tomorrow i will return to the states for the second time in a month. this time, though, the uncertainty seems more ominous.
not knowing what lies ahead is unnerving. but i think, reflecting on my experience with korea and all the unknowns there, i'm more inclined to be open to whatever comes along. when i returned from korea at the end of may, i knew i was leaving for panama shortly and the decisions i need to make come august felt pretty far away. but now they're staring me in the face. i've tried to choose a direction ahead of time, yet each time i did so, something would come up that made me rethink it. so now i'm going to make good on my initial choice to explore the different areas through which i'll be passing and the opportunities that may be there. the only conditions i have for where i end up are that i find some good friends and that i am happy.
there are very few decisions in my life that have come about through me truly wanting something and going for it. they mainly resulted from an unhappiness with where i was coinciding with an opportunity to try something new. not a bad way to go about things, as each time has ended up being exactly where i needed to be, but it's time to change that process. to be open to what may come, yes, but also to be active in the path my life takes.
i don't know what in particular in the past has caused me to be so passive. maybe i truly haven't known what i wanted; i'm sure that's been part of it. but i think another part of me has been afraid that if i want something, go after it, and get it, i won't quite know what to do next. that's a fear i need to conquer. seems big and scary, but when i look back on all that i conquered in korea, it looks much smaller.
tomorrow we leave panama. we're coming back a few days early to better eradicate whatever bug infestation i picked up, and it will be nice to have some extra time before heading off to chicago/h'burg/dc/south carolina/north carolina for the next couple weeks. this trip has been good for me, both to get back into a culture that i love and to remind me of the importance of having a home base. wherever i settle in the fall, although it may not be perfect, will at least be my home and will be where i have decided to be. and that is a nice feeling.
hasta pronto,
heather
30 June 2009
26 June 2009
bugbites at the beach
i can't stop itching. it's really driving me nuts. i am so happy to be in panama and wish i felt like doing all the cool stuff there is to do. but the reality is that i am literally covered in bites or bumps of some kind that have been increasing in number daily and that two pharmacists so far have failed to help with. the third thinks i may be allergic to something that bit me, and i really, really hope he's right (and that this medicine actually works). i'm so bummed about this and i especially hate that it makes me want to leave early. who wants to leave vacation in panama to go home early?
sick people, i guess.
we've seen and done some pretty awesome things here: watched a ship go through the miraflores locks on the panama canal, ziplined through the cloud forest outside of boquete, rode a bus over the continental divide through some of the most beautiful scenery i've ever seen...i definitely don't want to leave. yet underlying all the great things is this annoyance that won't go away. every night i wake up itching and every morning i wake up with more bites. fixing whatever this is would be one thing if i was in the states, with access to a doctor who spoke my language, and in one place for more than a day or two. when you're traveling, though, it's nearly impossible.
there's this quote that goes, "every journey has a secret destination of which the traveler is unaware." i love it because it attests to part of the reason i'm drawn to traveling: the unknown, the mysterious, the understanding that no matter what, there's going to be something that comes up that you can't control. that last one so far has been limited to crazy taxi drivers and shady hostels in foreign cities. but this time it's different. it's testing me. part of what i've been learning here is how to move with the flow of things, to adjust to what comes along. another part is (re)learning myself, what i can and cannot take, what i do and do not want. as silly as it may sound, these bumps and bites all over my legs and arms and neck are probably the best test there could be. it's teaching me to control my emotions and reactions and to deal with things in the best way for myself and those around me, whatever that all may look like. and, that i'll probably never be able to live in the jungle. ah, well.
today we left the beautiful fortuna cloud forest and bussed, walked, and water-taxied our way to isla colón in bocas del toro, on the caribbean coast of panamá. tomorrow we are taking a tour of four different islands here in the archipelago that will include swimming with dolphins and snorkeling. i am super excited and will be sure to take some lovely photos to share with everyone!
hope you all are enjoying your summer and are staying cool :)
chau,
heather
sick people, i guess.
we've seen and done some pretty awesome things here: watched a ship go through the miraflores locks on the panama canal, ziplined through the cloud forest outside of boquete, rode a bus over the continental divide through some of the most beautiful scenery i've ever seen...i definitely don't want to leave. yet underlying all the great things is this annoyance that won't go away. every night i wake up itching and every morning i wake up with more bites. fixing whatever this is would be one thing if i was in the states, with access to a doctor who spoke my language, and in one place for more than a day or two. when you're traveling, though, it's nearly impossible.
