breaking things

things get broken in our lives sometimes without our consent. bones, spirits, trust...the cause can be an accident, a relationship gone bad, or anything lying in a wide spectrum of circumstances beyond our control. there are also times when things break because we have made a conscious decision to risk it. we have put ourselves into situations to test our beliefs and perspectives or to challenge the strength within ourselves, and we find that things fall short of what we thought they were. we're not as whole, as solid, as we thought. but whether the breaking happens because we allowed it to or not, ultimately the healing of those breaks serves to make us stronger.

over the past nine months i've experienced much of the first two kinds. i've felt like my spirit's been broken by loneliness, my trust in people has been damaged by a failed friendship, i've discovered that my convictions weren't as strong as i liked to think, i've questioned almost everything about myself and not always come up with positive answers, parts of who i am have seemed lost.

i'll be honest...every one of those times sucked. some of the hardest things i've dealt with emotionally and mentally have happened during my time so far in korea.

but anytime anyone asks me how korea is, the first thing that i say is always, "i love it!" and this is because all that negative stuff, all those tough times and all that brokenness, they have been positives in the end. they've brought me to the point i am at now—a point at which i've come to understand the best kind of breaking: the kind which we do on our own terms. it can't happen until we've healed from past breaks and begun to recognize the strength we have. the way i see it, everyone has layers that must be removed before they see who they truly are, and sometimes it takes being broken down gradually to get to that person within. that's definitely been the case for me.

so now here i am, all these layers taken away by korea and the situations it's led me to and through, and i'm starting to see myself for the first time. or rather, who i truly want to be and how to work toward that point. ah, i'm on such a journey here! it's a journey whose destination i did not know when i set out but which is now suddenly so clear.

let me explain. i can break boards now, and not just one at a time. tonight i put my fist through three and my foot through two! you should have seen my reaction the first time i did it, about two weeks ago. i didn't stop smiling for at least an hour. here's the thing, though. it's not even hard. anyone can do it; you just have to know how.

and there's the secret: you just have to know how. not in a million years would i have thought i could break boards. i thought that that cool skill was reserved for black belts and other such martial-arts-y types. but as it turns out, it's quite simple. you learn the process, the technique, and the steps, and then you make sure you follow through.

that understanding has applied directly to other things in my life that i wish to change...habits, reactions, interactions. things that i don't like about myself whose patterns i can now, thanks to korea and taekwondo, break. things that don't need to heal to make me stronger because my strength grows in the breaking itself. all i have to do is work out how and then commit to following through. in the past, that would have felt like a huge easier-said-than-done task. but now...well, to understand what this realization feels like, know that i've never seen myself as an especially strong person. so to get to this point feels a little like i've finally been able to reject a not-so-great opinion i had of myself. in other words, it is the first break in a sequence of many that i look forward to initiating.


in two days i leave for a trip to my second and third countries in southeast asia, vietnam and thailand. this is the first christmas ever that i'll spend away from my family, and that's been hard. but skype is a lovely, useful invention—thanks to that, i was able to talk to everyone who was up visiting pennsylvania :) and i am very excited to travel...things i hope/plan to do include washing an elephant, bicycling around bangkok, relaxing in a hammock on the beach, go rock climbing over water, and eat lots of awesome cheap vietnamese and thai food. i will definitely have many photos to post when i get back! but for now, here's a link to december in pictures:
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2011190&l=6f921&id=148800130


i love and miss you all! have a wonderful christmas and enjoy ringing in 2009 :)

peace,
heather