We are not defined by singular actions we take, experiences we have, or decisions we make. As individual things, they are only pieces of who we are; they become, like all things we encounter, parts of a whole. Some of these things stay with us more intensely than others—they persist in sticking out from the rest, in refusing to blend in with everything that, combined, makes us who we are. But they always amalgamate themselves eventually, regardless of how much they do or not fade into the woodwork. There's a line in a Jack Johnson song that talks about drawing our own constellations—that to me is such a good analogy for the way we define ourselves, for how we develop our identities. Each of the decisions we make and the consequences that result, each of the experiences we have, each of the actions we take...they are merely lights in the sky, points in the greater landscape. One on its own cannot fully define us, even if it stands out as a being a bit brighter than those that surround it. And we, not those who look at us, are the ones who get to connect the dots to say “This is who I am.” People will see what they want to see, but in the end what matters is what we see when we look in the mirror. What matters is which dots we give greatest importance to in defining who we are.
That said (and I do believe in the truth of all that I just wrote), there is a question that I have been struggling with lately: Is it okay to allow where we are at a certain point in our lives to define us if doing so is the best way to truly live?
I've been so concerned lately with a few specific things I've been going through to do any processing of life as a bigger picture, but thinking about the grander scheme of things is something I value and need to do. I turn 25 tomorrow and that's got me doing some reflecting for sure...I never ever thought that I'd be in Korea at this point in my life, much less that I'd reach this age and still have absolutely no clue what I want to do with my life. I'm not saying that being here is a bad thing—there is a lot you learn about yourself by jumping headfirst into life in a country as different from what you've always known as Korea is, and that is part of the reason I came back. I knew I'd do a lot of figuring out who I am and who I want to be. But there is a difference between the initial experience and the second time around. I need to remember why I came if I want to avoid getting sucked into the attitude (one that is quite prevalent here) that it's okay to put life on hold for a year to live this carefree lifestyle. I mention these things in relation to the question I've been struggling with because while I don't know where I'm headed, I do know that I am here, in Korea, now. I've been thinking about what it means to be somewhere and be there fully...I am so luck to be here, and yet I've let a few things get in the way of appreciating that fact because I thought those things were what was most important right now. But what's important is that I'm living my life in the fullest way possible. If I'm going to be here for awhile yet with the next step remaining unclear, I need to come out of here knowing that I got everything I could out of this experience. So what does that mean for me in daily life, in the weeks and months ahead, and in the bigger picture? I think it means allowing myself to get caught up in the moments here that make Korea so unique, the things I won't experience any other time in my life, while also being conscious of what I don't want to get caught up in. It means keeping a mentality of balance—living, and at the same time staying aware of what that means to me in terms of who I am and who I want to be in the future.
So I suppose the answer to my question (if there is one) is that it's okay to allow the outside influence, as long as it is tempered both by the influence of our inner selves and with a consciousness of what effects the surrounding context has and will have on us. As always, it has come back to balance and awareness...two things Korea teaches me over and over and over again. They are good lessons to have repeated, though, because they're ones that will hold true no matter where I go in my life.
It's getting warmer here in Busan, and knowing that springtime is approaching gives me a sense of rightness. I am of the opinion that moments of mental change in our lives tend to be accompanied by an external shift of some kind that pushes the internal change just to where it needs to be, that tells us the time is right for a change. Whether it's a change in season or in environment, it is important to feel that certainty.
When I look back on what has defined me in my life so far, I see a lot of external turning points that have pushed me forward to the next step. There are not a lot of times where I see that I have been aware of changes as they've been happening; instead I have looked back from the next point and realized how I was affected. And that's okay. Reflection is good and tells us quite a bit about ourselves. But I want to be someone who can see what's affecting me as it's doing so, and to be certain in my approach to how much I am influenced and in what ways. Maybe Korea so far has been one big turning point in that regard for me; from day one it's been a place that's taught me how to be that kind of person. It's something that I am continually practicing, and that has translated into learning more the longer I am here how important that is, and how it relates to connecting my own dots. The more aware you are of yourself, your surroundings, and how the two relate, the easier it is to choose what you allow to define you. I don't say this in terms of trying to have total control over what you experience; quite the opposite: letting yourself experience everything you can and then processing what it all means to you. Directing your paths, yes, but not trying to fit the paths into places they're not meant to go. I'm learning that it's the best way to live and feel truly alive—and that is a feeling I've missed.
As you can see it's been a bit of a mentally tiring several weeks since I last wrote. But there is a change in the air and I feel like in a way my soul is returning...it's a beautiful feeling to awake to after a long winter. All that said, I have had some amazing times thrown in the mix. Below are links to Facebook photo albums of the oh-so-awesome shenanigans we get into here in Busan. Enjoy, and make sure you breathe spring in deeply when it arrives :) Miss you all lots!
Love,
Heather
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2016367&id=148800130&l=0844bf1365
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2016369&id=148800130&l=d887d8c7b4
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2016394&id=148800130&l=b1bf19f005
