I knew my reality was clearly defined
By the fences put up around my mind
I watched them thicken into walls over time
Taller than any borderline
-from a song by Brett Dennen
Drink up baby doll
Are you in or are you out?
Leave your things behind
'Cause it's all going off without you
Excuse me, too busy, you're writing your tragedy
These mishaps you bubble-wrap
When you've no idea what you're like
So, let go, let go
Jump in
Oh well, what you waiting for?
-from a song by Frou Frou
I've been thinking about so much in the past couple days...it's been a particularly frustrating week in terms of things at school, what my life looks like here, the choices I make, and how those things affect my perspective. And all these thoughts have got me questioning nearly everything at the moment...what am I really doing here, am I supposed to be here, can I stick this out for however long I'm meant to? I know the short answers to these questions—sorting things out, learning more about myself and where I want to go in life; yes, even though it doesn't always feel like it, this is where I'm supposed to be right now; yes, but it's going to be hard sometimes and in those moments I'll probably question the intelligence of my decision to come back here; respectively.
But the certainty and positivity I felt in my first few weeks here have dwindled down until they've become nearly non-existent.
Last time everything was brand-new and unexpected and brilliant and what I encountered was through no choice of my own. I didn't get to divert anything uncomfortable away from me, and it was a growing experience because of that, because of how I had to deal with everything as it hit me in the face. But this time I am wanting a deeper experience, wanting the long answers, wanting to really get into it and do what I came here to do. And for some reason I thought those desires would be satisfied by having specific direction on what I'm to learn, by more thoroughly understanding things and doing so on a more immediate basis. I don't know why I thought that, though, because if there's one thing I've learned over the past year or two it's that I will almost never know the answers right away.
The irony in all of this is that the frustration is building up fences in my mind about every tough situation in which I find myself, and preventing me from jumping in to explore the depth and growth that I know lie within those situations. I am my own worst enemy right now, I am fighting myself and losing, I am the only one standing in my way. The longer I wait to make a change, the taller those walls will get and the more scary it will be to take them down and make myself vulnerable to life here. The difficulty, I think, is that I want to be vulnerable and open to whatever comes, but to do so with the strength and wisdom I didn't have last time around. And there's a disconnect there for me; I don't know what the combination of those things looks like.
Earlier tonight I found some notes I had posted on Facebook about two years ago and re-read them to find that the words I wrote back then were still relevant to me, still descriptive of how I've been feeling and what I've been going through lately. I found myself in similar positions and wanting similar things then and now. It saddens me somewhat to see that I'm still working to learn the same old lessons, but I suppose it also reminds me that life is a continuous, fluid thing. We are constantly learning and relearning and will keep on with that until we get it. And we need to remember to embrace the process and live the journey.
There's this old quarry we used to go to in the summer in Virginia—they'd filled it in with water that was a beautiful deep turquoise color and deeper than we could know. The best way to experience it was to jump off the cliffs that edged one long side of the water, and you had to climb about 30 feet up to get to the jumping point. It was a slightly scary climb; there were a few narrow points and if you slipped and fell you'd hit some rocks on the way down. And once you got to the top, it might take a little while to gather the courage to jump. But when you jumped, oh man. The few slow-motion seconds of freefall followed by the quick rush of liquid all around you as you landed in the water...incredible. You wanted to swim around for a bit then get out and climb back up right away for more. I feel like that's an appropriate analogy for my life here right now...the best way to live the journey is to jump in. And I can see the water and I know how great it's going to feel to freefall and enter the unknown depths. But first I've got to conquer my fears and make myself step off the edge.
Like I said, it's been a rough little while, and it's not going to be easy to take the steps that I know I need to take. But I came here to take on the difficult and uncomfortable and to explore new depths, in whatever form that may be. I began to build these walls in my mind, but they aren't indestructible. What waits on the other side is frightening in its unknown-ness but exciting in its possibility. And the motivation to get past the walls to what I know waits on the other side is right here waiting for me to take it, just as soon as I decide to take that step off the edge.
As always, I hope this finds you all well and happy. I don't have any new photos to post, but I will within the next few weeks as I explore more of Busan before it gets too cold to leave my apartment.
Annyeong,
Heather
22 November 2009
02 November 2009
(re-)beginning
I've watched the sun set over the 다대포 (Dadaepo) beach a few times now (the beach is a ten-minute walk from my house—how cool is that?), and each time I've had this moment in which I realized that no one, at that point in time, knew exactly where I was. And that no one around me knew who I was. This, while sitting on a beach in front of the open sea under a huge sunsetting sky...it made the world seem big around me again. It's so important to me that I'm able to feel small. Not that I enjoy feeling insignificant; no, it's that I need doses of perspective like that every so often. I think that is because it reminds me that there is so, so much more left out there to be explored and discovered and learned, and to impress upon me the importance of continuing to strive for more. Not more things, but more meaning, more connection, more happiness, more understanding, more enjoyment, more passion, more life.
And I'm beginning to think that perhaps this is what I'm meant to learn here. That striving, and how to do so when I am very much going to be responsible for creating my own life here. I feel like it's going to be quite lonely for a while, if not for the majority or all of my time here. I don't see myself developing really close friends, not a good group of the kind of people with whom I want to surround myself. I'll have a few cool people to hang out with, yes, but not a close circle of truly good friends. 다대포 just isn't home to enough people with whom I can connect for the probability of that happening to be very high. And maybe I'll be proven wrong; it's happened before :) But if I'm not...well, isn't that what I came here for? To be on my own and to learn how to better do that? I think I thought that I'd be more surrounded by people and that I'd have to make a conscious effort to spend time by myself doing what really helps me grow, whatever that may look like. Instead, my surroundings have forced me into solitude, and the conscious effort I need to make is to value this solitude and use it in the best way possible.
There is not a doubt in my mind that I've ended up exactly where I need to be. To go from living in Jamsil in Seoul, where everything was busy all the time and there were plenty of foreigners around, to living in Dadaepo in Busan, where life moves a bit slower and I am the only foreigner within a ten-mile radius, has been interesting. I don't think living in this area would be for everyone, but it feels perfect to me. There were times in Seoul when I felt so out of place, so much like I didn't fit and never would even though it had become my home. But here, it's different. It will take a bit of time to become home, and I still won't ever quite belong, but it already feels right. In those moments on the beach, I've also felt extremely lucky, so incredibly blessed to be here and to have been able to come to this country that continually teaches me so much not once, but twice, and to have learned the awareness that makes being here so incredible. I am so very grateful that I can do this because of how important it is to me to keep journeying. I mean that in a physical/literal sense and in a figurative sense, and Korea really does allow me to do both.
Some people might think that I could have had the same experience in a different country. That thought has crossed my mind as well, more than once. But every time it has, I've immediately pushed it away because I know that's not true. It was always going to be Korea, even before I knew it, even when I had my doubts and frustrations, even though it still sounds a bit strange even now...this was always where I was supposed to be.
That same anticipation that I had before coming is still with me. I'm still so curious to see what this year will bring. I feel like I've been here much longer than twelve days, in part because being here has felt like I've come home in a sense. It's not so much a continuation of what I've known in Korea before—although that's part of it—but more like a reawakening to something warm and familiar. The setting is different but the feelings are the same, and I have missed being here.
Some moments, both good and bad but definitely memorable, from so far:
-Attempting conversation in Korean with the ajummas who sit on the curb near my apartment (and mostly failing)
-Returning home at midnight from hanging out with Carly and discovering that my washer had drained into my apartment instead of outside, soaking everything (including my bed because it's on the floor)...and subsequently walking half an hour to sleep for four hours in a noisy jimjilbang
-Walking into our school's lobby for the Halloween party to find that they'd decorated with pink “It's A Girl!” balloons
-Looking for two students I'd sent to the bathroom to see them running around the bathroom, soap on the floor and faucet turned on full blast
-Adjusting the wall-mounted flat screen TV in my apartment for just the second time and watching in horror as it fell off the wall (luckily I managed to half-catch it so it didn't land on my laptop)...turns out they had just mounted it into the drywall instead of finding studs
I am still waiting to get internet in my apartment, but I spent roughly four hours in Dunkin Donuts (pretty sure they hate me for sitting there so long stealing their slow wireless) so that you lovely people can see my adventures via photos. The links to albums chronicling my journey over here and the first few weeks are below. Enjoy! I hope that this finds you all well, and thanks for all your thoughts and prayers during my journey over here!
Love,
Heather
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2015172&id=148800130&l=bdd8d08300
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2015186&id=148800130&l=93c1861252
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2015188&id=148800130&l=4852b47497
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2015187&id=148800130&l=6612e10c26
And I'm beginning to think that perhaps this is what I'm meant to learn here. That striving, and how to do so when I am very much going to be responsible for creating my own life here. I feel like it's going to be quite lonely for a while, if not for the majority or all of my time here. I don't see myself developing really close friends, not a good group of the kind of people with whom I want to surround myself. I'll have a few cool people to hang out with, yes, but not a close circle of truly good friends. 다대포 just isn't home to enough people with whom I can connect for the probability of that happening to be very high. And maybe I'll be proven wrong; it's happened before :) But if I'm not...well, isn't that what I came here for? To be on my own and to learn how to better do that? I think I thought that I'd be more surrounded by people and that I'd have to make a conscious effort to spend time by myself doing what really helps me grow, whatever that may look like. Instead, my surroundings have forced me into solitude, and the conscious effort I need to make is to value this solitude and use it in the best way possible.
There is not a doubt in my mind that I've ended up exactly where I need to be. To go from living in Jamsil in Seoul, where everything was busy all the time and there were plenty of foreigners around, to living in Dadaepo in Busan, where life moves a bit slower and I am the only foreigner within a ten-mile radius, has been interesting. I don't think living in this area would be for everyone, but it feels perfect to me. There were times in Seoul when I felt so out of place, so much like I didn't fit and never would even though it had become my home. But here, it's different. It will take a bit of time to become home, and I still won't ever quite belong, but it already feels right. In those moments on the beach, I've also felt extremely lucky, so incredibly blessed to be here and to have been able to come to this country that continually teaches me so much not once, but twice, and to have learned the awareness that makes being here so incredible. I am so very grateful that I can do this because of how important it is to me to keep journeying. I mean that in a physical/literal sense and in a figurative sense, and Korea really does allow me to do both.
