if i could see the future

tomorrow i will return to the states for the second time in a month. this time, though, the uncertainty seems more ominous.

not knowing what lies ahead is unnerving. but i think, reflecting on my experience with korea and all the unknowns there, i'm more inclined to be open to whatever comes along. when i returned from korea at the end of may, i knew i was leaving for panama shortly and the decisions i need to make come august felt pretty far away. but now they're staring me in the face. i've tried to choose a direction ahead of time, yet each time i did so, something would come up that made me rethink it. so now i'm going to make good on my initial choice to explore the different areas through which i'll be passing and the opportunities that may be there. the only conditions i have for where i end up are that i find some good friends and that i am happy.

there are very few decisions in my life that have come about through me truly wanting something and going for it. they mainly resulted from an unhappiness with where i was coinciding with an opportunity to try something new. not a bad way to go about things, as each time has ended up being exactly where i needed to be, but it's time to change that process. to be open to what may come, yes, but also to be active in the path my life takes.

i don't know what in particular in the past has caused me to be so passive. maybe i truly haven't known what i wanted; i'm sure that's been part of it. but i think another part of me has been afraid that if i want something, go after it, and get it, i won't quite know what to do next. that's a fear i need to conquer. seems big and scary, but when i look back on all that i conquered in korea, it looks much smaller.

tomorrow we leave panama. we're coming back a few days early to better eradicate whatever bug infestation i picked up, and it will be nice to have some extra time before heading off to chicago/h'burg/dc/south carolina/north carolina for the next couple weeks. this trip has been good for me, both to get back into a culture that i love and to remind me of the importance of having a home base. wherever i settle in the fall, although it may not be perfect, will at least be my home and will be where i have decided to be. and that is a nice feeling.

hasta pronto,
heather