I knew my reality was clearly defined
By the fences put up around my mind
I watched them thicken into walls over time
Taller than any borderline
-from a song by Brett Dennen
Drink up baby doll
Are you in or are you out?
Leave your things behind
'Cause it's all going off without you
Excuse me, too busy, you're writing your tragedy
These mishaps you bubble-wrap
When you've no idea what you're like
So, let go, let go
Jump in
Oh well, what you waiting for?
-from a song by Frou Frou
I've been thinking about so much in the past couple days...it's been a particularly frustrating week in terms of things at school, what my life looks like here, the choices I make, and how those things affect my perspective. And all these thoughts have got me questioning nearly everything at the moment...what am I really doing here, am I supposed to be here, can I stick this out for however long I'm meant to? I know the short answers to these questions—sorting things out, learning more about myself and where I want to go in life; yes, even though it doesn't always feel like it, this is where I'm supposed to be right now; yes, but it's going to be hard sometimes and in those moments I'll probably question the intelligence of my decision to come back here; respectively.
But the certainty and positivity I felt in my first few weeks here have dwindled down until they've become nearly non-existent.
Last time everything was brand-new and unexpected and brilliant and what I encountered was through no choice of my own. I didn't get to divert anything uncomfortable away from me, and it was a growing experience because of that, because of how I had to deal with everything as it hit me in the face. But this time I am wanting a deeper experience, wanting the long answers, wanting to really get into it and do what I came here to do. And for some reason I thought those desires would be satisfied by having specific direction on what I'm to learn, by more thoroughly understanding things and doing so on a more immediate basis. I don't know why I thought that, though, because if there's one thing I've learned over the past year or two it's that I will almost never know the answers right away.
The irony in all of this is that the frustration is building up fences in my mind about every tough situation in which I find myself, and preventing me from jumping in to explore the depth and growth that I know lie within those situations. I am my own worst enemy right now, I am fighting myself and losing, I am the only one standing in my way. The longer I wait to make a change, the taller those walls will get and the more scary it will be to take them down and make myself vulnerable to life here. The difficulty, I think, is that I want to be vulnerable and open to whatever comes, but to do so with the strength and wisdom I didn't have last time around. And there's a disconnect there for me; I don't know what the combination of those things looks like.
Earlier tonight I found some notes I had posted on Facebook about two years ago and re-read them to find that the words I wrote back then were still relevant to me, still descriptive of how I've been feeling and what I've been going through lately. I found myself in similar positions and wanting similar things then and now. It saddens me somewhat to see that I'm still working to learn the same old lessons, but I suppose it also reminds me that life is a continuous, fluid thing. We are constantly learning and relearning and will keep on with that until we get it. And we need to remember to embrace the process and live the journey.
There's this old quarry we used to go to in the summer in Virginia—they'd filled it in with water that was a beautiful deep turquoise color and deeper than we could know. The best way to experience it was to jump off the cliffs that edged one long side of the water, and you had to climb about 30 feet up to get to the jumping point. It was a slightly scary climb; there were a few narrow points and if you slipped and fell you'd hit some rocks on the way down. And once you got to the top, it might take a little while to gather the courage to jump. But when you jumped, oh man. The few slow-motion seconds of freefall followed by the quick rush of liquid all around you as you landed in the water...incredible. You wanted to swim around for a bit then get out and climb back up right away for more. I feel like that's an appropriate analogy for my life here right now...the best way to live the journey is to jump in. And I can see the water and I know how great it's going to feel to freefall and enter the unknown depths. But first I've got to conquer my fears and make myself step off the edge.
Like I said, it's been a rough little while, and it's not going to be easy to take the steps that I know I need to take. But I came here to take on the difficult and uncomfortable and to explore new depths, in whatever form that may be. I began to build these walls in my mind, but they aren't indestructible. What waits on the other side is frightening in its unknown-ness but exciting in its possibility. And the motivation to get past the walls to what I know waits on the other side is right here waiting for me to take it, just as soon as I decide to take that step off the edge.
As always, I hope this finds you all well and happy. I don't have any new photos to post, but I will within the next few weeks as I explore more of Busan before it gets too cold to leave my apartment.
Annyeong,
Heather
22 November 2009
02 November 2009
(re-)beginning
I've watched the sun set over the 다대포 (Dadaepo) beach a few times now (the beach is a ten-minute walk from my house—how cool is that?), and each time I've had this moment in which I realized that no one, at that point in time, knew exactly where I was. And that no one around me knew who I was. This, while sitting on a beach in front of the open sea under a huge sunsetting sky...it made the world seem big around me again. It's so important to me that I'm able to feel small. Not that I enjoy feeling insignificant; no, it's that I need doses of perspective like that every so often. I think that is because it reminds me that there is so, so much more left out there to be explored and discovered and learned, and to impress upon me the importance of continuing to strive for more. Not more things, but more meaning, more connection, more happiness, more understanding, more enjoyment, more passion, more life.
