tomorrow i will return to the states for the second time in a month. this time, though, the uncertainty seems more ominous.
not knowing what lies ahead is unnerving. but i think, reflecting on my experience with korea and all the unknowns there, i'm more inclined to be open to whatever comes along. when i returned from korea at the end of may, i knew i was leaving for panama shortly and the decisions i need to make come august felt pretty far away. but now they're staring me in the face. i've tried to choose a direction ahead of time, yet each time i did so, something would come up that made me rethink it. so now i'm going to make good on my initial choice to explore the different areas through which i'll be passing and the opportunities that may be there. the only conditions i have for where i end up are that i find some good friends and that i am happy.
there are very few decisions in my life that have come about through me truly wanting something and going for it. they mainly resulted from an unhappiness with where i was coinciding with an opportunity to try something new. not a bad way to go about things, as each time has ended up being exactly where i needed to be, but it's time to change that process. to be open to what may come, yes, but also to be active in the path my life takes.
i don't know what in particular in the past has caused me to be so passive. maybe i truly haven't known what i wanted; i'm sure that's been part of it. but i think another part of me has been afraid that if i want something, go after it, and get it, i won't quite know what to do next. that's a fear i need to conquer. seems big and scary, but when i look back on all that i conquered in korea, it looks much smaller.
tomorrow we leave panama. we're coming back a few days early to better eradicate whatever bug infestation i picked up, and it will be nice to have some extra time before heading off to chicago/h'burg/dc/south carolina/north carolina for the next couple weeks. this trip has been good for me, both to get back into a culture that i love and to remind me of the importance of having a home base. wherever i settle in the fall, although it may not be perfect, will at least be my home and will be where i have decided to be. and that is a nice feeling.
hasta pronto,
heather
30 June 2009
26 June 2009
bugbites at the beach
i can't stop itching. it's really driving me nuts. i am so happy to be in panama and wish i felt like doing all the cool stuff there is to do. but the reality is that i am literally covered in bites or bumps of some kind that have been increasing in number daily and that two pharmacists so far have failed to help with. the third thinks i may be allergic to something that bit me, and i really, really hope he's right (and that this medicine actually works). i'm so bummed about this and i especially hate that it makes me want to leave early. who wants to leave vacation in panama to go home early?
sick people, i guess.
we've seen and done some pretty awesome things here: watched a ship go through the miraflores locks on the panama canal, ziplined through the cloud forest outside of boquete, rode a bus over the continental divide through some of the most beautiful scenery i've ever seen...i definitely don't want to leave. yet underlying all the great things is this annoyance that won't go away. every night i wake up itching and every morning i wake up with more bites. fixing whatever this is would be one thing if i was in the states, with access to a doctor who spoke my language, and in one place for more than a day or two. when you're traveling, though, it's nearly impossible.
there's this quote that goes, "every journey has a secret destination of which the traveler is unaware." i love it because it attests to part of the reason i'm drawn to traveling: the unknown, the mysterious, the understanding that no matter what, there's going to be something that comes up that you can't control. that last one so far has been limited to crazy taxi drivers and shady hostels in foreign cities. but this time it's different. it's testing me. part of what i've been learning here is how to move with the flow of things, to adjust to what comes along. another part is (re)learning myself, what i can and cannot take, what i do and do not want. as silly as it may sound, these bumps and bites all over my legs and arms and neck are probably the best test there could be. it's teaching me to control my emotions and reactions and to deal with things in the best way for myself and those around me, whatever that all may look like. and, that i'll probably never be able to live in the jungle. ah, well.
today we left the beautiful fortuna cloud forest and bussed, walked, and water-taxied our way to isla colón in bocas del toro, on the caribbean coast of panamá. tomorrow we are taking a tour of four different islands here in the archipelago that will include swimming with dolphins and snorkeling. i am super excited and will be sure to take some lovely photos to share with everyone!
hope you all are enjoying your summer and are staying cool :)
chau,
heather
sick people, i guess.
we've seen and done some pretty awesome things here: watched a ship go through the miraflores locks on the panama canal, ziplined through the cloud forest outside of boquete, rode a bus over the continental divide through some of the most beautiful scenery i've ever seen...i definitely don't want to leave. yet underlying all the great things is this annoyance that won't go away. every night i wake up itching and every morning i wake up with more bites. fixing whatever this is would be one thing if i was in the states, with access to a doctor who spoke my language, and in one place for more than a day or two. when you're traveling, though, it's nearly impossible.
there's this quote that goes, "every journey has a secret destination of which the traveler is unaware." i love it because it attests to part of the reason i'm drawn to traveling: the unknown, the mysterious, the understanding that no matter what, there's going to be something that comes up that you can't control. that last one so far has been limited to crazy taxi drivers and shady hostels in foreign cities. but this time it's different. it's testing me. part of what i've been learning here is how to move with the flow of things, to adjust to what comes along. another part is (re)learning myself, what i can and cannot take, what i do and do not want. as silly as it may sound, these bumps and bites all over my legs and arms and neck are probably the best test there could be. it's teaching me to control my emotions and reactions and to deal with things in the best way for myself and those around me, whatever that all may look like. and, that i'll probably never be able to live in the jungle. ah, well.