there's this quote that goes, "every journey has a secret destination of which the traveler is unaware." i love it because it attests to part of the reason i'm drawn to traveling: the unknown, the mysterious, the understanding that no matter what, there's going to be something that comes up that you can't control. that last one so far has been limited to crazy taxi drivers and shady hostels in foreign cities. but this time it's different. it's testing me. part of what i've been learning here is how to move with the flow of things, to adjust to what comes along. another part is (re)learning myself, what i can and cannot take, what i do and do not want. as silly as it may sound, these bumps and bites all over my legs and arms and neck are probably the best test there could be. it's teaching me to control my emotions and reactions and to deal with things in the best way for myself and those around me, whatever that all may look like. and, that i'll probably never be able to live in the jungle. ah, well.
today we left the beautiful fortuna cloud forest and bussed, walked, and water-taxied our way to isla colón in bocas del toro, on the caribbean coast of panamá. tomorrow we are taking a tour of four different islands here in the archipelago that will include swimming with dolphins and snorkeling. i am super excited and will be sure to take some lovely photos to share with everyone!
hope you all are enjoying your summer and are staying cool :)
chau,
heather
20 June 2009
volviendo (returning)
i'm in panama. and it's really good.
good in the way korea was, good in a way that, until i got back to the states a few weeks ago, i had forgotten i needed. good in the way that challenges what i think and what i feel and that makes me wonder if i can ever live without encountering new places every so often.
my last five months in korea very nearly destroyed all the growth that i experienced within myself up until that turning point in january. and when i got home to find everything the same, that just about finished the job.
i changed a lot in korea. especially in my first nine months there. and it was all so good. then i returned home after five months of stress and tension and emotion to a context that i had always known but which had never particularly challenged me and forced me to grow. and i slid back toward who i had been before korea changed all of that.
it's always taken me a little longer to learn things than it probably should. even on the other side of the world, where i was forced to learn fast if i wanted to not only survive there but thrive, that was still the case to an extent.
and now i find myself back there again. the trouble, i'm coming to realize, lies in my difficulty in remaining consistent despite the changing of context.
my few days in panama thus far have not been bad; in fact, they've been quite nice. but they've also been disappointing in a sense. this is in part because i've not been feeling so well, but also in part because i've been a bit down since coming home from korea. i had high expectations for this trip being amazing, and because of how i've been feeling mentally and physically things haven't quite measured up.
there is no doubt in my mind that it was time to leave korea when i did, but i didn't know (and still don't) where i am to go from here. i've been learning a lot about determining what i want and going after it, and i hope that within the next few months i am fully able to do that. for now, though, i really want to move forward while letting this time in panama be what it can be and needs to be for me. to move fluidly with the days and the culture around me, and to return to that state of peaceful contentment with who and where i am that i've lost in recent months.
what i've seen of panama so far is a beauty that lies in that kind of contentment. this is a place that, unlike korea, knows itself in all its good and bad aspects and doesn't feel a need or desire to change that. it is a place that feels balanced, a place i can learn from, and a breath of fresh air after korea.
i'm enjoying the feel of spanish rolling off my tongue, the sound of rain falling outside, the sway of a hammock and the breeze on a hot day...this is where i'm supposed to be right now and it is good.
hasta luego...
good in the way korea was, good in a way that, until i got back to the states a few weeks ago, i had forgotten i needed. good in the way that challenges what i think and what i feel and that makes me wonder if i can ever live without encountering new places every so often.
my last five months in korea very nearly destroyed all the growth that i experienced within myself up until that turning point in january. and when i got home to find everything the same, that just about finished the job.
i changed a lot in korea. especially in my first nine months there. and it was all so good. then i returned home after five months of stress and tension and emotion to a context that i had always known but which had never particularly challenged me and forced me to grow. and i slid back toward who i had been before korea changed all of that.
it's always taken me a little longer to learn things than it probably should. even on the other side of the world, where i was forced to learn fast if i wanted to not only survive there but thrive, that was still the case to an extent.
and now i find myself back there again. the trouble, i'm coming to realize, lies in my difficulty in remaining consistent despite the changing of context.
my few days in panama thus far have not been bad; in fact, they've been quite nice. but they've also been disappointing in a sense. this is in part because i've not been feeling so well, but also in part because i've been a bit down since coming home from korea. i had high expectations for this trip being amazing, and because of how i've been feeling mentally and physically things haven't quite measured up.
there is no doubt in my mind that it was time to leave korea when i did, but i didn't know (and still don't) where i am to go from here. i've been learning a lot about determining what i want and going after it, and i hope that within the next few months i am fully able to do that. for now, though, i really want to move forward while letting this time in panama be what it can be and needs to be for me. to move fluidly with the days and the culture around me, and to return to that state of peaceful contentment with who and where i am that i've lost in recent months.
what i've seen of panama so far is a beauty that lies in that kind of contentment. this is a place that, unlike korea, knows itself in all its good and bad aspects and doesn't feel a need or desire to change that. it is a place that feels balanced, a place i can learn from, and a breath of fresh air after korea.
i'm enjoying the feel of spanish rolling off my tongue, the sound of rain falling outside, the sway of a hammock and the breeze on a hot day...this is where i'm supposed to be right now and it is good.
hasta luego...