And I'm beginning to think that perhaps this is what I'm meant to learn here. That striving, and how to do so when I am very much going to be responsible for creating my own life here. I feel like it's going to be quite lonely for a while, if not for the majority or all of my time here. I don't see myself developing really close friends, not a good group of the kind of people with whom I want to surround myself. I'll have a few cool people to hang out with, yes, but not a close circle of truly good friends. 다대포 just isn't home to enough people with whom I can connect for the probability of that happening to be very high. And maybe I'll be proven wrong; it's happened before :) But if I'm not...well, isn't that what I came here for? To be on my own and to learn how to better do that? I think I thought that I'd be more surrounded by people and that I'd have to make a conscious effort to spend time by myself doing what really helps me grow, whatever that may look like. Instead, my surroundings have forced me into solitude, and the conscious effort I need to make is to value this solitude and use it in the best way possible.
There is not a doubt in my mind that I've ended up exactly where I need to be. To go from living in Jamsil in Seoul, where everything was busy all the time and there were plenty of foreigners around, to living in Dadaepo in Busan, where life moves a bit slower and I am the only foreigner within a ten-mile radius, has been interesting. I don't think living in this area would be for everyone, but it feels perfect to me. There were times in Seoul when I felt so out of place, so much like I didn't fit and never would even though it had become my home. But here, it's different. It will take a bit of time to become home, and I still won't ever quite belong, but it already feels right. In those moments on the beach, I've also felt extremely lucky, so incredibly blessed to be here and to have been able to come to this country that continually teaches me so much not once, but twice, and to have learned the awareness that makes being here so incredible. I am so very grateful that I can do this because of how important it is to me to keep journeying. I mean that in a physical/literal sense and in a figurative sense, and Korea really does allow me to do both.
Some people might think that I could have had the same experience in a different country. That thought has crossed my mind as well, more than once. But every time it has, I've immediately pushed it away because I know that's not true. It was always going to be Korea, even before I knew it, even when I had my doubts and frustrations, even though it still sounds a bit strange even now...this was always where I was supposed to be.
That same anticipation that I had before coming is still with me. I'm still so curious to see what this year will bring. I feel like I've been here much longer than twelve days, in part because being here has felt like I've come home in a sense. It's not so much a continuation of what I've known in Korea before—although that's part of it—but more like a reawakening to something warm and familiar. The setting is different but the feelings are the same, and I have missed being here.
Some moments, both good and bad but definitely memorable, from so far:
-Attempting conversation in Korean with the ajummas who sit on the curb near my apartment (and mostly failing)
-Returning home at midnight from hanging out with Carly and discovering that my washer had drained into my apartment instead of outside, soaking everything (including my bed because it's on the floor)...and subsequently walking half an hour to sleep for four hours in a noisy jimjilbang
-Walking into our school's lobby for the Halloween party to find that they'd decorated with pink “It's A Girl!” balloons
-Looking for two students I'd sent to the bathroom to see them running around the bathroom, soap on the floor and faucet turned on full blast
-Adjusting the wall-mounted flat screen TV in my apartment for just the second time and watching in horror as it fell off the wall (luckily I managed to half-catch it so it didn't land on my laptop)...turns out they had just mounted it into the drywall instead of finding studs
I am still waiting to get internet in my apartment, but I spent roughly four hours in Dunkin Donuts (pretty sure they hate me for sitting there so long stealing their slow wireless) so that you lovely people can see my adventures via photos. The links to albums chronicling my journey over here and the first few weeks are below. Enjoy! I hope that this finds you all well, and thanks for all your thoughts and prayers during my journey over here!
Love,
Heather
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2015172&id=148800130&l=bdd8d08300
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2015186&id=148800130&l=93c1861252
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2015188&id=148800130&l=4852b47497
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2015187&id=148800130&l=6612e10c26
And I'm beginning to think that perhaps this is what I'm meant to learn here. That striving, and how to do so when I am very much going to be responsible for creating my own life here. I feel like it's going to be quite lonely for a while, if not for the majority or all of my time here. I don't see myself developing really close friends, not a good group of the kind of people with whom I want to surround myself. I'll have a few cool people to hang out with, yes, but not a close circle of truly good friends. 다대포 just isn't home to enough people with whom I can connect for the probability of that happening to be very high. And maybe I'll be proven wrong; it's happened before :) But if I'm not...well, isn't that what I came here for? To be on my own and to learn how to better do that? I think I thought that I'd be more surrounded by people and that I'd have to make a conscious effort to spend time by myself doing what really helps me grow, whatever that may look like. Instead, my surroundings have forced me into solitude, and the conscious effort I need to make is to value this solitude and use it in the best way possible.
