an imperfect equilibrium

four weeks from now i will be back in the united states. i can't even begin to describe how strange that feels, to think about leaving life as i've known it for the past thirteen months and to return (even just for a few months) to a culture that feels as foreign to me now as this one did when i arrived last spring. it's not a position i've ever been in before. but then, that's pretty much in keeping with how everything has been here. i came into korea with no expectations, no idea of all the new situations in which i would find myself, and nothing to go on when it came to dealing with those situations. challenging? for sure. but it's been a brilliant year because of that, a year in which i found truth and value in the phrase "sink or swim", a year which has given me a new perspective that i will carry into the months of uncertainty and processing that i know lie ahead. 

i don't want to leave korea. there's a lot here that i love and this is my home now, this is my life. the thought of leaving this place which has become so important to me truly makes me sad. but my life in seoul has just about run its course and it's time to go, at least for a little while. i'm tired and i'm beginning to see all the alcohol, the short skirts, the plastic faces, everywhere i look...these things that i've done a decent job of looking past all year are suddenly impossibly conspicious. i harbor no illusions about the culture here in seoul; i've known what it's like since i got here. for some reason, though, lately it's seemed to be much more in my face.

one thing korea has shown me as i think about leaving is that no place is perfect on its own accord. everywhere is only as good or as bad as you make it. i could leave here thinking about how it's just about destroyed my trust in people, caused me to become cynical about the existence of many good, solid people out there, and showed me how to bulls**t with the best of them because that's how they play the game here. or i can leave focusing on how it's played an undeniable and necessary role in my growth as a person, taught me (among other things) the importance of understanding the other in all situations, and led me to this place in which i now find myself--a place that is constructed of equal parts certainty and uncertainty, questions and answers. and it's good...so good. 

it's a balance that i didn't know i wanted, or even really know i was looking for. balance in my time and energy is something i've sought with mixed results over many months here, but this is balance on a deeper level. this is not the kind of balance that people typically seek; it is an imperfect equilibrium in that its parts are unpredictable and ever-changing. but i think i've now come to realize that it's the kind that works best for me at this point in my life. for example, i say i'm going to come back to korea in the fall, but in reality i won't be sure of that until it happens. there are a million factors in between now and then that could affect that move. that's okay. no matter where i find myself in four months i know it will be where i'm supposed to be. and that certainty, coupled with the knowledge that in wherever i end up i will get out exactly what i put in, solidifies a stability within me that i've been in search of for a long time. 

hope this finds you all well! i can't wait to see everyone in a few short weeks. i'm enjoying the end of my time in seoul but i'm getting more and more excited to be back in the company of people i've missed, to be back in my family's home in perkasie, to breathe some clean air... :) below are the links to my photos from april. 

love and hugs, 

heather

album 1:

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2012619&id=148800130&l=9d5c8c9c2f

album 2:

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2012742&id=148800130&l=58c88236c2