31 May 2009
walk on
there are times in our life which define us. redefine us. take who we think we are or who we think we want to be and blow it to pieces. korea, down to the very core of it all, is each of those for me. i leave this place more sure than i've ever been and the most uncertain i think i'll ever be. i leave this place with feelings of joy and frustration fighting inside me, broken down and built up, a chaotic traffic jam of emotions all laying on their horns at once.
the negativity i've encountered in these last few weeks (in my own thoughts as well as the actions of other people) has been competing with all the good memories i've made in an attempt to leave me with a less-than-shining last impression of korea. this final month has been anything but what i expected. but then, that is exactly what korea has been all along. even when i had no expectations it has managed to shatter them. that has been both positive and negative, but in the end it has all come to mean more to me than i ever thought it could, and i wouldn't trade this chapter in my life for anything.
that said, i know i've got a ridiculous amount of processing to do over the next several months, wherever i may end up. i don't know exactly how i'll go about it or what it might look like, but i do know that it, along with a lot of unknown, will be waiting for me when i land in new york tomorrow afternoon.
i've realized over the past few days as i've been seeing people before i leave and hanging out with both koreans and foreigners, that talking to others is one of the most helpful parts of sorting through a year's worth of thoughts, emotions, and memories. it doesn't matter if they understand me because they've been through it or if they've got no clue what it's like; rather, that variety of perspectives is both welcome and necessary. however, what does make a difference is the questions asked. i've been thinking about culture shock lately as i prepare to go back, and one big part of that is usually the question “hey, how was ____?”. it seems innocent enough, but it is huge and overwhelming when you're returning from something that's become such a big part of who you are. it's probably one of the worst questions to ask because it tends to result in a quick answer that you know can't even come close to describing what you experienced. it cheapens it in a sense, and isolates you even more from those who weren't there with you. what's so much more helpful are the more specific questions that make you dig deeper into your thoughts and emotions and memories.
i want to be able to communicate my life as it's been for the past fourteen months in a way that does it justice, but it worries me that there are so many factors that can impede that. a lack of processing before leaving is the first of many that have and will come my way. for the last three days i've been living out of suitcases and a backpack in my friend's apartment, running here and there and everywhere to wrap up life here as best i can. i've had little quiet time to myself to sit and think and write. i should be sleeping but everything's coming at me in a rush now that i am eight hours from getting on a plane. what i have to realize is that processing something like this which has had such an effect on so many levels is not easy or quick. it will be a slow, gradual process that takes many varied forms—talking with people, little differences in daily life, customs i've adopted that i will continue subconsciously...things will come out when i don't expect them to. i am not a patient person, but i hope i can remember that as i continue on to whatever is next.
my life here is finished, maybe for good but at least for now. and as i leave, that negativity i talked about? it didn't truly stand a chance. i have felt more loved in the last few days, gotten more hugs, and felt happier and more at peace than i've been in months. it takes leaving a place to realize what you're going to miss; i'm glad that i've at least begun to see it before i'm gone. it has truly been an incredible time that i've spent in korea, but it is time to walk on. and the road ahead, as it did when i arrived last april, lies out in front of me beautifully unknown.
thank you all so, so much for your thoughts, prayers, emails, messages, photo and blog comments, and love and support while i've been over here. it has meant more than you know and i am truly grateful.
love,
heather
the negativity i've encountered in these last few weeks (in my own thoughts as well as the actions of other people) has been competing with all the good memories i've made in an attempt to leave me with a less-than-shining last impression of korea. this final month has been anything but what i expected. but then, that is exactly what korea has been all along. even when i had no expectations it has managed to shatter them. that has been both positive and negative, but in the end it has all come to mean more to me than i ever thought it could, and i wouldn't trade this chapter in my life for anything.
that said, i know i've got a ridiculous amount of processing to do over the next several months, wherever i may end up. i don't know exactly how i'll go about it or what it might look like, but i do know that it, along with a lot of unknown, will be waiting for me when i land in new york tomorrow afternoon.
i've realized over the past few days as i've been seeing people before i leave and hanging out with both koreans and foreigners, that talking to others is one of the most helpful parts of sorting through a year's worth of thoughts, emotions, and memories. it doesn't matter if they understand me because they've been through it or if they've got no clue what it's like; rather, that variety of perspectives is both welcome and necessary. however, what does make a difference is the questions asked. i've been thinking about culture shock lately as i prepare to go back, and one big part of that is usually the question “hey, how was ____?”. it seems innocent enough, but it is huge and overwhelming when you're returning from something that's become such a big part of who you are. it's probably one of the worst questions to ask because it tends to result in a quick answer that you know can't even come close to describing what you experienced. it cheapens it in a sense, and isolates you even more from those who weren't there with you. what's so much more helpful are the more specific questions that make you dig deeper into your thoughts and emotions and memories.