There is not a doubt in my mind that I've ended up exactly where I need to be. To go from living in Jamsil in Seoul, where everything was busy all the time and there were plenty of foreigners around, to living in Dadaepo in Busan, where life moves a bit slower and I am the only foreigner within a ten-mile radius, has been interesting. I don't think living in this area would be for everyone, but it feels perfect to me. There were times in Seoul when I felt so out of place, so much like I didn't fit and never would even though it had become my home. But here, it's different. It will take a bit of time to become home, and I still won't ever quite belong, but it already feels right. In those moments on the beach, I've also felt extremely lucky, so incredibly blessed to be here and to have been able to come to this country that continually teaches me so much not once, but twice, and to have learned the awareness that makes being here so incredible. I am so very grateful that I can do this because of how important it is to me to keep journeying. I mean that in a physical/literal sense and in a figurative sense, and Korea really does allow me to do both.
Some people might think that I could have had the same experience in a different country. That thought has crossed my mind as well, more than once. But every time it has, I've immediately pushed it away because I know that's not true. It was always going to be Korea, even before I knew it, even when I had my doubts and frustrations, even though it still sounds a bit strange even now...this was always where I was supposed to be.
That same anticipation that I had before coming is still with me. I'm still so curious to see what this year will bring. I feel like I've been here much longer than twelve days, in part because being here has felt like I've come home in a sense. It's not so much a continuation of what I've known in Korea before—although that's part of it—but more like a reawakening to something warm and familiar. The setting is different but the feelings are the same, and I have missed being here.
Some moments, both good and bad but definitely memorable, from so far:
-Attempting conversation in Korean with the ajummas who sit on the curb near my apartment (and mostly failing)
-Returning home at midnight from hanging out with Carly and discovering that my washer had drained into my apartment instead of outside, soaking everything (including my bed because it's on the floor)...and subsequently walking half an hour to sleep for four hours in a noisy jimjilbang
-Walking into our school's lobby for the Halloween party to find that they'd decorated with pink “It's A Girl!” balloons
-Looking for two students I'd sent to the bathroom to see them running around the bathroom, soap on the floor and faucet turned on full blast
-Adjusting the wall-mounted flat screen TV in my apartment for just the second time and watching in horror as it fell off the wall (luckily I managed to half-catch it so it didn't land on my laptop)...turns out they had just mounted it into the drywall instead of finding studs
I am still waiting to get internet in my apartment, but I spent roughly four hours in Dunkin Donuts (pretty sure they hate me for sitting there so long stealing their slow wireless) so that you lovely people can see my adventures via photos. The links to albums chronicling my journey over here and the first few weeks are below. Enjoy! I hope that this finds you all well, and thanks for all your thoughts and prayers during my journey over here!
Love,
Heather
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2015172&id=148800130&l=bdd8d08300
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2015186&id=148800130&l=93c1861252
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2015188&id=148800130&l=4852b47497
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2015187&id=148800130&l=6612e10c26
15 October 2009
twists and turns
six words i never thought i'd say:
i am going back to korea.
first of all, because korea is not a place i ever thought i'd end up, let alone somewhere that's become a big part of who i am. and second of all, to be returning? what? i'm twenty-four years old and i've been out of college for over two years; i'm pretty sure that back when i was fourteen i thought i'd be married with a kid or two by now. the twists and turns life takes...
there's been a change in the air recently. the temperature has dropped a bit and the glorious crispness that signifies the start of fall has arrived. it's a fitting change given the past few weeks, a change that extends beyond my surroundings deep into my body and soul. and i find myself restless in anticipation of what is coming next.
let me explain. the last several weeks have held more emotion and thought than i've experienced in some time, all initially undesired but ultimately essential, and the timing of it all couldn't be more perfect. interactions with people and places that have been fairly absent from my life were not the easy return that i had expected, and the process for returning to korea didn't go according to how i thought it would. those things threw me for a loop; it was such a good loop, though, because it opened the door to things i didn't realize i had yet to process. things i had forgotten. things that i needed to work through before heading back to korea.
to process:
expectations, of the unrealistic and unfair variety, and how they affect relationships. when i came back from korea, i expected everyone to fit into the expectations i've built for myself, and that led to a disappointment that seemed poised to impact several of my relationships with old friends. but thanks to a good book by don miguel ruiz and some good conversations with my friend alex, i realized that it should never be about what i expect of people. there are no conditions in friendship, no need for someone to fit within a mold in order for me to value the interactions i have with them.
