i've now been here for over two months, and that feels weird to say. half of me thinks it can't have been that long already, and the other half of me wonders where the time has gone. one thing both halves can agree on, though, is that the time so far has been full of ups and downs. it's been a constant oscillation, a struggle to balance extremes in emotions and activities. this is definitely something i went through last year as well, but the awareness of it came quite a bit further into the year. and there is a deeper intensity now in addition to that difference. when i lived in seoul, i made a life for myself and then learned to be aware of what that meant. this time, i am aware that i am here and that i am learning, but i haven't yet been able to feel like this is my life. when i look back on these first two months, they're almost a blur. a whirlwind of interactionsolitudegoodtimescrappyfeelingscontrolsurrender. and it's a bit of a struggle to keep those all defined yet relate them to each other and to not try too hard to come up with some meaning. compounding everything is the fact that i'm doing this for the second time around. last time i experienced something, felt whatever it was in the moment, and went from there. but this time that process has an extra layer—the thoughts, memories, and emotions i already have from prior similar situations—that must be accounted for as well. i have been trying harder to take things as they come, to not expect or plan for them to go a certain way, and i think i've been doing well. however, perspective (and its subsequent actions) do not cancel out memories and emotions. it allows us to better handle those things, but it doesn't erase what's already happened. and i think that is why the up and down is more pronounced this time. all these memories and emotions that i associate with korea, in respect to every aspect of life here, they come to the surface when i'm encountering and dealing with and processing things this time. the trick is, as i wrote in my last post a month ago, to take strength and wisdom from what's past and apply that, not the memories and emotions themselves, to what i encounter from here on. one thing that's been on my mind a lot lately is something i struggled with in seoul, something to which i wasn't able to put a name besides “superficiality.” here in busan i thought it wasn't as pervasive, but i've realized both that it is and that there's a better way to define it is--as “temporary.” there is nowhere i have been that is like korea...i love it and i hate it, and it is this bubble in which we live without responsibility and true connections. the quantity of connections we make here is high, but they are brief and situational, context-caused, and 99% of them won't last after we leave this place. understanding that is one thing, but accepting it is another. it makes me wonder just how i am supposed to create a life here and make it count beyond the now. we have ways to deal with it, the lack of connection, while we're here—we go out and we hang out with whoever is around because they're there and they're something. and that's good. there are some great people here. but sometimes it seems like we're grasping at straws of action in hopes of latching onto something to feel, even if that something is just momentary enjoyment or happiness. yeah, we're here and we're having epic nights and days and making memories, but when it comes down to it, life means more than the stories we have to tell. those are important, they are what make our life relevant in the now. but as human beings we strive for and desire more than that. we need our minds and souls to be touched in a lasting way, and that's hard to do in a bubble of a world.
so how do i approach this truth of life in korea? i can be frustrated by what doesn't seem to fit me and what i can't change, or i can put away my frustration and see this for what it also is. and what it is is a unique opportunity to truly live in the moment and enjoy it as that--the now--and to rely on myself for, and find in myself, growth and depth. the former is admittedly something i know i have a hard time doing; i think too much to allow myself to really let go and just be. i've felt this to be true and struggled with it more in the last two months than ever. and it's taken me until now to see what's been right in front of me the whole time: that i am smack in the middle of a place that does in-the-moment better than anywhere else i've been. what am i waiting for?
a thank-you note:
dear korea,
once again you show me exactly what i need to learn, and teach me. much appreciated. one of these days i'll stop being surprised when you do that.
your friend,
heather
life here still going to be a balancing act, yes. it always will be. there must be an equilibrium reached between living in the moment and processing what the moments mean. but finding that balance is something i look forward to with the understanding that even though it might take awhile and i may not know what it will look like, joy will lie in the process of discovery. that's because living abroad at its very core is a constant discovery of contradictions, strange feelings, and a deep undercurrent of feeling truly alive. sacrifice and reward are found lying somewhere between all the things we'll never understand and the beautiful brand-newness of unfamiliarity. milestones pass differently than we thought they would, but we love every minute of it. we discard old plans in favor of others we never unexpected and we couldn't be more sure of the decision to do so.
some highlights and hilarity from the past several weeks:-asking one of my afternoon students "how are you today?" every class, and every time having her respond with "it's sunny today!"-attempting a milk-carton gingerbread house project with kindy and having the director provide only chips and round cookies to decorate with. -asking for information about a gyno in the area and ending up on a group trip to the nearest one (who didn't speak any english) with all three of my korean co-teachers. talk about awkward.
-spending christmas day drinking makkoli and decorating a tiny fake tree to garish perfection with 10 foreigners, a korean family, and a bus driver.
-falling asleep on the wrong bus home new year's morning after staying up all night with plans of watching the sun come up on the easternmost beach in busan.
-standing on a mountain top in gangwon-do, skis strapped to my feet, looking out over an incredible view and wondering how i could be so lucky to live the life that i do.
links to my photos from the past several weeks (there are a lot, sorry):
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2015273&id=148800130&l=4c72f5c6de
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2015404&id=148800130&l=44ebe47c3a
http://www.facebook.com/home.php?#/album.php?aid=2015570&id=148800130&op=6
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2015648&id=148800130&l=743d4c2af4
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2015644&id=148800130&l=f5d513b290
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2015865&id=148800130&l=620b680e3a
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2015868&id=148800130&l=cc75a82c37
it's a new year, and i'm glad to be here. the past two years have held more than i ever could have dreamed, and i imagine that the next twelve months will be more of the same. i look forward to whatever may come my way. to those of you in korea--may our crazy and fantastic lives continue to be so. to those of you in the states--may this year bring exactly what you need it to be. to those of you anywhere in between--enjoy the journey, wherever it takes you. happy holidays and i wish the best to everyone :)
love,
heather
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