volviendo (returning)

i'm in panama. and it's really good.

good in the way korea was, good in a way that, until i got back to the states a few weeks ago, i had forgotten i needed. good in the way that challenges what i think and what i feel and that makes me wonder if i can ever live without encountering new places every so often.

my last five months in korea very nearly destroyed all the growth that i experienced within myself up until that turning point in january. and when i got home to find everything the same, that just about finished the job.

i changed a lot in korea. especially in my first nine months there. and it was all so good. then i returned home after five months of stress and tension and emotion to a context that i had always known but which had never particularly challenged me and forced me to grow. and i slid back toward who i had been before korea changed all of that.

it's always taken me a little longer to learn things than it probably should. even on the other side of the world, where i was forced to learn fast if i wanted to not only survive there but thrive, that was still the case to an extent.

and now i find myself back there again. the trouble, i'm coming to realize, lies in my difficulty in remaining consistent despite the changing of context.

my few days in panama thus far have not been bad; in fact, they've been quite nice. but they've also been disappointing in a sense. this is in part because i've not been feeling so well, but also in part because i've been a bit down since coming home from korea. i had high expectations for this trip being amazing, and because of how i've been feeling mentally and physically things haven't quite measured up.

there is no doubt in my mind that it was time to leave korea when i did, but i didn't know (and still don't) where i am to go from here. i've been learning a lot about determining what i want and going after it, and i hope that within the next few months i am fully able to do that. for now, though, i really want to move forward while letting this time in panama be what it can be and needs to be for me. to move fluidly with the days and the culture around me, and to return to that state of peaceful contentment with who and where i am that i've lost in recent months.

what i've seen of panama so far is a beauty that lies in that kind of contentment. this is a place that, unlike korea, knows itself in all its good and bad aspects and doesn't feel a need or desire to change that. it is a place that feels balanced, a place i can learn from, and a breath of fresh air after korea.

i'm enjoying the feel of spanish rolling off my tongue, the sound of rain falling outside, the sway of a hammock and the breeze on a hot day...this is where i'm supposed to be right now and it is good.

hasta luego...