to remember:
that no matter what comes up, i can continue to use what's around me as motivation to grow. as i came home in june, i forgot how much of a hand our surroundings have in motivating us. looking back i can see clearly the difference in how motivated i was to grow and learn and challenge myself between when i lived in harrisonburg and when i moved to korea--in the former, i was settled in a place where all was known, where i had lived for years; in the latter, i abruptly entered a brand new world. and when i returned to pennsylvania, it was more of the similar and familiar. where did i grow the most? in the context in which i felt most alive, most aware of what surrounded me. the secret is in the stimuli. a simple enough understanding, but one that requires continued awareness to be useful.
to work through:
what having expectations means for life, in both positive and negative ways. the first time i went to korea, i had none. there was nothing i expected of going besides for it to be a cool new adventure in a place that was literally about as far from harrisonburg as i could get. i knew nothing of the culture, really, nor of the society or people. and i grew and changed so much because of that. this time around, i have reasons for going: things that i want to work on, questions i want answered, ways i want to test myself. and while it feels great to have all that in mind as i go, i need to be aware that what i want won't necessarily be what i get. there is a distinct possibility that korea, with its great talent for surprising me, will throw much of that out the window in favor of teaching me something completely different. it already did in the time it's made me wait before going. if nothing else, these past three weeks spent waiting, wishing, hoping for my visa to just get here already, have taught me a nice little lesson about trying to be in control of what i can't be. about expecting what i can't necessarily plan on having happen.
and realizing that, along with everything else, is what gives me this beautiful sense that i need to pay attention because what is coming next is going to be both good and important. i have spent the past four and a half months alternately wandering around seeing people and places and relaxing at my parents' house, but it's all been leading up to this moment. this small instant in time in which i take my next step before i leap into what will follow. and i can't begin to tell you what it will look like, only that it will be exactly what i didn't realize i needed.
so here's to another time of adventure, growth, and the great unknown! to my friends and family in the states, i thank you for the past couple of months and how great you've all made them; to my chingus in korea, i look forward to making more good memories in the months ahead. and, to everyone, i hope that your life is as fulfilling as mine has been and continues to be.
love,
heather
ps here are links to my photos from my wanderings during summer/early fall for those not on facebook...
june:
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2013693&id=148800130&l=3384de6203
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2013899&id=148800130&l=20950c7ed9
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2013911&id=148800130&l=3bde37d674
july:
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2014217&id=148800130&l=829937178b
august:
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2014355&id=148800130&l=ae28a6e06a
september:
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2014518&id=148800130&l=b754b812a6
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2014721&id=148800130&l=730f0e5e34
i am going back to korea.
first of all, because korea is not a place i ever thought i'd end up, let alone somewhere that's become a big part of who i am. and second of all, to be returning? what? i'm twenty-four years old and i've been out of college for over two years; i'm pretty sure that back when i was fourteen i thought i'd be married with a kid or two by now. the twists and turns life takes...
there's been a change in the air recently. the temperature has dropped a bit and the glorious crispness that signifies the start of fall has arrived. it's a fitting change given the past few weeks, a change that extends beyond my surroundings deep into my body and soul. and i find myself restless in anticipation of what is coming next.
let me explain. the last several weeks have held more emotion and thought than i've experienced in some time, all initially undesired but ultimately essential, and the timing of it all couldn't be more perfect. interactions with people and places that have been fairly absent from my life were not the easy return that i had expected, and the process for returning to korea didn't go according to how i thought it would. those things threw me for a loop; it was such a good loop, though, because it opened the door to things i didn't realize i had yet to process. things i had forgotten. things that i needed to work through before heading back to korea.
to process:
expectations, of the unrealistic and unfair variety, and how they affect relationships. when i came back from korea, i expected everyone to fit into the expectations i've built for myself, and that led to a disappointment that seemed poised to impact several of my relationships with old friends. but thanks to a good book by don miguel ruiz and some good conversations with my friend alex, i realized that it should never be about what i expect of people. there are no conditions in friendship, no need for someone to fit within a mold in order for me to value the interactions i have with them.
to remember:
that no matter what comes up, i can continue to use what's around me as motivation to grow. as i came home in june, i forgot how much of a hand our surroundings have in motivating us. looking back i can see clearly the difference in how motivated i was to grow and learn and challenge myself between when i lived in harrisonburg and when i moved to korea--in the former, i was settled in a place where all was known, where i had lived for years; in the latter, i abruptly entered a brand new world. and when i returned to pennsylvania, it was more of the similar and familiar. where did i grow the most? in the context in which i felt most alive, most aware of what surrounded me. the secret is in the stimuli. a simple enough understanding, but one that requires continued awareness to be useful.