Some people might think that I could have had the same experience in a different country. That thought has crossed my mind as well, more than once. But every time it has, I've immediately pushed it away because I know that's not true. It was always going to be Korea, even before I knew it, even when I had my doubts and frustrations, even though it still sounds a bit strange even now...this was always where I was supposed to be.
That same anticipation that I had before coming is still with me. I'm still so curious to see what this year will bring. I feel like I've been here much longer than twelve days, in part because being here has felt like I've come home in a sense. It's not so much a continuation of what I've known in Korea before—although that's part of it—but more like a reawakening to something warm and familiar. The setting is different but the feelings are the same, and I have missed being here.
Some moments, both good and bad but definitely memorable, from so far:
-Attempting conversation in Korean with the ajummas who sit on the curb near my apartment (and mostly failing)
-Returning home at midnight from hanging out with Carly and discovering that my washer had drained into my apartment instead of outside, soaking everything (including my bed because it's on the floor)...and subsequently walking half an hour to sleep for four hours in a noisy jimjilbang
-Walking into our school's lobby for the Halloween party to find that they'd decorated with pink “It's A Girl!” balloons
-Looking for two students I'd sent to the bathroom to see them running around the bathroom, soap on the floor and faucet turned on full blast
-Adjusting the wall-mounted flat screen TV in my apartment for just the second time and watching in horror as it fell off the wall (luckily I managed to half-catch it so it didn't land on my laptop)...turns out they had just mounted it into the drywall instead of finding studs
I am still waiting to get internet in my apartment, but I spent roughly four hours in Dunkin Donuts (pretty sure they hate me for sitting there so long stealing their slow wireless) so that you lovely people can see my adventures via photos. The links to albums chronicling my journey over here and the first few weeks are below. Enjoy! I hope that this finds you all well, and thanks for all your thoughts and prayers during my journey over here!
Love,
Heather
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2015172&id=148800130&l=bdd8d08300
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2015186&id=148800130&l=93c1861252
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2015188&id=148800130&l=4852b47497
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2015187&id=148800130&l=6612e10c26
15 October 2009
twists and turns
six words i never thought i'd say:
i am going back to korea.
first of all, because korea is not a place i ever thought i'd end up, let alone somewhere that's become a big part of who i am. and second of all, to be returning? what? i'm twenty-four years old and i've been out of college for over two years; i'm pretty sure that back when i was fourteen i thought i'd be married with a kid or two by now. the twists and turns life takes...
there's been a change in the air recently. the temperature has dropped a bit and the glorious crispness that signifies the start of fall has arrived. it's a fitting change given the past few weeks, a change that extends beyond my surroundings deep into my body and soul. and i find myself restless in anticipation of what is coming next.
let me explain. the last several weeks have held more emotion and thought than i've experienced in some time, all initially undesired but ultimately essential, and the timing of it all couldn't be more perfect. interactions with people and places that have been fairly absent from my life were not the easy return that i had expected, and the process for returning to korea didn't go according to how i thought it would. those things threw me for a loop; it was such a good loop, though, because it opened the door to things i didn't realize i had yet to process. things i had forgotten. things that i needed to work through before heading back to korea.
to process:
expectations, of the unrealistic and unfair variety, and how they affect relationships. when i came back from korea, i expected everyone to fit into the expectations i've built for myself, and that led to a disappointment that seemed poised to impact several of my relationships with old friends. but thanks to a good book by don miguel ruiz and some good conversations with my friend alex, i realized that it should never be about what i expect of people. there are no conditions in friendship, no need for someone to fit within a mold in order for me to value the interactions i have with them.
to remember:
that no matter what comes up, i can continue to use what's around me as motivation to grow. as i came home in june, i forgot how much of a hand our surroundings have in motivating us. looking back i can see clearly the difference in how motivated i was to grow and learn and challenge myself between when i lived in harrisonburg and when i moved to korea--in the former, i was settled in a place where all was known, where i had lived for years; in the latter, i abruptly entered a brand new world. and when i returned to pennsylvania, it was more of the similar and familiar. where did i grow the most? in the context in which i felt most alive, most aware of what surrounded me. the secret is in the stimuli. a simple enough understanding, but one that requires continued awareness to be useful.
to work through:
what having expectations means for life, in both positive and negative ways. the first time i went to korea, i had none. there was nothing i expected of going besides for it to be a cool new adventure in a place that was literally about as far from harrisonburg as i could get. i knew nothing of the culture, really, nor of the society or people. and i grew and changed so much because of that. this time around, i have reasons for going: things that i want to work on, questions i want answered, ways i want to test myself. and while it feels great to have all that in mind as i go, i need to be aware that what i want won't necessarily be what i get. there is a distinct possibility that korea, with its great talent for surprising me, will throw much of that out the window in favor of teaching me something completely different. it already did in the time it's made me wait before going. if nothing else, these past three weeks spent waiting, wishing, hoping for my visa to just get here already, have taught me a nice little lesson about trying to be in control of what i can't be. about expecting what i can't necessarily plan on having happen.
and realizing that, along with everything else, is what gives me this beautiful sense that i need to pay attention because what is coming next is going to be both good and important. i have spent the past four and a half months alternately wandering around seeing people and places and relaxing at my parents' house, but it's all been leading up to this moment. this small instant in time in which i take my next step before i leap into what will follow. and i can't begin to tell you what it will look like, only that it will be exactly what i didn't realize i needed.
so here's to another time of adventure, growth, and the great unknown! to my friends and family in the states, i thank you for the past couple of months and how great you've all made them; to my chingus in korea, i look forward to making more good memories in the months ahead. and, to everyone, i hope that your life is as fulfilling as mine has been and continues to be.
love,
heather
ps here are links to my photos from my wanderings during summer/early fall for those not on facebook...
june:
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2013693&id=148800130&l=3384de6203
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2013899&id=148800130&l=20950c7ed9
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2013911&id=148800130&l=3bde37d674
july:
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2014217&id=148800130&l=829937178b
august:
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2014355&id=148800130&l=ae28a6e06a
september:
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2014518&id=148800130&l=b754b812a6
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2014721&id=148800130&l=730f0e5e34
i am going back to korea.
first of all, because korea is not a place i ever thought i'd end up, let alone somewhere that's become a big part of who i am. and second of all, to be returning? what? i'm twenty-four years old and i've been out of college for over two years; i'm pretty sure that back when i was fourteen i thought i'd be married with a kid or two by now. the twists and turns life takes...
there's been a change in the air recently. the temperature has dropped a bit and the glorious crispness that signifies the start of fall has arrived. it's a fitting change given the past few weeks, a change that extends beyond my surroundings deep into my body and soul. and i find myself restless in anticipation of what is coming next.
let me explain. the last several weeks have held more emotion and thought than i've experienced in some time, all initially undesired but ultimately essential, and the timing of it all couldn't be more perfect. interactions with people and places that have been fairly absent from my life were not the easy return that i had expected, and the process for returning to korea didn't go according to how i thought it would. those things threw me for a loop; it was such a good loop, though, because it opened the door to things i didn't realize i had yet to process. things i had forgotten. things that i needed to work through before heading back to korea.
to process:
expectations, of the unrealistic and unfair variety, and how they affect relationships. when i came back from korea, i expected everyone to fit into the expectations i've built for myself, and that led to a disappointment that seemed poised to impact several of my relationships with old friends. but thanks to a good book by don miguel ruiz and some good conversations with my friend alex, i realized that it should never be about what i expect of people. there are no conditions in friendship, no need for someone to fit within a mold in order for me to value the interactions i have with them.
to remember:
that no matter what comes up, i can continue to use what's around me as motivation to grow. as i came home in june, i forgot how much of a hand our surroundings have in motivating us. looking back i can see clearly the difference in how motivated i was to grow and learn and challenge myself between when i lived in harrisonburg and when i moved to korea--in the former, i was settled in a place where all was known, where i had lived for years; in the latter, i abruptly entered a brand new world. and when i returned to pennsylvania, it was more of the similar and familiar. where did i grow the most? in the context in which i felt most alive, most aware of what surrounded me. the secret is in the stimuli. a simple enough understanding, but one that requires continued awareness to be useful.
to work through:
what having expectations means for life, in both positive and negative ways. the first time i went to korea, i had none. there was nothing i expected of going besides for it to be a cool new adventure in a place that was literally about as far from harrisonburg as i could get. i knew nothing of the culture, really, nor of the society or people. and i grew and changed so much because of that. this time around, i have reasons for going: things that i want to work on, questions i want answered, ways i want to test myself. and while it feels great to have all that in mind as i go, i need to be aware that what i want won't necessarily be what i get. there is a distinct possibility that korea, with its great talent for surprising me, will throw much of that out the window in favor of teaching me something completely different. it already did in the time it's made me wait before going. if nothing else, these past three weeks spent waiting, wishing, hoping for my visa to just get here already, have taught me a nice little lesson about trying to be in control of what i can't be. about expecting what i can't necessarily plan on having happen.
and realizing that, along with everything else, is what gives me this beautiful sense that i need to pay attention because what is coming next is going to be both good and important. i have spent the past four and a half months alternately wandering around seeing people and places and relaxing at my parents' house, but it's all been leading up to this moment. this small instant in time in which i take my next step before i leap into what will follow. and i can't begin to tell you what it will look like, only that it will be exactly what i didn't realize i needed.
so here's to another time of adventure, growth, and the great unknown! to my friends and family in the states, i thank you for the past couple of months and how great you've all made them; to my chingus in korea, i look forward to making more good memories in the months ahead. and, to everyone, i hope that your life is as fulfilling as mine has been and continues to be.
love,
heather
ps here are links to my photos from my wanderings during summer/early fall for those not on facebook...
june:
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2013693&id=148800130&l=3384de6203
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2013899&id=148800130&l=20950c7ed9
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2013911&id=148800130&l=3bde37d674
july:
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2014217&id=148800130&l=829937178b
august:
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2014355&id=148800130&l=ae28a6e06a
september:
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2014518&id=148800130&l=b754b812a6
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2014721&id=148800130&l=730f0e5e34
30 June 2009
if i could see the future
tomorrow i will return to the states for the second time in a month. this time, though, the uncertainty seems more ominous.