today we left the beautiful fortuna cloud forest and bussed, walked, and water-taxied our way to isla colón in bocas del toro, on the caribbean coast of panamá. tomorrow we are taking a tour of four different islands here in the archipelago that will include swimming with dolphins and snorkeling. i am super excited and will be sure to take some lovely photos to share with everyone!
hope you all are enjoying your summer and are staying cool :)
chau,
heather
20 June 2009
volviendo (returning)
i'm in panama. and it's really good.
good in the way korea was, good in a way that, until i got back to the states a few weeks ago, i had forgotten i needed. good in the way that challenges what i think and what i feel and that makes me wonder if i can ever live without encountering new places every so often.
my last five months in korea very nearly destroyed all the growth that i experienced within myself up until that turning point in january. and when i got home to find everything the same, that just about finished the job.
i changed a lot in korea. especially in my first nine months there. and it was all so good. then i returned home after five months of stress and tension and emotion to a context that i had always known but which had never particularly challenged me and forced me to grow. and i slid back toward who i had been before korea changed all of that.
it's always taken me a little longer to learn things than it probably should. even on the other side of the world, where i was forced to learn fast if i wanted to not only survive there but thrive, that was still the case to an extent.
and now i find myself back there again. the trouble, i'm coming to realize, lies in my difficulty in remaining consistent despite the changing of context.
my few days in panama thus far have not been bad; in fact, they've been quite nice. but they've also been disappointing in a sense. this is in part because i've not been feeling so well, but also in part because i've been a bit down since coming home from korea. i had high expectations for this trip being amazing, and because of how i've been feeling mentally and physically things haven't quite measured up.
there is no doubt in my mind that it was time to leave korea when i did, but i didn't know (and still don't) where i am to go from here. i've been learning a lot about determining what i want and going after it, and i hope that within the next few months i am fully able to do that. for now, though, i really want to move forward while letting this time in panama be what it can be and needs to be for me. to move fluidly with the days and the culture around me, and to return to that state of peaceful contentment with who and where i am that i've lost in recent months.
what i've seen of panama so far is a beauty that lies in that kind of contentment. this is a place that, unlike korea, knows itself in all its good and bad aspects and doesn't feel a need or desire to change that. it is a place that feels balanced, a place i can learn from, and a breath of fresh air after korea.
i'm enjoying the feel of spanish rolling off my tongue, the sound of rain falling outside, the sway of a hammock and the breeze on a hot day...this is where i'm supposed to be right now and it is good.
hasta luego...
good in the way korea was, good in a way that, until i got back to the states a few weeks ago, i had forgotten i needed. good in the way that challenges what i think and what i feel and that makes me wonder if i can ever live without encountering new places every so often.
my last five months in korea very nearly destroyed all the growth that i experienced within myself up until that turning point in january. and when i got home to find everything the same, that just about finished the job.
i changed a lot in korea. especially in my first nine months there. and it was all so good. then i returned home after five months of stress and tension and emotion to a context that i had always known but which had never particularly challenged me and forced me to grow. and i slid back toward who i had been before korea changed all of that.
it's always taken me a little longer to learn things than it probably should. even on the other side of the world, where i was forced to learn fast if i wanted to not only survive there but thrive, that was still the case to an extent.
and now i find myself back there again. the trouble, i'm coming to realize, lies in my difficulty in remaining consistent despite the changing of context.
my few days in panama thus far have not been bad; in fact, they've been quite nice. but they've also been disappointing in a sense. this is in part because i've not been feeling so well, but also in part because i've been a bit down since coming home from korea. i had high expectations for this trip being amazing, and because of how i've been feeling mentally and physically things haven't quite measured up.
there is no doubt in my mind that it was time to leave korea when i did, but i didn't know (and still don't) where i am to go from here. i've been learning a lot about determining what i want and going after it, and i hope that within the next few months i am fully able to do that. for now, though, i really want to move forward while letting this time in panama be what it can be and needs to be for me. to move fluidly with the days and the culture around me, and to return to that state of peaceful contentment with who and where i am that i've lost in recent months.
what i've seen of panama so far is a beauty that lies in that kind of contentment. this is a place that, unlike korea, knows itself in all its good and bad aspects and doesn't feel a need or desire to change that. it is a place that feels balanced, a place i can learn from, and a breath of fresh air after korea.
i'm enjoying the feel of spanish rolling off my tongue, the sound of rain falling outside, the sway of a hammock and the breeze on a hot day...this is where i'm supposed to be right now and it is good.
hasta luego...
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