to work through:
what having expectations means for life, in both positive and negative ways. the first time i went to korea, i had none. there was nothing i expected of going besides for it to be a cool new adventure in a place that was literally about as far from harrisonburg as i could get. i knew nothing of the culture, really, nor of the society or people. and i grew and changed so much because of that. this time around, i have reasons for going: things that i want to work on, questions i want answered, ways i want to test myself. and while it feels great to have all that in mind as i go, i need to be aware that what i want won't necessarily be what i get. there is a distinct possibility that korea, with its great talent for surprising me, will throw much of that out the window in favor of teaching me something completely different. it already did in the time it's made me wait before going. if nothing else, these past three weeks spent waiting, wishing, hoping for my visa to just get here already, have taught me a nice little lesson about trying to be in control of what i can't be. about expecting what i can't necessarily plan on having happen.
and realizing that, along with everything else, is what gives me this beautiful sense that i need to pay attention because what is coming next is going to be both good and important. i have spent the past four and a half months alternately wandering around seeing people and places and relaxing at my parents' house, but it's all been leading up to this moment. this small instant in time in which i take my next step before i leap into what will follow. and i can't begin to tell you what it will look like, only that it will be exactly what i didn't realize i needed.
so here's to another time of adventure, growth, and the great unknown! to my friends and family in the states, i thank you for the past couple of months and how great you've all made them; to my chingus in korea, i look forward to making more good memories in the months ahead. and, to everyone, i hope that your life is as fulfilling as mine has been and continues to be.
love,
heather
ps here are links to my photos from my wanderings during summer/early fall for those not on facebook...
june:
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2013693&id=148800130&l=3384de6203
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2013899&id=148800130&l=20950c7ed9
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2013911&id=148800130&l=3bde37d674
july:
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2014217&id=148800130&l=829937178b
august:
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2014355&id=148800130&l=ae28a6e06a
september:
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2014518&id=148800130&l=b754b812a6
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2014721&id=148800130&l=730f0e5e34
30 June 2009
if i could see the future
tomorrow i will return to the states for the second time in a month. this time, though, the uncertainty seems more ominous.
not knowing what lies ahead is unnerving. but i think, reflecting on my experience with korea and all the unknowns there, i'm more inclined to be open to whatever comes along. when i returned from korea at the end of may, i knew i was leaving for panama shortly and the decisions i need to make come august felt pretty far away. but now they're staring me in the face. i've tried to choose a direction ahead of time, yet each time i did so, something would come up that made me rethink it. so now i'm going to make good on my initial choice to explore the different areas through which i'll be passing and the opportunities that may be there. the only conditions i have for where i end up are that i find some good friends and that i am happy.
there are very few decisions in my life that have come about through me truly wanting something and going for it. they mainly resulted from an unhappiness with where i was coinciding with an opportunity to try something new. not a bad way to go about things, as each time has ended up being exactly where i needed to be, but it's time to change that process. to be open to what may come, yes, but also to be active in the path my life takes.
i don't know what in particular in the past has caused me to be so passive. maybe i truly haven't known what i wanted; i'm sure that's been part of it. but i think another part of me has been afraid that if i want something, go after it, and get it, i won't quite know what to do next. that's a fear i need to conquer. seems big and scary, but when i look back on all that i conquered in korea, it looks much smaller.
tomorrow we leave panama. we're coming back a few days early to better eradicate whatever bug infestation i picked up, and it will be nice to have some extra time before heading off to chicago/h'burg/dc/south carolina/north carolina for the next couple weeks. this trip has been good for me, both to get back into a culture that i love and to remind me of the importance of having a home base. wherever i settle in the fall, although it may not be perfect, will at least be my home and will be where i have decided to be. and that is a nice feeling.
hasta pronto,
heather
not knowing what lies ahead is unnerving. but i think, reflecting on my experience with korea and all the unknowns there, i'm more inclined to be open to whatever comes along. when i returned from korea at the end of may, i knew i was leaving for panama shortly and the decisions i need to make come august felt pretty far away. but now they're staring me in the face. i've tried to choose a direction ahead of time, yet each time i did so, something would come up that made me rethink it. so now i'm going to make good on my initial choice to explore the different areas through which i'll be passing and the opportunities that may be there. the only conditions i have for where i end up are that i find some good friends and that i am happy.
there are very few decisions in my life that have come about through me truly wanting something and going for it. they mainly resulted from an unhappiness with where i was coinciding with an opportunity to try something new. not a bad way to go about things, as each time has ended up being exactly where i needed to be, but it's time to change that process. to be open to what may come, yes, but also to be active in the path my life takes.
i don't know what in particular in the past has caused me to be so passive. maybe i truly haven't known what i wanted; i'm sure that's been part of it. but i think another part of me has been afraid that if i want something, go after it, and get it, i won't quite know what to do next. that's a fear i need to conquer. seems big and scary, but when i look back on all that i conquered in korea, it looks much smaller.
tomorrow we leave panama. we're coming back a few days early to better eradicate whatever bug infestation i picked up, and it will be nice to have some extra time before heading off to chicago/h'burg/dc/south carolina/north carolina for the next couple weeks. this trip has been good for me, both to get back into a culture that i love and to remind me of the importance of having a home base. wherever i settle in the fall, although it may not be perfect, will at least be my home and will be where i have decided to be. and that is a nice feeling.
