i live here now

well hello everyone. i know it's been ages, and i'm sorry. the past six weeks have included vacation, extra summer classes, a bedbug infestation, a visitor, teacher transitions, apartment transitions, monthly tests, and progress reports. i am tired. but i've been doing well, and have done some good reflecting lately which i would like to share with you. that said, i had a wonderful, well-written update ready yesterday, but the neighbor's wireless went away before i could post it. between then and now, my battery died, shutting down the computer and sending my unpublished post into that black hole of tragically unsaved work. my fault for not plugging in the macbook before heading to school, i know. but still. anyway, here's my attempt to rewrite the original...

i wanted to go do something in the city on saturday afternoon and had a hard time deciding what to do. this was partly because i'm terrible at leaving my apartment at a decent time--not heading out until 3:30 when it takes at least 45 minutes to get anywhere doesn't leave much time for when you get there. but this was also partly because everything i want to do is still going to be there next weekend, and the weekend after that, and the weekend after that. et cetera. that sense of urgency which often comes with traveling, that feeling that i have to do everything i can before time runs out, is fading. and as it fades, something new yet familiar grows into its place--an understanding that i'm not just passing through. i'll be here as the seasons change, as birthdays and national holidays pass, as fashion trends shift (hopefully for the better, but i'm not holding my breath). i'm here indefinitely because i like it and it's good for me at this point in my life. there's still a bit of the sense that i am a visitor here, because this is not and never will be my home culture. but that rising feeling of understanding brings with it a contentment. a knowledge that while i'm here, i'm part of the fabric of this city. regardless of how little i feel like a real teacher some days (friends in the education profession, you would be shocked at what passes for a class here), i have a place in korea. it's with the rest of the english teachers who make up a miniature chunk of the population...we're all foreigners, but this place can become home to us just as much as it is to born-and-raised koreans.

i was looking back at my last post from over a month ago, and i see that things have both changed and stayed the same. i still almost die three times a week from motorcycles driving on the sidewalk, the ajumas (older korean women) still push me out of the way in the subway, there's still a load of useless paperwork at school, and the kindergartners still have crazy energy that i'm unable to match at 9:30 in the morning. but those things, which used to straight-up piss me off, are just a part of life now. and being able to say that something frustrating is "just a part of life" is really cool--it means i've made a life of which something can be a part. it sounds so simple, but it's true. and it's a huge thing to me, because when i wrote that last post i was completely unsure whether i'd ever find my place here. i mentioned that i believe your environment is a big influence on who you are, and i meant it in terms of your surroundings affecting and actually changing you. i'm seeing it more now in terms of your surroundings being what they are, showing you who you are, and leaving it up to you whether you let yourself be affected or not. it's about perspective just as much as it is influence. being here is showing me exactly who i am, in part by showing me who i don't want to be, and i love it. every day i learn more, whether it's about myself, the language, the culture, relationships, teaching, whatever. all of these feelings and realizations and learnings related to the fact that i live here now are pieces of a larger picture which is so cool to me. and that is that for the first time in my life, i truly feel that i am part of a bigger world. 

i can go abroad. i can be a wanderer, a vagabond, a traveler. but i can also move overseas and make somewhere completely foreign my home. that is a beautiful thing, and it's a privilege that came with the position into which i was born that i hope i never take for granted. who i am is so entwined with how i see and experience the world. this understanding that i am part of a bigger world gives me just as much perspective, makes me feel just as small, as sitting under a sky full of stars or on a mountaintop or next to the ocean does (which is great, because i don't get to be in those places very much in seoul). i'm constantly surrounded by a sea of people whose stories i will never know--how could i not feel small? and the fact that this culture is so similar to and yet so vastly different from my own gives me a new understanding of what it means for the world to possess such variety. the time i've spent in latin america was one thing, because the culture there is different from the u.s. on every level. but here it's so westernized yet simultaneously so asian, so korean, that i can't help but feel like i've touched a corner of the world that is both connected and remote. and not only have i touched it, but i've made it my home. 

i ended up by city hall on saturday, by the way. there's a huge grassy plaza there which is excellent for hanging out and observing life. so i picked a spot and watched the world go by for awhile before finding the nearby seoul museum of art (the equivalent of 70 cents u.s. currency got me into three floors of great exhibits). when i was done wandering in there, i got an iced tea and sat by a window in the museum cafe while the sun began to set over the buildings and mountains. it was a perfect summer afternoon in the city. 

as usual, i would like to end with some random notes:

1  jeju was amazing and i will be going back. you can check out the photos below for a look at our trip. one awesome thing that we unfortunately didn't discover until our last morning was that there were several olympic triathlon teams staying at our hotel; they were training on the island before heading to beijing. how did we discover this? we had breakfast with the manager of new zealand's triathlon team and he filled us in. turns out those european guys we had been avoiding all week were olympic athletes...oh well.

2  korean lessons are coming along quite nicely. i've been getting better with actual sentences and have recently learned the following (not-so-) useful phrases: "how do you get there?," "i saw 'dark knight' and it was very exciting," and "this fruit is the most delicious." 

miss you all lots! thanks for emails/messages/wall posts...i know i suck at replying sometimes but that does not mean i appreciate them any less :) hope this finds you all well and enjoying life.

chau, 

heather