not knowing what lies ahead is unnerving. but i think, reflecting on my experience with korea and all the unknowns there, i'm more inclined to be open to whatever comes along. when i returned from korea at the end of may, i knew i was leaving for panama shortly and the decisions i need to make come august felt pretty far away. but now they're staring me in the face. i've tried to choose a direction ahead of time, yet each time i did so, something would come up that made me rethink it. so now i'm going to make good on my initial choice to explore the different areas through which i'll be passing and the opportunities that may be there. the only conditions i have for where i end up are that i find some good friends and that i am happy.
there are very few decisions in my life that have come about through me truly wanting something and going for it. they mainly resulted from an unhappiness with where i was coinciding with an opportunity to try something new. not a bad way to go about things, as each time has ended up being exactly where i needed to be, but it's time to change that process. to be open to what may come, yes, but also to be active in the path my life takes.
i don't know what in particular in the past has caused me to be so passive. maybe i truly haven't known what i wanted; i'm sure that's been part of it. but i think another part of me has been afraid that if i want something, go after it, and get it, i won't quite know what to do next. that's a fear i need to conquer. seems big and scary, but when i look back on all that i conquered in korea, it looks much smaller.
tomorrow we leave panama. we're coming back a few days early to better eradicate whatever bug infestation i picked up, and it will be nice to have some extra time before heading off to chicago/h'burg/dc/south carolina/north carolina for the next couple weeks. this trip has been good for me, both to get back into a culture that i love and to remind me of the importance of having a home base. wherever i settle in the fall, although it may not be perfect, will at least be my home and will be where i have decided to be. and that is a nice feeling.
hasta pronto,
heather
not knowing what lies ahead is unnerving. but i think, reflecting on my experience with korea and all the unknowns there, i'm more inclined to be open to whatever comes along. when i returned from korea at the end of may, i knew i was leaving for panama shortly and the decisions i need to make come august felt pretty far away. but now they're staring me in the face. i've tried to choose a direction ahead of time, yet each time i did so, something would come up that made me rethink it. so now i'm going to make good on my initial choice to explore the different areas through which i'll be passing and the opportunities that may be there. the only conditions i have for where i end up are that i find some good friends and that i am happy.
there are very few decisions in my life that have come about through me truly wanting something and going for it. they mainly resulted from an unhappiness with where i was coinciding with an opportunity to try something new. not a bad way to go about things, as each time has ended up being exactly where i needed to be, but it's time to change that process. to be open to what may come, yes, but also to be active in the path my life takes.
i don't know what in particular in the past has caused me to be so passive. maybe i truly haven't known what i wanted; i'm sure that's been part of it. but i think another part of me has been afraid that if i want something, go after it, and get it, i won't quite know what to do next. that's a fear i need to conquer. seems big and scary, but when i look back on all that i conquered in korea, it looks much smaller.
tomorrow we leave panama. we're coming back a few days early to better eradicate whatever bug infestation i picked up, and it will be nice to have some extra time before heading off to chicago/h'burg/dc/south carolina/north carolina for the next couple weeks. this trip has been good for me, both to get back into a culture that i love and to remind me of the importance of having a home base. wherever i settle in the fall, although it may not be perfect, will at least be my home and will be where i have decided to be. and that is a nice feeling.
hasta pronto,
heather
26 June 2009
bugbites at the beach
i can't stop itching. it's really driving me nuts. i am so happy to be in panama and wish i felt like doing all the cool stuff there is to do. but the reality is that i am literally covered in bites or bumps of some kind that have been increasing in number daily and that two pharmacists so far have failed to help with. the third thinks i may be allergic to something that bit me, and i really, really hope he's right (and that this medicine actually works). i'm so bummed about this and i especially hate that it makes me want to leave early. who wants to leave vacation in panama to go home early?
sick people, i guess.
we've seen and done some pretty awesome things here: watched a ship go through the miraflores locks on the panama canal, ziplined through the cloud forest outside of boquete, rode a bus over the continental divide through some of the most beautiful scenery i've ever seen...i definitely don't want to leave. yet underlying all the great things is this annoyance that won't go away. every night i wake up itching and every morning i wake up with more bites. fixing whatever this is would be one thing if i was in the states, with access to a doctor who spoke my language, and in one place for more than a day or two. when you're traveling, though, it's nearly impossible.
there's this quote that goes, "every journey has a secret destination of which the traveler is unaware." i love it because it attests to part of the reason i'm drawn to traveling: the unknown, the mysterious, the understanding that no matter what, there's going to be something that comes up that you can't control. that last one so far has been limited to crazy taxi drivers and shady hostels in foreign cities. but this time it's different. it's testing me. part of what i've been learning here is how to move with the flow of things, to adjust to what comes along. another part is (re)learning myself, what i can and cannot take, what i do and do not want. as silly as it may sound, these bumps and bites all over my legs and arms and neck are probably the best test there could be. it's teaching me to control my emotions and reactions and to deal with things in the best way for myself and those around me, whatever that all may look like. and, that i'll probably never be able to live in the jungle. ah, well.
today we left the beautiful fortuna cloud forest and bussed, walked, and water-taxied our way to isla colón in bocas del toro, on the caribbean coast of panamá. tomorrow we are taking a tour of four different islands here in the archipelago that will include swimming with dolphins and snorkeling. i am super excited and will be sure to take some lovely photos to share with everyone!
hope you all are enjoying your summer and are staying cool :)
chau,
heather
sick people, i guess.
we've seen and done some pretty awesome things here: watched a ship go through the miraflores locks on the panama canal, ziplined through the cloud forest outside of boquete, rode a bus over the continental divide through some of the most beautiful scenery i've ever seen...i definitely don't want to leave. yet underlying all the great things is this annoyance that won't go away. every night i wake up itching and every morning i wake up with more bites. fixing whatever this is would be one thing if i was in the states, with access to a doctor who spoke my language, and in one place for more than a day or two. when you're traveling, though, it's nearly impossible.
there's this quote that goes, "every journey has a secret destination of which the traveler is unaware." i love it because it attests to part of the reason i'm drawn to traveling: the unknown, the mysterious, the understanding that no matter what, there's going to be something that comes up that you can't control. that last one so far has been limited to crazy taxi drivers and shady hostels in foreign cities. but this time it's different. it's testing me. part of what i've been learning here is how to move with the flow of things, to adjust to what comes along. another part is (re)learning myself, what i can and cannot take, what i do and do not want. as silly as it may sound, these bumps and bites all over my legs and arms and neck are probably the best test there could be. it's teaching me to control my emotions and reactions and to deal with things in the best way for myself and those around me, whatever that all may look like. and, that i'll probably never be able to live in the jungle. ah, well.
today we left the beautiful fortuna cloud forest and bussed, walked, and water-taxied our way to isla colón in bocas del toro, on the caribbean coast of panamá. tomorrow we are taking a tour of four different islands here in the archipelago that will include swimming with dolphins and snorkeling. i am super excited and will be sure to take some lovely photos to share with everyone!
hope you all are enjoying your summer and are staying cool :)
chau,
heather
20 June 2009
volviendo (returning)
i'm in panama. and it's really good.
good in the way korea was, good in a way that, until i got back to the states a few weeks ago, i had forgotten i needed. good in the way that challenges what i think and what i feel and that makes me wonder if i can ever live without encountering new places every so often.
my last five months in korea very nearly destroyed all the growth that i experienced within myself up until that turning point in january. and when i got home to find everything the same, that just about finished the job.
i changed a lot in korea. especially in my first nine months there. and it was all so good. then i returned home after five months of stress and tension and emotion to a context that i had always known but which had never particularly challenged me and forced me to grow. and i slid back toward who i had been before korea changed all of that.
it's always taken me a little longer to learn things than it probably should. even on the other side of the world, where i was forced to learn fast if i wanted to not only survive there but thrive, that was still the case to an extent.
and now i find myself back there again. the trouble, i'm coming to realize, lies in my difficulty in remaining consistent despite the changing of context.
my few days in panama thus far have not been bad; in fact, they've been quite nice. but they've also been disappointing in a sense. this is in part because i've not been feeling so well, but also in part because i've been a bit down since coming home from korea. i had high expectations for this trip being amazing, and because of how i've been feeling mentally and physically things haven't quite measured up.
there is no doubt in my mind that it was time to leave korea when i did, but i didn't know (and still don't) where i am to go from here. i've been learning a lot about determining what i want and going after it, and i hope that within the next few months i am fully able to do that. for now, though, i really want to move forward while letting this time in panama be what it can be and needs to be for me. to move fluidly with the days and the culture around me, and to return to that state of peaceful contentment with who and where i am that i've lost in recent months.
what i've seen of panama so far is a beauty that lies in that kind of contentment. this is a place that, unlike korea, knows itself in all its good and bad aspects and doesn't feel a need or desire to change that. it is a place that feels balanced, a place i can learn from, and a breath of fresh air after korea.
i'm enjoying the feel of spanish rolling off my tongue, the sound of rain falling outside, the sway of a hammock and the breeze on a hot day...this is where i'm supposed to be right now and it is good.
hasta luego...
good in the way korea was, good in a way that, until i got back to the states a few weeks ago, i had forgotten i needed. good in the way that challenges what i think and what i feel and that makes me wonder if i can ever live without encountering new places every so often.
my last five months in korea very nearly destroyed all the growth that i experienced within myself up until that turning point in january. and when i got home to find everything the same, that just about finished the job.
i changed a lot in korea. especially in my first nine months there. and it was all so good. then i returned home after five months of stress and tension and emotion to a context that i had always known but which had never particularly challenged me and forced me to grow. and i slid back toward who i had been before korea changed all of that.
it's always taken me a little longer to learn things than it probably should. even on the other side of the world, where i was forced to learn fast if i wanted to not only survive there but thrive, that was still the case to an extent.
and now i find myself back there again. the trouble, i'm coming to realize, lies in my difficulty in remaining consistent despite the changing of context.
my few days in panama thus far have not been bad; in fact, they've been quite nice. but they've also been disappointing in a sense. this is in part because i've not been feeling so well, but also in part because i've been a bit down since coming home from korea. i had high expectations for this trip being amazing, and because of how i've been feeling mentally and physically things haven't quite measured up.
there is no doubt in my mind that it was time to leave korea when i did, but i didn't know (and still don't) where i am to go from here. i've been learning a lot about determining what i want and going after it, and i hope that within the next few months i am fully able to do that. for now, though, i really want to move forward while letting this time in panama be what it can be and needs to be for me. to move fluidly with the days and the culture around me, and to return to that state of peaceful contentment with who and where i am that i've lost in recent months.
what i've seen of panama so far is a beauty that lies in that kind of contentment. this is a place that, unlike korea, knows itself in all its good and bad aspects and doesn't feel a need or desire to change that. it is a place that feels balanced, a place i can learn from, and a breath of fresh air after korea.
i'm enjoying the feel of spanish rolling off my tongue, the sound of rain falling outside, the sway of a hammock and the breeze on a hot day...this is where i'm supposed to be right now and it is good.
hasta luego...
