited to see everything, do everything, experience everything...but this time around i've got the context in place already. i know from past experiences what it can should will feel like. i also feel a sense of urgency that wasn't there before, a feeling like there's not enough time to do it all.”
then i had a particularly bad week at school and i wanted to leave. i was feeling, to put it nicely, screwed over. by the school, the economy and the horrible exchange rate, and my own weaknesses. much of korea felt old and seen and explored and i was having trouble finding the vitality in life here. i could left, too. i could have said, “you know what, [director] sam, i'm just going to leave in april when my contract's up. i haven't signed that extension yet and i'm tired of dealing with all the crap here. so thank you, goodbye, and good luck keeping foreign teachers around.”
i didn't, though (and by the way, i would never speak to my director that way, even though i desperately wanted to last week). there were a few factors holding me back, one of the larger ones being that i had just bought a plane ticket home for may 31st and didn't feel like dealing with the hassle or the cost involved in switching it. but a smaller factor at the time (which probably should have been the biggest) is that i just don't feel like i'm done here yet. i don't know if i will be done when i leave in two and a half months or if that won't be the end of korea for me. but i do know that i've got to give this time the best shot i can. i have to enjoy it fully or i will regret it. and yeah, right now so much feels old and seen and explored that i'm having trouble finding the vitality in life. but there's still a lot to see and do here, a lot that i haven't experienced. and i won't spend my last two and a half months here wishing i could get on that flight home sooner.
all these thoughts and feelings of late have ultimately served to remind me of one hugely important thing: we always have a choice.
you know that quote from charles swindoll? the one that goes “i am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me, and 90% how i react to it”? well, that rings true no matter where on this earth you may find yourself. it's been the core of what i've learned and how i've grown here. and remembering that is how i'm going to not only survive these last ten weeks but make them a beautiful conclusion to this chapter of my life.
i have been through some of the toughest situations and some of the most intense emotions i've ever experienced here in korea. there have been times when i was so unsure, hurt, confused, or lonely that i had no idea how to take the next step. it's like this photo i took in thailand that's currently my desktop background—the photo was taken on the beach on new year's eve, and it's of this guy trying to double-dutch jump rope in flaming ropes, but it kind of looks like he's dancing around. i want to apply that to my thoughts on the next several weeks in that the best way to approach the fire is to dance right on through it. something may appear tough. sometimes you feel surrounded by flames. and you'll tell yourself it's going to be a struggle. if you let that be your sole mentality, then of course it's going to be be hard. if, though, you can learn to not only get through it but to enjoy the process...oh, it's so worth it.
at the end of this post are links to recent photos, but here are some things i'm looking forward to in the near future:
-getting OUTSIDE again when the weather warms up soon! this includes more hiking, more exploring the city, and more riding bike along the han river
-a bike tour of gyeongju during peak cherry blossom season on the first weekend in april
-possibly hitting up the seoul world dj festival again in may
-getting a week off of work mid-april to do nothing but relax and reenergize for my final month and a half in korea
-another city-wide scavenger hunt sometime in may
-finally doing the dmz tour
-giving my mom a HUGE hug when i see her on may 31st :)
thanks to everyone who's been emailing and facebooking me and commenting on photos and blogs...it makes me happy and makes me feel like this writing has got a bigger purpose than just being an online record of my thoughts. i apologize if i've been lax about replying to anyone; the last several weeks have kept me fairly stressed and left me with very little energy once i finally get home in the evenings. but please know i love and miss you all and i can't wait to see everyone in a few short months!
much love,
heather
link to photos from february:
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2012250&id=148800130&l=3e062a13d7
link to photos so far from march:
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2012276&id=148800130&l=bdd448fc51
