six words i never thought i'd say:
i am going back to korea.
first of all, because korea is not a place i ever thought i'd end up, let alone somewhere that's become a big part of who i am. and second of all, to be returning? what? i'm twenty-four years old and i've been out of college for over two years; i'm pretty sure that back when i was fourteen i thought i'd be married with a kid or two by now. the twists and turns life takes...
there's been a change in the air recently. the temperature has dropped a bit and the glorious crispness that signifies the start of fall has arrived. it's a fitting change given the past few weeks, a change that extends beyond my surroundings deep into my body and soul. and i find myself restless in anticipation of what is coming next.
let me explain. the last several weeks have held more emotion and thought than i've experienced in some time, all initially undesired but ultimately essential, and the timing of it all couldn't be more perfect. interactions with people and places that have been fairly absent from my life were not the easy return that i had expected, and the process for returning to korea didn't go according to how i thought it would. those things threw me for a loop; it was such a good loop, though, because it opened the door to things i didn't realize i had yet to process. things i had forgotten. things that i needed to work through before heading back to korea.
to process:
expectations, of the unrealistic and unfair variety, and how they affect relationships. when i came back from korea, i expected everyone to fit into the expectations i've built for myself, and that led to a disappointment that seemed poised to impact several of my relationships with old friends. but thanks to a good book by don miguel ruiz and some good conversations with my friend alex, i realized that it should never be about what i expect of people. there are no conditions in friendship, no need for someone to fit within a mold in order for me to value the interactions i have with them.
to remember:
that no matter what comes up, i can continue to use what's around me as motivation to grow. as i came home in june, i forgot how much of a hand our surroundings have in motivating us. looking back i can see clearly the difference in how motivated i was to grow and learn and challenge myself between when i lived in harrisonburg and when i moved to korea--in the former, i was settled in a place where all was known, where i had lived for years; in the latter, i abruptly entered a brand new world. and when i returned to pennsylvania, it was more of the similar and familiar. where did i grow the most? in the context in which i felt most alive, most aware of what surrounded me. the secret is in the stimuli. a simple enough understanding, but one that requires continued awareness to be useful.
to work through:
what having expectations means for life, in both positive and negative ways. the first time i went to korea, i had none. there was nothing i expected of going besides for it to be a cool new adventure in a place that was literally about as far from harrisonburg as i could get. i knew nothing of the culture, really, nor of the society or people. and i grew and changed so much because of that. this time around, i have reasons for going: things that i want to work on, questions i want answered, ways i want to test myself. and while it feels great to have all that in mind as i go, i need to be aware that what i want won't necessarily be what i get. there is a distinct possibility that korea, with its great talent for surprising me, will throw much of that out the window in favor of teaching me something completely different. it already did in the time it's made me wait before going. if nothing else, these past three weeks spent waiting, wishing, hoping for my visa to just get here already, have taught me a nice little lesson about trying to be in control of what i can't be. about expecting what i can't necessarily plan on having happen.
and realizing that, along with everything else, is what gives me this beautiful sense that i need to pay attention because what is coming next is going to be both good and important. i have spent the past four and a half months alternately wandering around seeing people and places and relaxing at my parents' house, but it's all been leading up to this moment. this small instant in time in which i take my next step before i leap into what will follow. and i can't begin to tell you what it will look like, only that it will be exactly what i didn't realize i needed.
so here's to another time of adventure, growth, and the great unknown! to my friends and family in the states, i thank you for the past couple of months and how great you've all made them; to my chingus in korea, i look forward to making more good memories in the months ahead. and, to everyone, i hope that your life is as fulfilling as mine has been and continues to be.
love,
heather
ps here are links to my photos from my wanderings during summer/early fall for those not on facebook...
june:
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2013693&id=148800130&l=3384de6203
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2013899&id=148800130&l=20950c7ed9
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2013911&id=148800130&l=3bde37d674
july:
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2014217&id=148800130&l=829937178b
august:
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2014355&id=148800130&l=ae28a6e06a
september:
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2014518&id=148800130&l=b754b812a6
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2014721&id=148800130&l=730f0e5e34