31 May 2009
walk on
there are times in our life which define us. redefine us. take who we think we are or who we think we want to be and blow it to pieces. korea, down to the very core of it all, is each of those for me. i leave this place more sure than i've ever been and the most uncertain i think i'll ever be. i leave this place with feelings of joy and frustration fighting inside me, broken down and built up, a chaotic traffic jam of emotions all laying on their horns at once.
the negativity i've encountered in these last few weeks (in my own thoughts as well as the actions of other people) has been competing with all the good memories i've made in an attempt to leave me with a less-than-shining last impression of korea. this final month has been anything but what i expected. but then, that is exactly what korea has been all along. even when i had no expectations it has managed to shatter them. that has been both positive and negative, but in the end it has all come to mean more to me than i ever thought it could, and i wouldn't trade this chapter in my life for anything.
that said, i know i've got a ridiculous amount of processing to do over the next several months, wherever i may end up. i don't know exactly how i'll go about it or what it might look like, but i do know that it, along with a lot of unknown, will be waiting for me when i land in new york tomorrow afternoon.
i've realized over the past few days as i've been seeing people before i leave and hanging out with both koreans and foreigners, that talking to others is one of the most helpful parts of sorting through a year's worth of thoughts, emotions, and memories. it doesn't matter if they understand me because they've been through it or if they've got no clue what it's like; rather, that variety of perspectives is both welcome and necessary. however, what does make a difference is the questions asked. i've been thinking about culture shock lately as i prepare to go back, and one big part of that is usually the question “hey, how was ____?”. it seems innocent enough, but it is huge and overwhelming when you're returning from something that's become such a big part of who you are. it's probably one of the worst questions to ask because it tends to result in a quick answer that you know can't even come close to describing what you experienced. it cheapens it in a sense, and isolates you even more from those who weren't there with you. what's so much more helpful are the more specific questions that make you dig deeper into your thoughts and emotions and memories.
i want to be able to communicate my life as it's been for the past fourteen months in a way that does it justice, but it worries me that there are so many factors that can impede that. a lack of processing before leaving is the first of many that have and will come my way. for the last three days i've been living out of suitcases and a backpack in my friend's apartment, running here and there and everywhere to wrap up life here as best i can. i've had little quiet time to myself to sit and think and write. i should be sleeping but everything's coming at me in a rush now that i am eight hours from getting on a plane. what i have to realize is that processing something like this which has had such an effect on so many levels is not easy or quick. it will be a slow, gradual process that takes many varied forms—talking with people, little differences in daily life, customs i've adopted that i will continue subconsciously...things will come out when i don't expect them to. i am not a patient person, but i hope i can remember that as i continue on to whatever is next.
my life here is finished, maybe for good but at least for now. and as i leave, that negativity i talked about? it didn't truly stand a chance. i have felt more loved in the last few days, gotten more hugs, and felt happier and more at peace than i've been in months. it takes leaving a place to realize what you're going to miss; i'm glad that i've at least begun to see it before i'm gone. it has truly been an incredible time that i've spent in korea, but it is time to walk on. and the road ahead, as it did when i arrived last april, lies out in front of me beautifully unknown.
thank you all so, so much for your thoughts, prayers, emails, messages, photo and blog comments, and love and support while i've been over here. it has meant more than you know and i am truly grateful.
love,
heather
the negativity i've encountered in these last few weeks (in my own thoughts as well as the actions of other people) has been competing with all the good memories i've made in an attempt to leave me with a less-than-shining last impression of korea. this final month has been anything but what i expected. but then, that is exactly what korea has been all along. even when i had no expectations it has managed to shatter them. that has been both positive and negative, but in the end it has all come to mean more to me than i ever thought it could, and i wouldn't trade this chapter in my life for anything.
that said, i know i've got a ridiculous amount of processing to do over the next several months, wherever i may end up. i don't know exactly how i'll go about it or what it might look like, but i do know that it, along with a lot of unknown, will be waiting for me when i land in new york tomorrow afternoon.
i've realized over the past few days as i've been seeing people before i leave and hanging out with both koreans and foreigners, that talking to others is one of the most helpful parts of sorting through a year's worth of thoughts, emotions, and memories. it doesn't matter if they understand me because they've been through it or if they've got no clue what it's like; rather, that variety of perspectives is both welcome and necessary. however, what does make a difference is the questions asked. i've been thinking about culture shock lately as i prepare to go back, and one big part of that is usually the question “hey, how was ____?”. it seems innocent enough, but it is huge and overwhelming when you're returning from something that's become such a big part of who you are. it's probably one of the worst questions to ask because it tends to result in a quick answer that you know can't even come close to describing what you experienced. it cheapens it in a sense, and isolates you even more from those who weren't there with you. what's so much more helpful are the more specific questions that make you dig deeper into your thoughts and emotions and memories.
i want to be able to communicate my life as it's been for the past fourteen months in a way that does it justice, but it worries me that there are so many factors that can impede that. a lack of processing before leaving is the first of many that have and will come my way. for the last three days i've been living out of suitcases and a backpack in my friend's apartment, running here and there and everywhere to wrap up life here as best i can. i've had little quiet time to myself to sit and think and write. i should be sleeping but everything's coming at me in a rush now that i am eight hours from getting on a plane. what i have to realize is that processing something like this which has had such an effect on so many levels is not easy or quick. it will be a slow, gradual process that takes many varied forms—talking with people, little differences in daily life, customs i've adopted that i will continue subconsciously...things will come out when i don't expect them to. i am not a patient person, but i hope i can remember that as i continue on to whatever is next.
my life here is finished, maybe for good but at least for now. and as i leave, that negativity i talked about? it didn't truly stand a chance. i have felt more loved in the last few days, gotten more hugs, and felt happier and more at peace than i've been in months. it takes leaving a place to realize what you're going to miss; i'm glad that i've at least begun to see it before i'm gone. it has truly been an incredible time that i've spent in korea, but it is time to walk on. and the road ahead, as it did when i arrived last april, lies out in front of me beautifully unknown.
thank you all so, so much for your thoughts, prayers, emails, messages, photo and blog comments, and love and support while i've been over here. it has meant more than you know and i am truly grateful.
love,
heather
05 May 2009
an imperfect equilibrium
four weeks from now i will be back in the united states. i can't even begin to describe how strange that feels, to think about leaving life as i've known it for the past thirteen months and to return (even just for a few months) to a culture that feels as foreign to me now as this one did when i arrived last spring. it's not a position i've ever been in before. but then, that's pretty much in keeping with how everything has been here. i came into korea with no expectations, no idea of all the new situations in which i would find myself, and nothing to go on when it came to dealing with those situations. challenging? for sure. but it's been a brilliant year because of that, a year in which i found truth and value in the phrase "sink or swim", a year which has given me a new perspective that i will carry into the months of uncertainty and processing that i know lie ahead.
i don't want to leave korea. there's a lot here that i love and this is my home now, this is my life. the thought of leaving this place which has become so important to me truly makes me sad. but my life in seoul has just about run its course and it's time to go, at least for a little while. i'm tired and i'm beginning to see all the alcohol, the short skirts, the plastic faces, everywhere i look...these things that i've done a decent job of looking past all year are suddenly impossibly conspicious. i harbor no illusions about the culture here in seoul; i've known what it's like since i got here. for some reason, though, lately it's seemed to be much more in my face.
one thing korea has shown me as i think about leaving is that no place is perfect on its own accord. everywhere is only as good or as bad as you make it. i could leave here thinking about how it's just about destroyed my trust in people, caused me to become cynical about the existence of many good, solid people out there, and showed me how to bulls**t with the best of them because that's how they play the game here. or i can leave focusing on how it's played an undeniable and necessary role in my growth as a person, taught me (among other things) the importance of understanding the other in all situations, and led me to this place in which i now find myself--a place that is constructed of equal parts certainty and uncertainty, questions and answers. and it's good...so good.
it's a balance that i didn't know i wanted, or even really know i was looking for. balance in my time and energy is something i've sought with mixed results over many months here, but this is balance on a deeper level. this is not the kind of balance that people typically seek; it is an imperfect equilibrium in that its parts are unpredictable and ever-changing. but i think i've now come to realize that it's the kind that works best for me at this point in my life. for example, i say i'm going to come back to korea in the fall, but in reality i won't be sure of that until it happens. there are a million factors in between now and then that could affect that move. that's okay. no matter where i find myself in four months i know it will be where i'm supposed to be. and that certainty, coupled with the knowledge that in wherever i end up i will get out exactly what i put in, solidifies a stability within me that i've been in search of for a long time.
hope this finds you all well! i can't wait to see everyone in a few short weeks. i'm enjoying the end of my time in seoul but i'm getting more and more excited to be back in the company of people i've missed, to be back in my family's home in perkasie, to breathe some clean air... :) below are the links to my photos from april.
love and hugs,
heather
album 1:
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2012619&id=148800130&l=9d5c8c9c2f
album 2:
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2012742&id=148800130&l=58c88236c2
08 April 2009
one year later
recently i discovered a slightly horrifying fact: the man for whom i've now worked for a full year thought i would enjoy pink wallpaper in my new apartment. pink wallpaper. as in, the entirety of the room covered in pink. he looked truly surprised when i blurted out a very serious "are you kidding?" it was slightly funny at the time, but it begged the question: does he know me at all?