hasta pronto,
heather
26 June 2009
bugbites at the beach
i can't stop itching. it's really driving me nuts. i am so happy to be in panama and wish i felt like doing all the cool stuff there is to do. but the reality is that i am literally covered in bites or bumps of some kind that have been increasing in number daily and that two pharmacists so far have failed to help with. the third thinks i may be allergic to something that bit me, and i really, really hope he's right (and that this medicine actually works). i'm so bummed about this and i especially hate that it makes me want to leave early. who wants to leave vacation in panama to go home early?
sick people, i guess.
we've seen and done some pretty awesome things here: watched a ship go through the miraflores locks on the panama canal, ziplined through the cloud forest outside of boquete, rode a bus over the continental divide through some of the most beautiful scenery i've ever seen...i definitely don't want to leave. yet underlying all the great things is this annoyance that won't go away. every night i wake up itching and every morning i wake up with more bites. fixing whatever this is would be one thing if i was in the states, with access to a doctor who spoke my language, and in one place for more than a day or two. when you're traveling, though, it's nearly impossible.
there's this quote that goes, "every journey has a secret destination of which the traveler is unaware." i love it because it attests to part of the reason i'm drawn to traveling: the unknown, the mysterious, the understanding that no matter what, there's going to be something that comes up that you can't control. that last one so far has been limited to crazy taxi drivers and shady hostels in foreign cities. but this time it's different. it's testing me. part of what i've been learning here is how to move with the flow of things, to adjust to what comes along. another part is (re)learning myself, what i can and cannot take, what i do and do not want. as silly as it may sound, these bumps and bites all over my legs and arms and neck are probably the best test there could be. it's teaching me to control my emotions and reactions and to deal with things in the best way for myself and those around me, whatever that all may look like. and, that i'll probably never be able to live in the jungle. ah, well.
today we left the beautiful fortuna cloud forest and bussed, walked, and water-taxied our way to isla colón in bocas del toro, on the caribbean coast of panamá. tomorrow we are taking a tour of four different islands here in the archipelago that will include swimming with dolphins and snorkeling. i am super excited and will be sure to take some lovely photos to share with everyone!
hope you all are enjoying your summer and are staying cool :)
chau,
heather
sick people, i guess.
we've seen and done some pretty awesome things here: watched a ship go through the miraflores locks on the panama canal, ziplined through the cloud forest outside of boquete, rode a bus over the continental divide through some of the most beautiful scenery i've ever seen...i definitely don't want to leave. yet underlying all the great things is this annoyance that won't go away. every night i wake up itching and every morning i wake up with more bites. fixing whatever this is would be one thing if i was in the states, with access to a doctor who spoke my language, and in one place for more than a day or two. when you're traveling, though, it's nearly impossible.
there's this quote that goes, "every journey has a secret destination of which the traveler is unaware." i love it because it attests to part of the reason i'm drawn to traveling: the unknown, the mysterious, the understanding that no matter what, there's going to be something that comes up that you can't control. that last one so far has been limited to crazy taxi drivers and shady hostels in foreign cities. but this time it's different. it's testing me. part of what i've been learning here is how to move with the flow of things, to adjust to what comes along. another part is (re)learning myself, what i can and cannot take, what i do and do not want. as silly as it may sound, these bumps and bites all over my legs and arms and neck are probably the best test there could be. it's teaching me to control my emotions and reactions and to deal with things in the best way for myself and those around me, whatever that all may look like. and, that i'll probably never be able to live in the jungle. ah, well.
today we left the beautiful fortuna cloud forest and bussed, walked, and water-taxied our way to isla colón in bocas del toro, on the caribbean coast of panamá. tomorrow we are taking a tour of four different islands here in the archipelago that will include swimming with dolphins and snorkeling. i am super excited and will be sure to take some lovely photos to share with everyone!
hope you all are enjoying your summer and are staying cool :)
chau,
heather
20 June 2009
volviendo (returning)
i'm in panama. and it's really good.
good in the way korea was, good in a way that, until i got back to the states a few weeks ago, i had forgotten i needed. good in the way that challenges what i think and what i feel and that makes me wonder if i can ever live without encountering new places every so often.
my last five months in korea very nearly destroyed all the growth that i experienced within myself up until that turning point in january. and when i got home to find everything the same, that just about finished the job.
i changed a lot in korea. especially in my first nine months there. and it was all so good. then i returned home after five months of stress and tension and emotion to a context that i had always known but which had never particularly challenged me and forced me to grow. and i slid back toward who i had been before korea changed all of that.
it's always taken me a little longer to learn things than it probably should. even on the other side of the world, where i was forced to learn fast if i wanted to not only survive there but thrive, that was still the case to an extent.