i want to be able to communicate my life as it's been for the past fourteen months in a way that does it justice, but it worries me that there are so many factors that can impede that. a lack of processing before leaving is the first of many that have and will come my way. for the last three days i've been living out of suitcases and a backpack in my friend's apartment, running here and there and everywhere to wrap up life here as best i can. i've had little quiet time to myself to sit and think and write. i should be sleeping but everything's coming at me in a rush now that i am eight hours from getting on a plane. what i have to realize is that processing something like this which has had such an effect on so many levels is not easy or quick. it will be a slow, gradual process that takes many varied forms—talking with people, little differences in daily life, customs i've adopted that i will continue subconsciously...things will come out when i don't expect them to. i am not a patient person, but i hope i can remember that as i continue on to whatever is next.
my life here is finished, maybe for good but at least for now. and as i leave, that negativity i talked about? it didn't truly stand a chance. i have felt more loved in the last few days, gotten more hugs, and felt happier and more at peace than i've been in months. it takes leaving a place to realize what you're going to miss; i'm glad that i've at least begun to see it before i'm gone. it has truly been an incredible time that i've spent in korea, but it is time to walk on. and the road ahead, as it did when i arrived last april, lies out in front of me beautifully unknown.
thank you all so, so much for your thoughts, prayers, emails, messages, photo and blog comments, and love and support while i've been over here. it has meant more than you know and i am truly grateful.
love,
heather
05 May 2009
an imperfect equilibrium
four weeks from now i will be back in the united states. i can't even begin to describe how strange that feels, to think about leaving life as i've known it for the past thirteen months and to return (even just for a few months) to a culture that feels as foreign to me now as this one did when i arrived last spring. it's not a position i've ever been in before. but then, that's pretty much in keeping with how everything has been here. i came into korea with no expectations, no idea of all the new situations in which i would find myself, and nothing to go on when it came to dealing with those situations. challenging? for sure. but it's been a brilliant year because of that, a year in which i found truth and value in the phrase "sink or swim", a year which has given me a new perspective that i will carry into the months of uncertainty and processing that i know lie ahead.
i don't want to leave korea. there's a lot here that i love and this is my home now, this is my life. the thought of leaving this place which has become so important to me truly makes me sad. but my life in seoul has just about run its course and it's time to go, at least for a little while. i'm tired and i'm beginning to see all the alcohol, the short skirts, the plastic faces, everywhere i look...these things that i've done a decent job of looking past all year are suddenly impossibly conspicious. i harbor no illusions about the culture here in seoul; i've known what it's like since i got here. for some reason, though, lately it's seemed to be much more in my face.
one thing korea has shown me as i think about leaving is that no place is perfect on its own accord. everywhere is only as good or as bad as you make it. i could leave here thinking about how it's just about destroyed my trust in people, caused me to become cynical about the existence of many good, solid people out there, and showed me how to bulls**t with the best of them because that's how they play the game here. or i can leave focusing on how it's played an undeniable and necessary role in my growth as a person, taught me (among other things) the importance of understanding the other in all situations, and led me to this place in which i now find myself--a place that is constructed of equal parts certainty and uncertainty, questions and answers. and it's good...so good.
it's a balance that i didn't know i wanted, or even really know i was looking for. balance in my time and energy is something i've sought with mixed results over many months here, but this is balance on a deeper level. this is not the kind of balance that people typically seek; it is an imperfect equilibrium in that its parts are unpredictable and ever-changing. but i think i've now come to realize that it's the kind that works best for me at this point in my life. for example, i say i'm going to come back to korea in the fall, but in reality i won't be sure of that until it happens. there are a million factors in between now and then that could affect that move. that's okay. no matter where i find myself in four months i know it will be where i'm supposed to be. and that certainty, coupled with the knowledge that in wherever i end up i will get out exactly what i put in, solidifies a stability within me that i've been in search of for a long time.
hope this finds you all well! i can't wait to see everyone in a few short weeks. i'm enjoying the end of my time in seoul but i'm getting more and more excited to be back in the company of people i've missed, to be back in my family's home in perkasie, to breathe some clean air... :) below are the links to my photos from april.