doubtful.
in korea (seoul in particular), as i'm sure i've mentioned before, what's on the surface is very important. it's all about the image. your personal image, your family's image, whatever...everyone is concerned with others' perceptions of them.
this is something i struggled with when i first arrived. in fact, for the first several months that i was here, i cared more about what others thought than i ever have. then i realized what i was doing and stopped. i started dreadlocks two months ago, and i'm using those, given how concerned with the surface people are here, as a way to challenge myself and challenge those around me. my dreads looked like crap for a full month before they finally started to look a little bit nicer, a little bit more like dreads. at first i was a little self-conscious about them. the kids laughed at me every day and i knew every teacher in school was wondering when i would be done with this strange new hairstyle. but after a while, i didn't care. i wasn't doing them to look good or to fit in. i was doing them because i wanted to try it. and once i remembered that, i truly began to embrace it. i liked grossing out the people sitting behind me on the subway with my unwashed hair, and i enjoyed the stares. that's because my reasons for having dreads began to grow deeper. while i don't think i'll truly change anyone, i at least want to make them think. i want the people who stop and stare at me walking down the street to think about why they're staring. i want them to realize that they don't all have to be so much the same, to realize it's not all about appearance and what everyone else thinks, and to realize that there's so much more than the surface.
a friend of mine wrote a song about living here called "my city." the whole song is really good, but the last lines in particular stood out to me:
it's knowin this place, may never quite fit me
but at least in this moment, this is my city
those words are speaking to me so strongly these days. i have been here for exactly a year now, and i am leaving in just over two months. the following is my most recent journal entry:
“this place is my world right now. it's exponentially larger and yet infinitely smaller than worlds i've known in the past. at times it broadens my horizons and perspectives, and at times it shrinks around me.
this place is pain and joy, laughter and tears, brokenness and growth, discovery and being lost. it is everything i am and everything i'm not. it has made me who i am and reminds me who i don't want to be.
this place has changed me, and i am terrified of going home, because i don't know how i'll ever begin to explain that to people who can't truly understand.”
i should clarify that i am definitely excited to go back to the states and see everyone. there's a substantial amount of fear in me, though, as well. that journal entry is my best attempt at explaining korea and what it is to me now, but i don't know if those words are enough for those who used to know me best to understand.
and therein lies the irony of this place. the ones who understand all the little things—all the nuances and minor amusements of korea and what it's like to live here as a foreigner—they're the ones with whom it's nearly impossible to make deeper connections. there's often just not enough time because their places here are just as temporary as yours. that's what adds to the overwhelming feeling of superficiality i've continued to struggle with in korea. in addition to the appearance side of it, relationships are more of the same. it's so very rare to develop friendships here in which people truly know each other. and at the same time, you've removed yourself from the context where you used to exist and left it, and its familiarity and depth, behind. it's like this weird limbo-land in which the only person who truly knows you is you. that is why the potential for growth and maturity is so high when you move to a brand-new place that's miles from everything you used to know. i realized that several months ago and i took it and ran with it, and that is the reason i find myself in the place i do: with friends, but alone, and with no idea what the coming months are going to feel like.
on a lighter note, spring has finally come to seoul! the temperature is perfect, the sun is shining, and it's given me more energy to be out doing things. i'm also in a new apartment that is roughly a two minute walk from school, and i've got all next week off of work...nice-uh :) there are now eight weekends left before i get on a plane to the u.s., and ellie and i are trying to make sure we do everything we want to before heading out. some of those things include:
-getting silver suits and wearing them around seoul
-doing the dmz tour (i remember saying last year that we didn't want to save it till our last month here, but that that's what would probably happen...and it did)
-going hiking in jeollanamdo (south-easternmost province in south korea)
-going to everland (big amusement park outside of seoul)
-exploring islands off the western coast near incheon
-spending more sunday afternoons in olympic park
-going to our korean co-teacher's house in incheon and making korean food with her
miss you all a lot and hope this finds everyone well! i will be posting more photos from march and april to facebook soon.
love and hugs,
heather
doubtful.
in korea (seoul in particular), as i'm sure i've mentioned before, what's on the surface is very important. it's all about the image. your personal image, your family's image, whatever...everyone is concerned with others' perceptions of them.
this is something i struggled with when i first arrived. in fact, for the first several months that i was here, i cared more about what others thought than i ever have. then i realized what i was doing and stopped. i started dreadlocks two months ago, and i'm using those, given how concerned with the surface people are here, as a way to challenge myself and challenge those around me. my dreads looked like crap for a full month before they finally started to look a little bit nicer, a little bit more like dreads. at first i was a little self-conscious about them. the kids laughed at me every day and i knew every teacher in school was wondering when i would be done with this strange new hairstyle. but after a while, i didn't care. i wasn't doing them to look good or to fit in. i was doing them because i wanted to try it. and once i remembered that, i truly began to embrace it. i liked grossing out the people sitting behind me on the subway with my unwashed hair, and i enjoyed the stares. that's because my reasons for having dreads began to grow deeper. while i don't think i'll truly change anyone, i at least want to make them think. i want the people who stop and stare at me walking down the street to think about why they're staring. i want them to realize that they don't all have to be so much the same, to realize it's not all about appearance and what everyone else thinks, and to realize that there's so much more than the surface.
a friend of mine wrote a song about living here called "my city." the whole song is really good, but the last lines in particular stood out to me:
it's knowin this place, may never quite fit me
but at least in this moment, this is my city
those words are speaking to me so strongly these days. i have been here for exactly a year now, and i am leaving in just over two months. the following is my most recent journal entry:
“this place is my world right now. it's exponentially larger and yet infinitely smaller than worlds i've known in the past. at times it broadens my horizons and perspectives, and at times it shrinks around me.
this place is pain and joy, laughter and tears, brokenness and growth, discovery and being lost. it is everything i am and everything i'm not. it has made me who i am and reminds me who i don't want to be.
this place has changed me, and i am terrified of going home, because i don't know how i'll ever begin to explain that to people who can't truly understand.”
i should clarify that i am definitely excited to go back to the states and see everyone. there's a substantial amount of fear in me, though, as well. that journal entry is my best attempt at explaining korea and what it is to me now, but i don't know if those words are enough for those who used to know me best to understand.
and therein lies the irony of this place. the ones who understand all the little things—all the nuances and minor amusements of korea and what it's like to live here as a foreigner—they're the ones with whom it's nearly impossible to make deeper connections. there's often just not enough time because their places here are just as temporary as yours. that's what adds to the overwhelming feeling of superficiality i've continued to struggle with in korea. in addition to the appearance side of it, relationships are more of the same. it's so very rare to develop friendships here in which people truly know each other. and at the same time, you've removed yourself from the context where you used to exist and left it, and its familiarity and depth, behind. it's like this weird limbo-land in which the only person who truly knows you is you. that is why the potential for growth and maturity is so high when you move to a brand-new place that's miles from everything you used to know. i realized that several months ago and i took it and ran with it, and that is the reason i find myself in the place i do: with friends, but alone, and with no idea what the coming months are going to feel like.
on a lighter note, spring has finally come to seoul! the temperature is perfect, the sun is shining, and it's given me more energy to be out doing things. i'm also in a new apartment that is roughly a two minute walk from school, and i've got all next week off of work...nice-uh :) there are now eight weekends left before i get on a plane to the u.s., and ellie and i are trying to make sure we do everything we want to before heading out. some of those things include:
-getting silver suits and wearing them around seoul
-doing the dmz tour (i remember saying last year that we didn't want to save it till our last month here, but that that's what would probably happen...and it did)
-going hiking in jeollanamdo (south-easternmost province in south korea)
-going to everland (big amusement park outside of seoul)
-exploring islands off the western coast near incheon
-spending more sunday afternoons in olympic park
-going to our korean co-teacher's house in incheon and making korean food with her
miss you all a lot and hope this finds everyone well! i will be posting more photos from march and april to facebook soon.
love and hugs,
heather
16 March 2009
dance through the fire
people get held back by the voice inside them
-from “in the beginning” by knaan
these last few months are like a final exam in life for what i think i've learned in korea. last week it took everything in me to avoid yelling at someone and getting on the next plane out of here. between the hellish months of january and february, schedule changes at the beginning of this month, a new head teacher coming in and making unnecessary changes, and the fact that i've been teaching and living here for almost a year...i'm exhausted, i'm jaded, and i hate it.
which brings me to the feeling of taking this massive, real-life test for which i haven't had time to study. i just have to hope that i've absorbed all i need to know throughout the year. subject: how to do better than just survive in korea.
that feeling of being exhausted and jaded has been hard to deal with, and has been made especially hard by a look back at some of my posted writings and photos from when i first arrived. one thing i re-read was the first blog i wrote after arriving here. i titled it “first impressions” and i talked about everything from teaching to seoul to kimchi...ah, i was so excited to learn everything then! it was all new and there was so much to explore and experience. it wasn't all great for the first few months—far from it—but that was more than balanced out by the feeling of being alive that living in a brand-new place brings.
a week ago i had found that kind of feeling again, that feeling of being alive and of wanting to get the most out of my time here that i could. i wrote this in my journal:
“down to less than three months left now. what a weird feeling. it's been such a journey, too...where i was a year ago seems so distant that to be honest, i'm having trouble remembering it. i'm such a different person now than i was twelve months ago...the growth i've gone through is astounding in how much it's defined me. and it has not been a perfect year. far from it. but it's been a good year. a year that god, i needed. the great thing, too, is that i feel like i'm coming full circle, although it's like full circle with a twist. i'm arriving again at this point where i'm excited to see everything, do everything, experience everything...but this time around i've got the context in place already. i know from past experiences what it can should will feel like. i also feel a sense of urgency that wasn't there before, a feeling like there's not enough time to do it all.”