and now i find myself back there again. the trouble, i'm coming to realize, lies in my difficulty in remaining consistent despite the changing of context.
my few days in panama thus far have not been bad; in fact, they've been quite nice. but they've also been disappointing in a sense. this is in part because i've not been feeling so well, but also in part because i've been a bit down since coming home from korea. i had high expectations for this trip being amazing, and because of how i've been feeling mentally and physically things haven't quite measured up.
there is no doubt in my mind that it was time to leave korea when i did, but i didn't know (and still don't) where i am to go from here. i've been learning a lot about determining what i want and going after it, and i hope that within the next few months i am fully able to do that. for now, though, i really want to move forward while letting this time in panama be what it can be and needs to be for me. to move fluidly with the days and the culture around me, and to return to that state of peaceful contentment with who and where i am that i've lost in recent months.
what i've seen of panama so far is a beauty that lies in that kind of contentment. this is a place that, unlike korea, knows itself in all its good and bad aspects and doesn't feel a need or desire to change that. it is a place that feels balanced, a place i can learn from, and a breath of fresh air after korea.
i'm enjoying the feel of spanish rolling off my tongue, the sound of rain falling outside, the sway of a hammock and the breeze on a hot day...this is where i'm supposed to be right now and it is good.
hasta luego...
good in the way korea was, good in a way that, until i got back to the states a few weeks ago, i had forgotten i needed. good in the way that challenges what i think and what i feel and that makes me wonder if i can ever live without encountering new places every so often.
my last five months in korea very nearly destroyed all the growth that i experienced within myself up until that turning point in january. and when i got home to find everything the same, that just about finished the job.
i changed a lot in korea. especially in my first nine months there. and it was all so good. then i returned home after five months of stress and tension and emotion to a context that i had always known but which had never particularly challenged me and forced me to grow. and i slid back toward who i had been before korea changed all of that.
it's always taken me a little longer to learn things than it probably should. even on the other side of the world, where i was forced to learn fast if i wanted to not only survive there but thrive, that was still the case to an extent.
and now i find myself back there again. the trouble, i'm coming to realize, lies in my difficulty in remaining consistent despite the changing of context.
my few days in panama thus far have not been bad; in fact, they've been quite nice. but they've also been disappointing in a sense. this is in part because i've not been feeling so well, but also in part because i've been a bit down since coming home from korea. i had high expectations for this trip being amazing, and because of how i've been feeling mentally and physically things haven't quite measured up.
there is no doubt in my mind that it was time to leave korea when i did, but i didn't know (and still don't) where i am to go from here. i've been learning a lot about determining what i want and going after it, and i hope that within the next few months i am fully able to do that. for now, though, i really want to move forward while letting this time in panama be what it can be and needs to be for me. to move fluidly with the days and the culture around me, and to return to that state of peaceful contentment with who and where i am that i've lost in recent months.
what i've seen of panama so far is a beauty that lies in that kind of contentment. this is a place that, unlike korea, knows itself in all its good and bad aspects and doesn't feel a need or desire to change that. it is a place that feels balanced, a place i can learn from, and a breath of fresh air after korea.
i'm enjoying the feel of spanish rolling off my tongue, the sound of rain falling outside, the sway of a hammock and the breeze on a hot day...this is where i'm supposed to be right now and it is good.
hasta luego...
31 May 2009
walk on
there are times in our life which define us. redefine us. take who we think we are or who we think we want to be and blow it to pieces. korea, down to the very core of it all, is each of those for me. i leave this place more sure than i've ever been and the most uncertain i think i'll ever be. i leave this place with feelings of joy and frustration fighting inside me, broken down and built up, a chaotic traffic jam of emotions all laying on their horns at once.
the negativity i've encountered in these last few weeks (in my own thoughts as well as the actions of other people) has been competing with all the good memories i've made in an attempt to leave me with a less-than-shining last impression of korea. this final month has been anything but what i expected. but then, that is exactly what korea has been all along. even when i had no expectations it has managed to shatter them. that has been both positive and negative, but in the end it has all come to mean more to me than i ever thought it could, and i wouldn't trade this chapter in my life for anything.
that said, i know i've got a ridiculous amount of processing to do over the next several months, wherever i may end up. i don't know exactly how i'll go about it or what it might look like, but i do know that it, along with a lot of unknown, will be waiting for me when i land in new york tomorrow afternoon.