love and hugs,
heather
album 1:
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2012619&id=148800130&l=9d5c8c9c2f
album 2:
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2012742&id=148800130&l=58c88236c2
08 April 2009
one year later
recently i discovered a slightly horrifying fact: the man for whom i've now worked for a full year thought i would enjoy pink wallpaper in my new apartment. pink wallpaper. as in, the entirety of the room covered in pink. he looked truly surprised when i blurted out a very serious "are you kidding?" it was slightly funny at the time, but it begged the question: does he know me at all?
doubtful.
in korea (seoul in particular), as i'm sure i've mentioned before, what's on the surface is very important. it's all about the image. your personal image, your family's image, whatever...everyone is concerned with others' perceptions of them.
this is something i struggled with when i first arrived. in fact, for the first several months that i was here, i cared more about what others thought than i ever have. then i realized what i was doing and stopped. i started dreadlocks two months ago, and i'm using those, given how concerned with the surface people are here, as a way to challenge myself and challenge those around me. my dreads looked like crap for a full month before they finally started to look a little bit nicer, a little bit more like dreads. at first i was a little self-conscious about them. the kids laughed at me every day and i knew every teacher in school was wondering when i would be done with this strange new hairstyle. but after a while, i didn't care. i wasn't doing them to look good or to fit in. i was doing them because i wanted to try it. and once i remembered that, i truly began to embrace it. i liked grossing out the people sitting behind me on the subway with my unwashed hair, and i enjoyed the stares. that's because my reasons for having dreads began to grow deeper. while i don't think i'll truly change anyone, i at least want to make them think. i want the people who stop and stare at me walking down the street to think about why they're staring. i want them to realize that they don't all have to be so much the same, to realize it's not all about appearance and what everyone else thinks, and to realize that there's so much more than the surface.
a friend of mine wrote a song about living here called "my city." the whole song is really good, but the last lines in particular stood out to me:
it's knowin this place, may never quite fit me
but at least in this moment, this is my city
those words are speaking to me so strongly these days. i have been here for exactly a year now, and i am leaving in just over two months. the following is my most recent journal entry:
“this place is my world right now. it's exponentially larger and yet infinitely smaller than worlds i've known in the past. at times it broadens my horizons and perspectives, and at times it shrinks around me.
this place is pain and joy, laughter and tears, brokenness and growth, discovery and being lost. it is everything i am and everything i'm not. it has made me who i am and reminds me who i don't want to be.
this place has changed me, and i am terrified of going home, because i don't know how i'll ever begin to explain that to people who can't truly understand.”
i should clarify that i am definitely excited to go back to the states and see everyone. there's a substantial amount of fear in me, though, as well. that journal entry is my best attempt at explaining korea and what it is to me now, but i don't know if those words are enough for those who used to know me best to understand.
and therein lies the irony of this place. the ones who understand all the little things—all the nuances and minor amusements of korea and what it's like to live here as a foreigner—they're the ones with whom it's nearly impossible to make deeper connections. there's often just not enough time because their places here are just as temporary as yours. that's what adds to the overwhelming feeling of superficiality i've continued to struggle with in korea. in addition to the appearance side of it, relationships are more of the same. it's so very rare to develop friendships here in which people truly know each other. and at the same time, you've removed yourself from the context where you used to exist and left it, and its familiarity and depth, behind. it's like this weird limbo-land in which the only person who truly knows you is you. that is why the potential for growth and maturity is so high when you move to a brand-new place that's miles from everything you used to know. i realized that several months ago and i took it and ran with it, and that is the reason i find myself in the place i do: with friends, but alone, and with no idea what the coming months are going to feel like.
on a lighter note, spring has finally come to seoul! the temperature is perfect, the sun is shining, and it's given me more energy to be out doing things. i'm also in a new apartment that is roughly a two minute walk from school, and i've got all next week off of work...nice-uh :) there are now eight weekends left before i get on a plane to the u.s., and ellie and i are trying to make sure we do everything we want to before heading out. some of those things include:
-getting silver suits and wearing them around seoul
-doing the dmz tour (i remember saying last year that we didn't want to save it till our last month here, but that that's what would probably happen...and it did)
-going hiking in jeollanamdo (south-easternmost province in south korea)
-going to everland (big amusement park outside of seoul)
-exploring islands off the western coast near incheon
-spending more sunday afternoons in olympic park
-going to our korean co-teacher's house in incheon and making korean food with her
miss you all a lot and hope this finds everyone well! i will be posting more photos from march and april to facebook soon.
love and hugs,
heather
doubtful.
in korea (seoul in particular), as i'm sure i've mentioned before, what's on the surface is very important. it's all about the image. your personal image, your family's image, whatever...everyone is concerned with others' perceptions of them.