then i had a particularly bad week at school and i wanted to leave. i was feeling, to put it nicely, screwed over. by the school, the economy and the horrible exchange rate, and my own weaknesses. much of korea felt old and seen and explored and i was having trouble finding the vitality in life here. i could left, too. i could have said, “you know what, [director] sam, i'm just going to leave in april when my contract's up. i haven't signed that extension yet and i'm tired of dealing with all the crap here. so thank you, goodbye, and good luck keeping foreign teachers around.”
i didn't, though (and by the way, i would never speak to my director that way, even though i desperately wanted to last week). there were a few factors holding me back, one of the larger ones being that i had just bought a plane ticket home for may 31st and didn't feel like dealing with the hassle or the cost involved in switching it. but a smaller factor at the time (which probably should have been the biggest) is that i just don't feel like i'm done here yet. i don't know if i will be done when i leave in two and a half months or if that won't be the end of korea for me. but i do know that i've got to give this time the best shot i can. i have to enjoy it fully or i will regret it. and yeah, right now so much feels old and seen and explored that i'm having trouble finding the vitality in life. but there's still a lot to see and do here, a lot that i haven't experienced. and i won't spend my last two and a half months here wishing i could get on that flight home sooner.
all these thoughts and feelings of late have ultimately served to remind me of one hugely important thing: we always have a choice.
you know that quote from charles swindoll? the one that goes “i am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me, and 90% how i react to it”? well, that rings true no matter where on this earth you may find yourself. it's been the core of what i've learned and how i've grown here. and remembering that is how i'm going to not only survive these last ten weeks but make them a beautiful conclusion to this chapter of my life.
i have been through some of the toughest situations and some of the most intense emotions i've ever experienced here in korea. there have been times when i was so unsure, hurt, confused, or lonely that i had no idea how to take the next step. it's like this photo i took in thailand that's currently my desktop background—the photo was taken on the beach on new year's eve, and it's of this guy trying to double-dutch jump rope in flaming ropes, but it kind of looks like he's dancing around. i want to apply that to my thoughts on the next several weeks in that the best way to approach the fire is to dance right on through it. something may appear tough. sometimes you feel surrounded by flames. and you'll tell yourself it's going to be a struggle. if you let that be your sole mentality, then of course it's going to be be hard. if, though, you can learn to not only get through it but to enjoy the process...oh, it's so worth it.
at the end of this post are links to recent photos, but here are some things i'm looking forward to in the near future:
-getting OUTSIDE again when the weather warms up soon! this includes more hiking, more exploring the city, and more riding bike along the han river
-a bike tour of gyeongju during peak cherry blossom season on the first weekend in april
-possibly hitting up the seoul world dj festival again in may
-getting a week off of work mid-april to do nothing but relax and reenergize for my final month and a half in korea
-another city-wide scavenger hunt sometime in may
-finally doing the dmz tour
-giving my mom a HUGE hug when i see her on may 31st :)
thanks to everyone who's been emailing and facebooking me and commenting on photos and blogs...it makes me happy and makes me feel like this writing has got a bigger purpose than just being an online record of my thoughts. i apologize if i've been lax about replying to anyone; the last several weeks have kept me fairly stressed and left me with very little energy once i finally get home in the evenings. but please know i love and miss you all and i can't wait to see everyone in a few short months!
much love,
heather
link to photos from february:
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2012250&id=148800130&l=3e062a13d7
link to photos so far from march:
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2012276&id=148800130&l=bdd448fc51
-from “in the beginning” by knaan
these last few months are like a final exam in life for what i think i've learned in korea. last week it took everything in me to avoid yelling at someone and getting on the next plane out of here. between the hellish months of january and february, schedule changes at the beginning of this month, a new head teacher coming in and making unnecessary changes, and the fact that i've been teaching and living here for almost a year...i'm exhausted, i'm jaded, and i hate it.
which brings me to the feeling of taking this massive, real-life test for which i haven't had time to study. i just have to hope that i've absorbed all i need to know throughout the year. subject: how to do better than just survive in korea.
that feeling of being exhausted and jaded has been hard to deal with, and has been made especially hard by a look back at some of my posted writings and photos from when i first arrived. one thing i re-read was the first blog i wrote after arriving here. i titled it “first impressions” and i talked about everything from teaching to seoul to kimchi...ah, i was so excited to learn everything then! it was all new and there was so much to explore and experience. it wasn't all great for the first few months—far from it—but that was more than balanced out by the feeling of being alive that living in a brand-new place brings.
a week ago i had found that kind of feeling again, that feeling of being alive and of wanting to get the most out of my time here that i could. i wrote this in my journal:
“down to less than three months left now. what a weird feeling. it's been such a journey, too...where i was a year ago seems so distant that to be honest, i'm having trouble remembering it. i'm such a different person now than i was twelve months ago...the growth i've gone through is astounding in how much it's defined me. and it has not been a perfect year. far from it. but it's been a good year. a year that god, i needed. the great thing, too, is that i feel like i'm coming full circle, although it's like full circle with a twist. i'm arriving again at this point where i'm excited to see everything, do everything, experience everything...but this time around i've got the context in place already. i know from past experiences what it can should will feel like. i also feel a sense of urgency that wasn't there before, a feeling like there's not enough time to do it all.”
then i had a particularly bad week at school and i wanted to leave. i was feeling, to put it nicely, screwed over. by the school, the economy and the horrible exchange rate, and my own weaknesses. much of korea felt old and seen and explored and i was having trouble finding the vitality in life here. i could left, too. i could have said, “you know what, [director] sam, i'm just going to leave in april when my contract's up. i haven't signed that extension yet and i'm tired of dealing with all the crap here. so thank you, goodbye, and good luck keeping foreign teachers around.”
i didn't, though (and by the way, i would never speak to my director that way, even though i desperately wanted to last week). there were a few factors holding me back, one of the larger ones being that i had just bought a plane ticket home for may 31st and didn't feel like dealing with the hassle or the cost involved in switching it. but a smaller factor at the time (which probably should have been the biggest) is that i just don't feel like i'm done here yet. i don't know if i will be done when i leave in two and a half months or if that won't be the end of korea for me. but i do know that i've got to give this time the best shot i can. i have to enjoy it fully or i will regret it. and yeah, right now so much feels old and seen and explored that i'm having trouble finding the vitality in life. but there's still a lot to see and do here, a lot that i haven't experienced. and i won't spend my last two and a half months here wishing i could get on that flight home sooner.
all these thoughts and feelings of late have ultimately served to remind me of one hugely important thing: we always have a choice.
you know that quote from charles swindoll? the one that goes “i am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me, and 90% how i react to it”? well, that rings true no matter where on this earth you may find yourself. it's been the core of what i've learned and how i've grown here. and remembering that is how i'm going to not only survive these last ten weeks but make them a beautiful conclusion to this chapter of my life.
i have been through some of the toughest situations and some of the most intense emotions i've ever experienced here in korea. there have been times when i was so unsure, hurt, confused, or lonely that i had no idea how to take the next step. it's like this photo i took in thailand that's currently my desktop background—the photo was taken on the beach on new year's eve, and it's of this guy trying to double-dutch jump rope in flaming ropes, but it kind of looks like he's dancing around. i want to apply that to my thoughts on the next several weeks in that the best way to approach the fire is to dance right on through it. something may appear tough. sometimes you feel surrounded by flames. and you'll tell yourself it's going to be a struggle. if you let that be your sole mentality, then of course it's going to be be hard. if, though, you can learn to not only get through it but to enjoy the process...oh, it's so worth it.
at the end of this post are links to recent photos, but here are some things i'm looking forward to in the near future:
-getting OUTSIDE again when the weather warms up soon! this includes more hiking, more exploring the city, and more riding bike along the han river
-a bike tour of gyeongju during peak cherry blossom season on the first weekend in april
-possibly hitting up the seoul world dj festival again in may
-getting a week off of work mid-april to do nothing but relax and reenergize for my final month and a half in korea
-another city-wide scavenger hunt sometime in may
-finally doing the dmz tour
-giving my mom a HUGE hug when i see her on may 31st :)
thanks to everyone who's been emailing and facebooking me and commenting on photos and blogs...it makes me happy and makes me feel like this writing has got a bigger purpose than just being an online record of my thoughts. i apologize if i've been lax about replying to anyone; the last several weeks have kept me fairly stressed and left me with very little energy once i finally get home in the evenings. but please know i love and miss you all and i can't wait to see everyone in a few short months!
much love,
heather
link to photos from february:
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2012250&id=148800130&l=3e062a13d7
link to photos so far from march:
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2012276&id=148800130&l=bdd448fc51
27 January 2009
and we thought winter would be boring...part two: recent thoughts
so it's been a crazy, busy, ridiculous month, as i mentioned. everything that's gone on in the past few weeks, as well as the start of a new year, has meant a lot of thinking and reflecting.
yesterday i enjoyed a lunar new year crepe brunch with a few of my closest friends here. it was really nice to have that, especially since we weren't around for christmas/new year's celebrations with people. the conversation revolved around life, marriage, and culture—three topics that have been on my mind a lot lately.
i'm now almost done my tenth month in korea, and let me just say, WHAT? the time has flown by faster than i ever could have anticipated, and it feels good to look back and see the process. ellie and i just extended our contracts from the end of march to the end of june, and i am excited to spend a few extra months (and another spring) here. so many people who come here do their year and leave without a backward glance. but as i told a friend the other day, i know that this is where i'm supposed to be right now regardless of how strange it may seem. so i'm staying until that feeling changes. most people i know who are my age (consider that most people i know are part of mennonite communities) are finding a good job, finding a good person, and getting married. they're settling down and starting families. i remember thinking when i was around fourteen or fifteen that i'd be doing that by now.
yet i'm far from ready for it, in the typical way at least.
it took coming to korea to truly realize how fulfilling it is to do things on my own and do things that i want to do, to find meaning in them based on whatever they are to me at the time. i did what was typical, what was expected, my whole life until i got to college. at some point during those four years, though, that shifted into me wanting something different. wanting to take steps, on my own, beyond what i was "supposed" to do. and when i look back on the time from now to that shift, the growth and changes i see are incredible.