i've realized over the past few days as i've been seeing people before i leave and hanging out with both koreans and foreigners, that talking to others is one of the most helpful parts of sorting through a year's worth of thoughts, emotions, and memories. it doesn't matter if they understand me because they've been through it or if they've got no clue what it's like; rather, that variety of perspectives is both welcome and necessary. however, what does make a difference is the questions asked. i've been thinking about culture shock lately as i prepare to go back, and one big part of that is usually the question “hey, how was ____?”. it seems innocent enough, but it is huge and overwhelming when you're returning from something that's become such a big part of who you are. it's probably one of the worst questions to ask because it tends to result in a quick answer that you know can't even come close to describing what you experienced. it cheapens it in a sense, and isolates you even more from those who weren't there with you. what's so much more helpful are the more specific questions that make you dig deeper into your thoughts and emotions and memories.
i want to be able to communicate my life as it's been for the past fourteen months in a way that does it justice, but it worries me that there are so many factors that can impede that. a lack of processing before leaving is the first of many that have and will come my way. for the last three days i've been living out of suitcases and a backpack in my friend's apartment, running here and there and everywhere to wrap up life here as best i can. i've had little quiet time to myself to sit and think and write. i should be sleeping but everything's coming at me in a rush now that i am eight hours from getting on a plane. what i have to realize is that processing something like this which has had such an effect on so many levels is not easy or quick. it will be a slow, gradual process that takes many varied forms—talking with people, little differences in daily life, customs i've adopted that i will continue subconsciously...things will come out when i don't expect them to. i am not a patient person, but i hope i can remember that as i continue on to whatever is next.
my life here is finished, maybe for good but at least for now. and as i leave, that negativity i talked about? it didn't truly stand a chance. i have felt more loved in the last few days, gotten more hugs, and felt happier and more at peace than i've been in months. it takes leaving a place to realize what you're going to miss; i'm glad that i've at least begun to see it before i'm gone. it has truly been an incredible time that i've spent in korea, but it is time to walk on. and the road ahead, as it did when i arrived last april, lies out in front of me beautifully unknown.
thank you all so, so much for your thoughts, prayers, emails, messages, photo and blog comments, and love and support while i've been over here. it has meant more than you know and i am truly grateful.
love,
heather
the negativity i've encountered in these last few weeks (in my own thoughts as well as the actions of other people) has been competing with all the good memories i've made in an attempt to leave me with a less-than-shining last impression of korea. this final month has been anything but what i expected. but then, that is exactly what korea has been all along. even when i had no expectations it has managed to shatter them. that has been both positive and negative, but in the end it has all come to mean more to me than i ever thought it could, and i wouldn't trade this chapter in my life for anything.
that said, i know i've got a ridiculous amount of processing to do over the next several months, wherever i may end up. i don't know exactly how i'll go about it or what it might look like, but i do know that it, along with a lot of unknown, will be waiting for me when i land in new york tomorrow afternoon.
i've realized over the past few days as i've been seeing people before i leave and hanging out with both koreans and foreigners, that talking to others is one of the most helpful parts of sorting through a year's worth of thoughts, emotions, and memories. it doesn't matter if they understand me because they've been through it or if they've got no clue what it's like; rather, that variety of perspectives is both welcome and necessary. however, what does make a difference is the questions asked. i've been thinking about culture shock lately as i prepare to go back, and one big part of that is usually the question “hey, how was ____?”. it seems innocent enough, but it is huge and overwhelming when you're returning from something that's become such a big part of who you are. it's probably one of the worst questions to ask because it tends to result in a quick answer that you know can't even come close to describing what you experienced. it cheapens it in a sense, and isolates you even more from those who weren't there with you. what's so much more helpful are the more specific questions that make you dig deeper into your thoughts and emotions and memories.
i want to be able to communicate my life as it's been for the past fourteen months in a way that does it justice, but it worries me that there are so many factors that can impede that. a lack of processing before leaving is the first of many that have and will come my way. for the last three days i've been living out of suitcases and a backpack in my friend's apartment, running here and there and everywhere to wrap up life here as best i can. i've had little quiet time to myself to sit and think and write. i should be sleeping but everything's coming at me in a rush now that i am eight hours from getting on a plane. what i have to realize is that processing something like this which has had such an effect on so many levels is not easy or quick. it will be a slow, gradual process that takes many varied forms—talking with people, little differences in daily life, customs i've adopted that i will continue subconsciously...things will come out when i don't expect them to. i am not a patient person, but i hope i can remember that as i continue on to whatever is next.
my life here is finished, maybe for good but at least for now. and as i leave, that negativity i talked about? it didn't truly stand a chance. i have felt more loved in the last few days, gotten more hugs, and felt happier and more at peace than i've been in months. it takes leaving a place to realize what you're going to miss; i'm glad that i've at least begun to see it before i'm gone. it has truly been an incredible time that i've spent in korea, but it is time to walk on. and the road ahead, as it did when i arrived last april, lies out in front of me beautifully unknown.
thank you all so, so much for your thoughts, prayers, emails, messages, photo and blog comments, and love and support while i've been over here. it has meant more than you know and i am truly grateful.
love,
heather
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