this is something i struggled with when i first arrived. in fact, for the first several months that i was here, i cared more about what others thought than i ever have. then i realized what i was doing and stopped. i started dreadlocks two months ago, and i'm using those, given how concerned with the surface people are here, as a way to challenge myself and challenge those around me. my dreads looked like crap for a full month before they finally started to look a little bit nicer, a little bit more like dreads. at first i was a little self-conscious about them. the kids laughed at me every day and i knew every teacher in school was wondering when i would be done with this strange new hairstyle. but after a while, i didn't care. i wasn't doing them to look good or to fit in. i was doing them because i wanted to try it. and once i remembered that, i truly began to embrace it. i liked grossing out the people sitting behind me on the subway with my unwashed hair, and i enjoyed the stares. that's because my reasons for having dreads began to grow deeper. while i don't think i'll truly change anyone, i at least want to make them think. i want the people who stop and stare at me walking down the street to think about why they're staring. i want them to realize that they don't all have to be so much the same, to realize it's not all about appearance and what everyone else thinks, and to realize that there's so much more than the surface.
a friend of mine wrote a song about living here called "my city." the whole song is really good, but the last lines in particular stood out to me:
it's knowin this place, may never quite fit me
but at least in this moment, this is my city
those words are speaking to me so strongly these days. i have been here for exactly a year now, and i am leaving in just over two months. the following is my most recent journal entry:
“this place is my world right now. it's exponentially larger and yet infinitely smaller than worlds i've known in the past. at times it broadens my horizons and perspectives, and at times it shrinks around me.
this place is pain and joy, laughter and tears, brokenness and growth, discovery and being lost. it is everything i am and everything i'm not. it has made me who i am and reminds me who i don't want to be.
this place has changed me, and i am terrified of going home, because i don't know how i'll ever begin to explain that to people who can't truly understand.”
i should clarify that i am definitely excited to go back to the states and see everyone. there's a substantial amount of fear in me, though, as well. that journal entry is my best attempt at explaining korea and what it is to me now, but i don't know if those words are enough for those who used to know me best to understand.
and therein lies the irony of this place. the ones who understand all the little things—all the nuances and minor amusements of korea and what it's like to live here as a foreigner—they're the ones with whom it's nearly impossible to make deeper connections. there's often just not enough time because their places here are just as temporary as yours. that's what adds to the overwhelming feeling of superficiality i've continued to struggle with in korea. in addition to the appearance side of it, relationships are more of the same. it's so very rare to develop friendships here in which people truly know each other. and at the same time, you've removed yourself from the context where you used to exist and left it, and its familiarity and depth, behind. it's like this weird limbo-land in which the only person who truly knows you is you. that is why the potential for growth and maturity is so high when you move to a brand-new place that's miles from everything you used to know. i realized that several months ago and i took it and ran with it, and that is the reason i find myself in the place i do: with friends, but alone, and with no idea what the coming months are going to feel like.
on a lighter note, spring has finally come to seoul! the temperature is perfect, the sun is shining, and it's given me more energy to be out doing things. i'm also in a new apartment that is roughly a two minute walk from school, and i've got all next week off of work...nice-uh :) there are now eight weekends left before i get on a plane to the u.s., and ellie and i are trying to make sure we do everything we want to before heading out. some of those things include:
-getting silver suits and wearing them around seoul
-doing the dmz tour (i remember saying last year that we didn't want to save it till our last month here, but that that's what would probably happen...and it did)
-going hiking in jeollanamdo (south-easternmost province in south korea)
-going to everland (big amusement park outside of seoul)
-exploring islands off the western coast near incheon
-spending more sunday afternoons in olympic park
-going to our korean co-teacher's house in incheon and making korean food with her
miss you all a lot and hope this finds everyone well! i will be posting more photos from march and april to facebook soon.
love and hugs,
heather
16 March 2009
dance through the fire
people get held back by the voice inside them
-from “in the beginning” by knaan
these last few months are like a final exam in life for what i think i've learned in korea. last week it took everything in me to avoid yelling at someone and getting on the next plane out of here. between the hellish months of january and february, schedule changes at the beginning of this month, a new head teacher coming in and making unnecessary changes, and the fact that i've been teaching and living here for almost a year...i'm exhausted, i'm jaded, and i hate it.
which brings me to the feeling of taking this massive, real-life test for which i haven't had time to study. i just have to hope that i've absorbed all i need to know throughout the year. subject: how to do better than just survive in korea.
that feeling of being exhausted and jaded has been hard to deal with, and has been made especially hard by a look back at some of my posted writings and photos from when i first arrived. one thing i re-read was the first blog i wrote after arriving here. i titled it “first impressions” and i talked about everything from teaching to seoul to kimchi...ah, i was so excited to learn everything then! it was all new and there was so much to explore and experience. it wasn't all great for the first few months—far from it—but that was more than balanced out by the feeling of being alive that living in a brand-new place brings.