the point is that while what i'm doing with my life right now is far from typical compared to what i grew up thinking i'd do, i am happy and i am growing. i can think ahead more than a few months (something i haven't done in years) and make plans with the knowledge that there's no fixed commitment involved. there are definitely days when i think it'd be nice to have someone (besides ellie, although it's awesome to have a best friend like her) to share it with, but even then, that person would have to want the same things i want—which right now do not include marriage, kids, or settling into a comfortable life back in the states. there's still too much world to experience and too much to learn.
speaking of experiencing the world, what a interesting time it was in vietnam. one thing that's important to understand is that in korea, politeness and respect are unspoken mandatories. they are part of society that are ingrained into everyone as they grow up, they are built into the language structure, and they are what we have come to know as a way of life. confrontation is almost non-existent; koreans hate confrontation and don't handle it well. so to encounter what we did within mere hours of leaving seoul was a rough introduction to my first asian country outside of korea.
from what i've heard, the people in saigon and in the rest of the country are not like those we encountered in hanoi. but it was really interesting to experience what we did because so far, countries close to each other that i've visited haven't had that much of a gap in societal behavior. in both latin america and europe, i've spent time in various countries and each time found the people to be similar in comparison to those in neighboring countries.
that said, i really enjoyed hanoi in one regard—it was so much more third-world than seoul. trat and koh chang in thailand were more of the same, and when i arrived in thailand i had the feeling that i had come to this place i never knew i wanted to go. it is similar to how i've found south korea to be the place i never knew i needed to go. asia has never been at the top of my list, and south korea in particular wasn't even on the list. but coming here has been this amazing experience that i had no idea how badly i needed to have. in the same manner, thailand is a country i knew little about and might not have ever visited had i not moved to seoul to teach. but when i got there, i realized how badly i wanted to experience all of it. the really cool thing about thailand for me was that it was third-world, like the cultures i love so much in latin america, yet i couldn't speak or read the language. while i was there i felt so fully like i was in a completely new place, like there was nothing known and everything left to learn. that is the true passion of traveling for me and the reason traveling makes me feel so alive.
seeing these differences between countries that i've always [ignorantly] assumed were very similar has made me really excited to go other places in asia. part of our talk over crepes was about the identities of various countries around the world. i just read "eat pray love" by elizabeth gilbert, which is about a woman who goes to italy, india, and indonesia and focuses on one specific thing in each place. there are countries around the world which, when you think about them, bring certain images or thoughts to mind. countries that have a natural pull and invite learning and understanding through personal experience. south korea is not one of those countries--it is still changing, still developing its identity. because of that and some of the cultural aspects it has developed, it is not a place that welcomes foreigners to actively learn about it. all the ways i've become actively involved in understanding the culture have been the result of great individuals, not because south korea itself has been an eager teacher. all that said, i am excited to see what else is in store for me this year.
i hope you are all well and that the new year has brought and will continue to bring new learning and new opportunities for all of you. keep in touch!
love,
heather
yesterday i enjoyed a lunar new year crepe brunch with a few of my closest friends here. it was really nice to have that, especially since we weren't around for christmas/new year's celebrations with people. the conversation revolved around life, marriage, and culture—three topics that have been on my mind a lot lately.
i'm now almost done my tenth month in korea, and let me just say, WHAT? the time has flown by faster than i ever could have anticipated, and it feels good to look back and see the process. ellie and i just extended our contracts from the end of march to the end of june, and i am excited to spend a few extra months (and another spring) here. so many people who come here do their year and leave without a backward glance. but as i told a friend the other day, i know that this is where i'm supposed to be right now regardless of how strange it may seem. so i'm staying until that feeling changes. most people i know who are my age (consider that most people i know are part of mennonite communities) are finding a good job, finding a good person, and getting married. they're settling down and starting families. i remember thinking when i was around fourteen or fifteen that i'd be doing that by now.
yet i'm far from ready for it, in the typical way at least.
it took coming to korea to truly realize how fulfilling it is to do things on my own and do things that i want to do, to find meaning in them based on whatever they are to me at the time. i did what was typical, what was expected, my whole life until i got to college. at some point during those four years, though, that shifted into me wanting something different. wanting to take steps, on my own, beyond what i was "supposed" to do. and when i look back on the time from now to that shift, the growth and changes i see are incredible.
the point is that while what i'm doing with my life right now is far from typical compared to what i grew up thinking i'd do, i am happy and i am growing. i can think ahead more than a few months (something i haven't done in years) and make plans with the knowledge that there's no fixed commitment involved. there are definitely days when i think it'd be nice to have someone (besides ellie, although it's awesome to have a best friend like her) to share it with, but even then, that person would have to want the same things i want—which right now do not include marriage, kids, or settling into a comfortable life back in the states. there's still too much world to experience and too much to learn.
speaking of experiencing the world, what a interesting time it was in vietnam. one thing that's important to understand is that in korea, politeness and respect are unspoken mandatories. they are part of society that are ingrained into everyone as they grow up, they are built into the language structure, and they are what we have come to know as a way of life. confrontation is almost non-existent; koreans hate confrontation and don't handle it well. so to encounter what we did within mere hours of leaving seoul was a rough introduction to my first asian country outside of korea.
from what i've heard, the people in saigon and in the rest of the country are not like those we encountered in hanoi. but it was really interesting to experience what we did because so far, countries close to each other that i've visited haven't had that much of a gap in societal behavior. in both latin america and europe, i've spent time in various countries and each time found the people to be similar in comparison to those in neighboring countries.
that said, i really enjoyed hanoi in one regard—it was so much more third-world than seoul. trat and koh chang in thailand were more of the same, and when i arrived in thailand i had the feeling that i had come to this place i never knew i wanted to go. it is similar to how i've found south korea to be the place i never knew i needed to go. asia has never been at the top of my list, and south korea in particular wasn't even on the list. but coming here has been this amazing experience that i had no idea how badly i needed to have. in the same manner, thailand is a country i knew little about and might not have ever visited had i not moved to seoul to teach. but when i got there, i realized how badly i wanted to experience all of it. the really cool thing about thailand for me was that it was third-world, like the cultures i love so much in latin america, yet i couldn't speak or read the language. while i was there i felt so fully like i was in a completely new place, like there was nothing known and everything left to learn. that is the true passion of traveling for me and the reason traveling makes me feel so alive.
seeing these differences between countries that i've always [ignorantly] assumed were very similar has made me really excited to go other places in asia. part of our talk over crepes was about the identities of various countries around the world. i just read "eat pray love" by elizabeth gilbert, which is about a woman who goes to italy, india, and indonesia and focuses on one specific thing in each place. there are countries around the world which, when you think about them, bring certain images or thoughts to mind. countries that have a natural pull and invite learning and understanding through personal experience. south korea is not one of those countries--it is still changing, still developing its identity. because of that and some of the cultural aspects it has developed, it is not a place that welcomes foreigners to actively learn about it. all the ways i've become actively involved in understanding the culture have been the result of great individuals, not because south korea itself has been an eager teacher. all that said, i am excited to see what else is in store for me this year.
i hope you are all well and that the new year has brought and will continue to bring new learning and new opportunities for all of you. keep in touch!
love,
heather
and we thought winter would be boring...part one: recent happenings
hello! happy 2009 a few weeks late :) this will be a long, two-part post as it's been quite an interesting month since my last blog entry...the past four weeks have held some (much-needed) vacation, a new school building and new classes as well as two foreign teachers leaving our school, and a lot of thinking and discussion about culture and life. this first part will be everything that's happened since christmas...
first, the saga of our winter vacation in vietnam and thailand.
i've said this before, but generally when ellie and i travel together things don't always go smoothly, and there are many moments of trouble/annoyance/frustration that we look back on and laugh at (or not) later. i've said this before too--this trip was no exception.
ellie and i traveled with our co-worker sebastian to hanoi and then on to bangkok, where we parted ways with him. we had a layover in hanoi that allowed us enough time to leave the airport and spend about 15 hours in the city. so we got our bags and found a taxi..."only $12," the man said. "12 u.s. dollars, right?" we all emphatically double-checked with him, thinking we had found a great deal. he confirmed, put our bags in the trunk, and we were off to hanoi. the man was very friendly, making a bit of conversation along the way and even pointing out a load of skinned, dead dogs (on their way to be cooked and eaten) strapped to a motorcycle. the taxi pulled over in the old quarter as we had requested, and it was time to pay. the man wanted 1.2 million vietnamese dong which at the time was equivalent, we figured out later that night, to somewhere around 90 u.s. dollars. in the taxi we were struggling to convert from vietnamese dong to south korean won to u.s. dollars, not really figuring it out, but aware that it did not equal $12 and was in fact way, way more than anyone should pay for that taxi ride. the man did not take kindly to our refusal to pay what he wanted, and a flurry of rapid vietnamese mixed with broken english ensued. we tried reasoning with him and reminding him that we had agreed on $12 at the airport and were yelled at. we tried writing on paper what we thought was an acceptable compromise and were yelled at. we tried giving him about half of what he had asked for and had the money thrown back in our faces.
eventually we ended up paying him roughly $40, apparently enough to avoid him driving off with our bags still in the trunk, and went to find a hostel. after wandering in circles throughout the old quarter for a half hour, we found a decently-priced hostel and dropped our stuff off to wander around hanoi for a while. ten minutes into our exploring, a friendly old woman carrying pineapples in baskets strung to a wooden pole resting on her shoulder approached us. "photo, photo!" she said, and without waiting for a reply placed her fruit carrier on my shoulder and her hat on my head. we were surprised into agreeing so ellie took a photo, promptly after which the woman proceeded to thrust two small bags of pineapple into our hands and demand that we pay her for the photo and the fruit. she, like the taxi driver, wanted more money than what we should have paid, and for the second time in under two hours a friendly face turned nasty.
after paying her some crazy amount for three slices of pineapple, we finished our walk and found dinner uneventfully, and then made our way back to the hostel for some sleep. in the morning the hostel desk clerk called us an airport taxi and we were on our way to thailand.
or so we thought. i'll spare you the long version, but it includes a changed gate, a turn-around back to vietnam due to "a technical issue" (either they forgot to fill up on fuel or one of the wheels was coming loose, we remain unsure), meals served and cleaned up halfway through twice, and an arrival in thailand four hours after planned.
