i know it's been a few weeks since i last posted, and i apologize for that. my head has been a bit of a mess lately, and it's (frustratingly) made it difficult to sort out my thoughts and write down anything about this experience for you all. there are a few varied reasons, but the basic gist is that i've struggled to find some perspective on teaching here in korea. there have been days during the past few weeks when i've wondered if i can really do this. i came here because it was an amazing opportunity to both see a different part of the world and pay off a big chunk of my loans. teaching was secondary; i saw it as a cool new challenge and a job that would be something in which i actually could be emotionally invested. it has been both of those things, but much more the latter. i want to say i've been a lot more invested than i thought i'd be; to be honest, though, i had no idea how invested i would get. i'm not sure if that sentence makes sense, but it is the essence of why the last few weeks have been weird. having basically no expectations about an experience is a feeling that is entirely unfamiliar to me; i tend to have expectations for everything i do and so not having any about [teaching in] korea, with all of its unknowns and new territory (literally and figuratively), has been hard lately. not as far as adapting to life in a foreign city―that has been pretty easy, really―but in finding some sort of perspective from which to approach this experience. i said before that in general i have expectations for things i do. whether that's good or bad, it gives me a context in which i can place my emotions and a basis from which to understand what i'm thinking and feeling. it allows me to say "okay. this is what i thought it was going to be like, and this is what it's actually like. now i just need to bridge the gap between the two." but the past few weeks have shattered the possibility of that thought process and left me to come up with a new one.
that lack of a thought process has been especially difficult over the last few weeks because there have been some specific emotions that have been intense recently. and they in their combined intensity created a strange mix of feelings that i haven't known how to approach. they are, in no particular order:
-frustration. almost all of my students lately have been little snots (not just the kindergartners). i've got classes of nine kids who all refuse to talk and classes with a kid or two who should obviously be on ritalin but aren't, and a fair amount of blatant disrespect sprinkled throughout. the advice i have gotten from teachers who have been here longer is to not let it get to me. to do my job and leave it at that. i'd take their advice (english education is little more than a business here, and it's probably smarter to just leave work at work), but the problem is that i care about being a teacher. what i said about getting invested―finally having a job that's got some meaning to it makes me reluctant to relegate it to “that's just how i make a living” status so soon after arriving.
-anonymity. the ability to be anonymous as a foreigner is a bit of an enigma; i stick out like a sore thumb here yet i can count the people in this huge metropolis who really know me on one hand. it's an odd sensation to be simultaneously known and unknown. and it makes seoul feel rather unwelcoming at times.
-freedom/contentment. this is a side benefit of the anonymity―it is at times really liberating to be halfway around the world and know so few people. i go where i want to go and do whatever i want to do whenever i feel like it. i'm young and the only thing tying me down is college debt, which teaching is helping to diminish. it's awesome being here for a lot of reasons...a big one is all the travel and learning opportunities that i have. they make me feel like i'm a student again, but this time the streets i walk every day are my classroom and the random people i encounter are my teachers.
-loneliness. there have been moments lately when i've felt alone in this city of ten million people. i think that feeling alone while surrounded by this energy and these masses is more intense than it would be if i were to feel alone in the middle of the woods somewhere. it's more isolating to know so few people when there are so many swirling around you each day.
all that has been taking over my thoughts and emotions lately, and it's left me feeling like all i can do is experience what's in front of me and leave the processing for a later time, when my mind's got things better sorted. i need an balance of those two things, though, and it's felt recently like the lack of processing has been hindering the experience part a bit. two things this weekend finally changed that. the first was going to the park by our school with ellie on friday night. we got some soju and fanta and just relaxed and talked for a while in one of the many little pagodas there. having separate schedules but living in the same apartment means it's pretty easy to not make a concerted effort to talk to the other person and see how they're really doing. so to just sit and hang out and talk about everything we've each been feeling about being here lately―it was great. most days i still can't believe i up and moved to korea, but i am so glad that i did, and that i did so with my best friend. it is so easy to take for granted someone who is important to you; that slips away when that person is one of the only people who can truly understand a unique experience you're having. the second thing was this afternoon. it was the most beautiful day we've had since being here, i think―clear blue sky, sunshine, temperature in the mid-seventies―so ellie and i packed books, fruit, and some of our newly purchased sharp cheddar cheese (thank you, costco) and went to olympic park. there is a massive grassy area in the middle of the park that is generally filled with families and kids playing, and it's a great spot to spread out a blanket and relax. a few hours there was perfect...i laid down, closed my eyes, and savored the feeling of warm sunshine on my face. such a simple thing, but i haven't taken the time for relaxing and appreciating simple pleasures lately. the book i took with me to the park is a memoir by nicholas sparks called “three weeks with my brother;” it's about a trip they take around the world and it renewed my excitement about being in a new country. during their trip, they do a lot of reflecting on what has brought them each to the points they are at in their lives, and reading the book was such a good reminder that sometimes i just need to step back and look at things from a distance. it's something i've forgotten these past few weeks―to see this experience as a whole and not just the sum of its multiple sometimes-frustrating parts. that's the perspective i've been needing, and it's a relief to have found it.
i can't believe that there's less than a week left in may...i've been here six weeks already and it's crazy how fast the time is flying by. i miss you all and hope that you are doing well! to end on a light note...
-the latest additions to my korean vocabulary: left, right, straight, delicious, cheers, water, please give me some red bean ice water, and tofu dumpling stew. you can tell which ones will come in handy and which might not.
-most random recent experience: getting invited to join eight koreans picnicking in a pagoda while exploring a park with a friend. we took off our shoes and sat down on the mat, got handed dixie cups of rice liquor and chopsticks, and told to dig in. limited language knowledge made for an entertaining time, and the most i gathered was that a) they were pretty excited to have us hang out for a while and b) they were not, for whatever reason, particularly fond of the chinese. while we there it started pouring, so this already random and funny afternoon ended in a mad dash down the mountain with cups of sweet and sour chicken (they insisted we take some for the road) in hand.
love,
heather