a week ago i had found that kind of feeling again, that feeling of being alive and of wanting to get the most out of my time here that i could. i wrote this in my journal:
“down to less than three months left now. what a weird feeling. it's been such a journey, too...where i was a year ago seems so distant that to be honest, i'm having trouble remembering it. i'm such a different person now than i was twelve months ago...the growth i've gone through is astounding in how much it's defined me. and it has not been a perfect year. far from it. but it's been a good year. a year that god, i needed. the great thing, too, is that i feel like i'm coming full circle, although it's like full circle with a twist. i'm arriving again at this point where i'm excited to see everything, do everything, experience everything...but this time around i've got the context in place already. i know from past experiences what it can should will feel like. i also feel a sense of urgency that wasn't there before, a feeling like there's not enough time to do it all.”
then i had a particularly bad week at school and i wanted to leave. i was feeling, to put it nicely, screwed over. by the school, the economy and the horrible exchange rate, and my own weaknesses. much of korea felt old and seen and explored and i was having trouble finding the vitality in life here. i could left, too. i could have said, “you know what, [director] sam, i'm just going to leave in april when my contract's up. i haven't signed that extension yet and i'm tired of dealing with all the crap here. so thank you, goodbye, and good luck keeping foreign teachers around.”
i didn't, though (and by the way, i would never speak to my director that way, even though i desperately wanted to last week). there were a few factors holding me back, one of the larger ones being that i had just bought a plane ticket home for may 31st and didn't feel like dealing with the hassle or the cost involved in switching it. but a smaller factor at the time (which probably should have been the biggest) is that i just don't feel like i'm done here yet. i don't know if i will be done when i leave in two and a half months or if that won't be the end of korea for me. but i do know that i've got to give this time the best shot i can. i have to enjoy it fully or i will regret it. and yeah, right now so much feels old and seen and explored that i'm having trouble finding the vitality in life. but there's still a lot to see and do here, a lot that i haven't experienced. and i won't spend my last two and a half months here wishing i could get on that flight home sooner.
all these thoughts and feelings of late have ultimately served to remind me of one hugely important thing: we always have a choice.
you know that quote from charles swindoll? the one that goes “i am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me, and 90% how i react to it”? well, that rings true no matter where on this earth you may find yourself. it's been the core of what i've learned and how i've grown here. and remembering that is how i'm going to not only survive these last ten weeks but make them a beautiful conclusion to this chapter of my life.
i have been through some of the toughest situations and some of the most intense emotions i've ever experienced here in korea. there have been times when i was so unsure, hurt, confused, or lonely that i had no idea how to take the next step. it's like this photo i took in thailand that's currently my desktop background—the photo was taken on the beach on new year's eve, and it's of this guy trying to double-dutch jump rope in flaming ropes, but it kind of looks like he's dancing around. i want to apply that to my thoughts on the next several weeks in that the best way to approach the fire is to dance right on through it. something may appear tough. sometimes you feel surrounded by flames. and you'll tell yourself it's going to be a struggle. if you let that be your sole mentality, then of course it's going to be be hard. if, though, you can learn to not only get through it but to enjoy the process...oh, it's so worth it.
at the end of this post are links to recent photos, but here are some things i'm looking forward to in the near future:
-getting OUTSIDE again when the weather warms up soon! this includes more hiking, more exploring the city, and more riding bike along the han river
-a bike tour of gyeongju during peak cherry blossom season on the first weekend in april
-possibly hitting up the seoul world dj festival again in may
-getting a week off of work mid-april to do nothing but relax and reenergize for my final month and a half in korea
-another city-wide scavenger hunt sometime in may
-finally doing the dmz tour
-giving my mom a HUGE hug when i see her on may 31st :)
thanks to everyone who's been emailing and facebooking me and commenting on photos and blogs...it makes me happy and makes me feel like this writing has got a bigger purpose than just being an online record of my thoughts. i apologize if i've been lax about replying to anyone; the last several weeks have kept me fairly stressed and left me with very little energy once i finally get home in the evenings. but please know i love and miss you all and i can't wait to see everyone in a few short months!
much love,
heather
link to photos from february:
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2012250&id=148800130&l=3e062a13d7
link to photos so far from march:
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2012276&id=148800130&l=bdd448fc51
-from “in the beginning” by knaan
these last few months are like a final exam in life for what i think i've learned in korea. last week it took everything in me to avoid yelling at someone and getting on the next plane out of here. between the hellish months of january and february, schedule changes at the beginning of this month, a new head teacher coming in and making unnecessary changes, and the fact that i've been teaching and living here for almost a year...i'm exhausted, i'm jaded, and i hate it.
which brings me to the feeling of taking this massive, real-life test for which i haven't had time to study. i just have to hope that i've absorbed all i need to know throughout the year. subject: how to do better than just survive in korea.