once in the bangkok airport, we split paths with sebastian, who would be spending a bit of time in bangkok before returning to vietnam for the rest of break. we were ready to be out of the city for a while, so we found a bus to the ekamai terminal on the east edge of bangkok (there was no way we were taking a taxi this time). our plan was to bus to laemngop and ferry to the island of koh chang, but we had missed the last bus there because of the plane issues. so we took a six-hour bus ride to trat, a small city close to laemngop, and spent the night there. we stayed in a great, cheap hostel with helpful owners and taxied to laemngop for the first ferry out the next day. it felt so wonderful to finally be on that ferry, sun on my face and wind in my hair, watching the island get bigger as we approached.
on koh chang we found a bungalow place and rented a hut right by the water. over the next week we relaxed, rented motorbikes (not without difficulty and hilarity) and kayaks, swam in the beautiful turquoise water, enjoyed fresh fruit for breakfast every morning, swung in hammocks, saw elephants, and took in thailand at a wonderfully slow pace.
going back to seoul, the original plan (and what our plane tickets were for) was to fly from bangkok to saigon, have an eight-hour layover in the airport there, and arrive back in seoul monday morning with just enough time before starting work that day. we realized partway through the week that a day at home before jumping right in at a new building would be not only nice but almost necessary. so we left koh chang on thursday afternoon to spend the night in the same hostel we had previously stayed at in trat, and returned to the bangkok airport by friday afternoon in hopes of switching to an earlier flight. there were none available so we spent the night in the airport and the next morning tried again. no luck. by this time we were really tired and just wanted to get back to seoul, so we bought new one-way tickets on a flight leaving saturday evening and spent the rest of the day making a movie of all the funny things you can do in an airport. it was a lot of fun, but by the time we boarded that flight we had spent 32 hours in the bangkok airport. once we arrived in seoul there was a long, slow line for immigration and the bus back into the city ended up dropping us off nowhere near our house...i don't think i've ever been so happy to see my apartment as i was that morning :)
second, all the craziness at school.
when we returned from break, we began at a new building closer to the center of seoul. it's a beautiful facility that is in a nice area, although we now have to bus to work because it's too far to walk. things have been fine with teaching; the kids seem to have made the transition fairly well and so have the teachers. however, two situations within the past two weeks have made things a bit ridiculous at school. one was expected, one was not.
the first is that sebastian, the co-worker with whom we traveled to vietnam, was accused by parents of inappropriately touching their daughter. he did not, but the parents wanted a spoken apology and a signed confession stating what he had done. he refused, the parents became more angry, and within about four hours on that friday, sebastian was no longer teaching at our school.
the second is a situation that's been gradually building over the past two months. a teacher joined us in the beginning of december from japan. she is married to a japanese man and has spent the past nine years teaching in thailand, taiwan, and japan. i got a bad feeling from her almost immediately but hoped i was wrong. unfortunately, i wasn't. i won't go into detail, but basically she a) has some issues, b) refused all help anyone offered, and c) made life miserable for everyone at work. she gave two months notice just before christmas but, after a situation that was apparently the last straw last friday, was asked to clear her things out of her apartment and not come back.
it was hard seeing sebastian leave, especially because it could have happened to any of us. as far as the other teacher, no one's sad to see her go. but this means that now we're down to three foreign teachers when there should be five.
so there's all that's been going on here! i'll post the second part soon with my thoughts and reflections on everything, but in the meantime here are links to recent photos :)
december (more added since i included the link with my last post):
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2011190&l=6f921&id=148800130
vacation (two albums):
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2011557&l=25693&id=148800130
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2011559&l=509a4&id=148800130
january (will probably add a few more within the week):
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2011837&l=4409b&id=148800130
hope everyone's holidays were good time spent with family and friends...love and miss you all lots!
peace,
heather
first, the saga of our winter vacation in vietnam and thailand.
i've said this before, but generally when ellie and i travel together things don't always go smoothly, and there are many moments of trouble/annoyance/frustration that we look back on and laugh at (or not) later. i've said this before too--this trip was no exception.
ellie and i traveled with our co-worker sebastian to hanoi and then on to bangkok, where we parted ways with him. we had a layover in hanoi that allowed us enough time to leave the airport and spend about 15 hours in the city. so we got our bags and found a taxi..."only $12," the man said. "12 u.s. dollars, right?" we all emphatically double-checked with him, thinking we had found a great deal. he confirmed, put our bags in the trunk, and we were off to hanoi. the man was very friendly, making a bit of conversation along the way and even pointing out a load of skinned, dead dogs (on their way to be cooked and eaten) strapped to a motorcycle. the taxi pulled over in the old quarter as we had requested, and it was time to pay. the man wanted 1.2 million vietnamese dong which at the time was equivalent, we figured out later that night, to somewhere around 90 u.s. dollars. in the taxi we were struggling to convert from vietnamese dong to south korean won to u.s. dollars, not really figuring it out, but aware that it did not equal $12 and was in fact way, way more than anyone should pay for that taxi ride. the man did not take kindly to our refusal to pay what he wanted, and a flurry of rapid vietnamese mixed with broken english ensued. we tried reasoning with him and reminding him that we had agreed on $12 at the airport and were yelled at. we tried writing on paper what we thought was an acceptable compromise and were yelled at. we tried giving him about half of what he had asked for and had the money thrown back in our faces.
eventually we ended up paying him roughly $40, apparently enough to avoid him driving off with our bags still in the trunk, and went to find a hostel. after wandering in circles throughout the old quarter for a half hour, we found a decently-priced hostel and dropped our stuff off to wander around hanoi for a while. ten minutes into our exploring, a friendly old woman carrying pineapples in baskets strung to a wooden pole resting on her shoulder approached us. "photo, photo!" she said, and without waiting for a reply placed her fruit carrier on my shoulder and her hat on my head. we were surprised into agreeing so ellie took a photo, promptly after which the woman proceeded to thrust two small bags of pineapple into our hands and demand that we pay her for the photo and the fruit. she, like the taxi driver, wanted more money than what we should have paid, and for the second time in under two hours a friendly face turned nasty.
after paying her some crazy amount for three slices of pineapple, we finished our walk and found dinner uneventfully, and then made our way back to the hostel for some sleep. in the morning the hostel desk clerk called us an airport taxi and we were on our way to thailand.
or so we thought. i'll spare you the long version, but it includes a changed gate, a turn-around back to vietnam due to "a technical issue" (either they forgot to fill up on fuel or one of the wheels was coming loose, we remain unsure), meals served and cleaned up halfway through twice, and an arrival in thailand four hours after planned.
once in the bangkok airport, we split paths with sebastian, who would be spending a bit of time in bangkok before returning to vietnam for the rest of break. we were ready to be out of the city for a while, so we found a bus to the ekamai terminal on the east edge of bangkok (there was no way we were taking a taxi this time). our plan was to bus to laemngop and ferry to the island of koh chang, but we had missed the last bus there because of the plane issues. so we took a six-hour bus ride to trat, a small city close to laemngop, and spent the night there. we stayed in a great, cheap hostel with helpful owners and taxied to laemngop for the first ferry out the next day. it felt so wonderful to finally be on that ferry, sun on my face and wind in my hair, watching the island get bigger as we approached.
on koh chang we found a bungalow place and rented a hut right by the water. over the next week we relaxed, rented motorbikes (not without difficulty and hilarity) and kayaks, swam in the beautiful turquoise water, enjoyed fresh fruit for breakfast every morning, swung in hammocks, saw elephants, and took in thailand at a wonderfully slow pace.
going back to seoul, the original plan (and what our plane tickets were for) was to fly from bangkok to saigon, have an eight-hour layover in the airport there, and arrive back in seoul monday morning with just enough time before starting work that day. we realized partway through the week that a day at home before jumping right in at a new building would be not only nice but almost necessary. so we left koh chang on thursday afternoon to spend the night in the same hostel we had previously stayed at in trat, and returned to the bangkok airport by friday afternoon in hopes of switching to an earlier flight. there were none available so we spent the night in the airport and the next morning tried again. no luck. by this time we were really tired and just wanted to get back to seoul, so we bought new one-way tickets on a flight leaving saturday evening and spent the rest of the day making a movie of all the funny things you can do in an airport. it was a lot of fun, but by the time we boarded that flight we had spent 32 hours in the bangkok airport. once we arrived in seoul there was a long, slow line for immigration and the bus back into the city ended up dropping us off nowhere near our house...i don't think i've ever been so happy to see my apartment as i was that morning :)
second, all the craziness at school.
when we returned from break, we began at a new building closer to the center of seoul. it's a beautiful facility that is in a nice area, although we now have to bus to work because it's too far to walk. things have been fine with teaching; the kids seem to have made the transition fairly well and so have the teachers. however, two situations within the past two weeks have made things a bit ridiculous at school. one was expected, one was not.
the first is that sebastian, the co-worker with whom we traveled to vietnam, was accused by parents of inappropriately touching their daughter. he did not, but the parents wanted a spoken apology and a signed confession stating what he had done. he refused, the parents became more angry, and within about four hours on that friday, sebastian was no longer teaching at our school.
the second is a situation that's been gradually building over the past two months. a teacher joined us in the beginning of december from japan. she is married to a japanese man and has spent the past nine years teaching in thailand, taiwan, and japan. i got a bad feeling from her almost immediately but hoped i was wrong. unfortunately, i wasn't. i won't go into detail, but basically she a) has some issues, b) refused all help anyone offered, and c) made life miserable for everyone at work. she gave two months notice just before christmas but, after a situation that was apparently the last straw last friday, was asked to clear her things out of her apartment and not come back.
it was hard seeing sebastian leave, especially because it could have happened to any of us. as far as the other teacher, no one's sad to see her go. but this means that now we're down to three foreign teachers when there should be five.
so there's all that's been going on here! i'll post the second part soon with my thoughts and reflections on everything, but in the meantime here are links to recent photos :)
december (more added since i included the link with my last post):
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2011190&l=6f921&id=148800130
vacation (two albums):
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2011557&l=25693&id=148800130
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2011559&l=509a4&id=148800130
january (will probably add a few more within the week):
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2011837&l=4409b&id=148800130
hope everyone's holidays were good time spent with family and friends...love and miss you all lots!
peace,
heather
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