walk on

there are times in our life which define us. redefine us. take who we think we are or who we think we want to be and blow it to pieces. korea, down to the very core of it all, is each of those for me. i leave this place more sure than i've ever been and the most uncertain i think i'll ever be. i leave this place with feelings of joy and frustration fighting inside me, broken down and built up, a chaotic traffic jam of emotions all laying on their horns at once.

the negativity i've encountered in these last few weeks (in my own thoughts as well as the actions of other people) has been competing with all the good memories i've made in an attempt to leave me with a less-than-shining last impression of korea. this final month has been anything but what i expected. but then, that is exactly what korea has been all along. even when i had no expectations it has managed to shatter them. that has been both positive and negative, but in the end it has all come to mean more to me than i ever thought it could, and i wouldn't trade this chapter in my life for anything.

that said, i know i've got a ridiculous amount of processing to do over the next several months, wherever i may end up. i don't know exactly how i'll go about it or what it might look like, but i do know that it, along with a lot of unknown, will be waiting for me when i land in new york tomorrow afternoon.

i've realized over the past few days as i've been seeing people before i leave and hanging out with both koreans and foreigners, that talking to others is one of the most helpful parts of sorting through a year's worth of thoughts, emotions, and memories. it doesn't matter if they understand me because they've been through it or if they've got no clue what it's like; rather, that variety of perspectives is both welcome and necessary. however, what does make a difference is the questions asked. i've been thinking about culture shock lately as i prepare to go back, and one big part of that is usually the question “hey, how was ____?”. it seems innocent enough, but it is huge and overwhelming when you're returning from something that's become such a big part of who you are. it's probably one of the worst questions to ask because it tends to result in a quick answer that you know can't even come close to describing what you experienced. it cheapens it in a sense, and isolates you even more from those who weren't there with you. what's so much more helpful are the more specific questions that make you dig deeper into your thoughts and emotions and memories.

i want to be able to communicate my life as it's been for the past fourteen months in a way that does it justice, but it worries me that there are so many factors that can impede that. a lack of processing before leaving is the first of many that have and will come my way. for the last three days i've been living out of suitcases and a backpack in my friend's apartment, running here and there and everywhere to wrap up life here as best i can. i've had little quiet time to myself to sit and think and write. i should be sleeping but everything's coming at me in a rush now that i am eight hours from getting on a plane. what i have to realize is that processing something like this which has had such an effect on so many levels is not easy or quick. it will be a slow, gradual process that takes many varied forms—talking with people, little differences in daily life, customs i've adopted that i will continue subconsciously...things will come out when i don't expect them to. i am not a patient person, but i hope i can remember that as i continue on to whatever is next.

my life here is finished, maybe for good but at least for now. and as i leave, that negativity i talked about? it didn't truly stand a chance. i have felt more loved in the last few days, gotten more hugs, and felt happier and more at peace than i've been in months. it takes leaving a place to realize what you're going to miss; i'm glad that i've at least begun to see it before i'm gone. it has truly been an incredible time that i've spent in korea, but it is time to walk on. and the road ahead, as it did when i arrived last april, lies out in front of me beautifully unknown.


thank you all so, so much for your thoughts, prayers, emails, messages, photo and blog comments, and love and support while i've been over here. it has meant more than you know and i am truly grateful.


love,
heather

an imperfect equilibrium

four weeks from now i will be back in the united states. i can't even begin to describe how strange that feels, to think about leaving life as i've known it for the past thirteen months and to return (even just for a few months) to a culture that feels as foreign to me now as this one did when i arrived last spring. it's not a position i've ever been in before. but then, that's pretty much in keeping with how everything has been here. i came into korea with no expectations, no idea of all the new situations in which i would find myself, and nothing to go on when it came to dealing with those situations. challenging? for sure. but it's been a brilliant year because of that, a year in which i found truth and value in the phrase "sink or swim", a year which has given me a new perspective that i will carry into the months of uncertainty and processing that i know lie ahead. 

i don't want to leave korea. there's a lot here that i love and this is my home now, this is my life. the thought of leaving this place which has become so important to me truly makes me sad. but my life in seoul has just about run its course and it's time to go, at least for a little while. i'm tired and i'm beginning to see all the alcohol, the short skirts, the plastic faces, everywhere i look...these things that i've done a decent job of looking past all year are suddenly impossibly conspicious. i harbor no illusions about the culture here in seoul; i've known what it's like since i got here. for some reason, though, lately it's seemed to be much more in my face.

one thing korea has shown me as i think about leaving is that no place is perfect on its own accord. everywhere is only as good or as bad as you make it. i could leave here thinking about how it's just about destroyed my trust in people, caused me to become cynical about the existence of many good, solid people out there, and showed me how to bulls**t with the best of them because that's how they play the game here. or i can leave focusing on how it's played an undeniable and necessary role in my growth as a person, taught me (among other things) the importance of understanding the other in all situations, and led me to this place in which i now find myself--a place that is constructed of equal parts certainty and uncertainty, questions and answers. and it's good...so good. 

it's a balance that i didn't know i wanted, or even really know i was looking for. balance in my time and energy is something i've sought with mixed results over many months here, but this is balance on a deeper level. this is not the kind of balance that people typically seek; it is an imperfect equilibrium in that its parts are unpredictable and ever-changing. but i think i've now come to realize that it's the kind that works best for me at this point in my life. for example, i say i'm going to come back to korea in the fall, but in reality i won't be sure of that until it happens. there are a million factors in between now and then that could affect that move. that's okay. no matter where i find myself in four months i know it will be where i'm supposed to be. and that certainty, coupled with the knowledge that in wherever i end up i will get out exactly what i put in, solidifies a stability within me that i've been in search of for a long time. 

hope this finds you all well! i can't wait to see everyone in a few short weeks. i'm enjoying the end of my time in seoul but i'm getting more and more excited to be back in the company of people i've missed, to be back in my family's home in perkasie, to breathe some clean air... :) below are the links to my photos from april. 

love and hugs, 

heather

album 1:

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2012619&id=148800130&l=9d5c8c9c2f

album 2:

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2012742&id=148800130&l=58c88236c2