that feeling of being exhausted and jaded has been hard to deal with, and has been made especially hard by a look back at some of my posted writings and photos from when i first arrived. one thing i re-read was the first blog i wrote after arriving here. i titled it “first impressions” and i talked about everything from teaching to seoul to kimchi...ah, i was so excited to learn everything then! it was all new and there was so much to explore and experience. it wasn't all great for the first few months—far from it—but that was more than balanced out by the feeling of being alive that living in a brand-new place brings.
a week ago i had found that kind of feeling again, that feeling of being alive and of wanting to get the most out of my time here that i could. i wrote this in my journal:
“down to less than three months left now. what a weird feeling. it's been such a journey, too...where i was a year ago seems so distant that to be honest, i'm having trouble remembering it. i'm such a different person now than i was twelve months ago...the growth i've gone through is astounding in how much it's defined me. and it has not been a perfect year. far from it. but it's been a good year. a year that god, i needed. the great thing, too, is that i feel like i'm coming full circle, although it's like full circle with a twist. i'm arriving again at this point where i'm excited to see everything, do everything, experience everything...but this time around i've got the context in place already. i know from past experiences what it can should will feel like. i also feel a sense of urgency that wasn't there before, a feeling like there's not enough time to do it all.”
then i had a particularly bad week at school and i wanted to leave. i was feeling, to put it nicely, screwed over. by the school, the economy and the horrible exchange rate, and my own weaknesses. much of korea felt old and seen and explored and i was having trouble finding the vitality in life here. i could left, too. i could have said, “you know what, [director] sam, i'm just going to leave in april when my contract's up. i haven't signed that extension yet and i'm tired of dealing with all the crap here. so thank you, goodbye, and good luck keeping foreign teachers around.”
i didn't, though (and by the way, i would never speak to my director that way, even though i desperately wanted to last week). there were a few factors holding me back, one of the larger ones being that i had just bought a plane ticket home for may 31st and didn't feel like dealing with the hassle or the cost involved in switching it. but a smaller factor at the time (which probably should have been the biggest) is that i just don't feel like i'm done here yet. i don't know if i will be done when i leave in two and a half months or if that won't be the end of korea for me. but i do know that i've got to give this time the best shot i can. i have to enjoy it fully or i will regret it. and yeah, right now so much feels old and seen and explored that i'm having trouble finding the vitality in life. but there's still a lot to see and do here, a lot that i haven't experienced. and i won't spend my last two and a half months here wishing i could get on that flight home sooner.
all these thoughts and feelings of late have ultimately served to remind me of one hugely important thing: we always have a choice.
you know that quote from charles swindoll? the one that goes “i am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me, and 90% how i react to it”? well, that rings true no matter where on this earth you may find yourself. it's been the core of what i've learned and how i've grown here. and remembering that is how i'm going to not only survive these last ten weeks but make them a beautiful conclusion to this chapter of my life.
i have been through some of the toughest situations and some of the most intense emotions i've ever experienced here in korea. there have been times when i was so unsure, hurt, confused, or lonely that i had no idea how to take the next step. it's like this photo i took in thailand that's currently my desktop background—the photo was taken on the beach on new year's eve, and it's of this guy trying to double-dutch jump rope in flaming ropes, but it kind of looks like he's dancing around. i want to apply that to my thoughts on the next several weeks in that the best way to approach the fire is to dance right on through it. something may appear tough. sometimes you feel surrounded by flames. and you'll tell yourself it's going to be a struggle. if you let that be your sole mentality, then of course it's going to be be hard. if, though, you can learn to not only get through it but to enjoy the process...oh, it's so worth it.
at the end of this post are links to recent photos, but here are some things i'm looking forward to in the near future:
-getting OUTSIDE again when the weather warms up soon! this includes more hiking, more exploring the city, and more riding bike along the han river
-a bike tour of gyeongju during peak cherry blossom season on the first weekend in april
-possibly hitting up the seoul world dj festival again in may
-getting a week off of work mid-april to do nothing but relax and reenergize for my final month and a half in korea
-another city-wide scavenger hunt sometime in may
-finally doing the dmz tour
-giving my mom a HUGE hug when i see her on may 31st :)
thanks to everyone who's been emailing and facebooking me and commenting on photos and blogs...it makes me happy and makes me feel like this writing has got a bigger purpose than just being an online record of my thoughts. i apologize if i've been lax about replying to anyone; the last several weeks have kept me fairly stressed and left me with very little energy once i finally get home in the evenings. but please know i love and miss you all and i can't wait to see everyone in a few short months!
much love,
heather
link to photos from february:
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2012250&id=148800130&l=3e062a13d7
link to photos so far from march:
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2012276&id=148800130&l=bdd448fc51
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